[Yesterdays]

Just wondering if any of you have a hard time making eye contact in therapy when you're talking about personal things. A lot of times I'll get really emotional and feel kind of humiliated and not want to make eye contact. Usually I'll stare at some object in the room, but it seems to make it even more awkward (I have a hard time talking about my emotions, especially since she's a new therapist and I don't know her very well). Anyone else in the same shoes or know how to break the habit?

[jexa]

I used to think that my difficulty making eye contact in session was a "problem." Then I had a T who consistenly told me it was okay not to look her in the eye when I was talking about hard things. She told me people have different degrees to which they are comfortable with eye contact, and she said that she wants me to be comfortable talking about hard things, and if it means I can't look her in the eye, it's fine.

This was my old T who had to move away in October so I am seeing a new T now. I still can't make eye contact most of the time but new T doesn't seem to have a problem with it. It is helping me to just accept it rather than beat myself up about it. I actually gradually made more eye contact with my old T as I got more comfortable talking about hard things. It never helped to just force it on myself to look someone in the eye -- only fed the discomfort and made it harder to bring up sensitive topics.

[seventyeight]

yes, yesterdays, i'm the same way - and i think that a lot of other people in therapy are too. for me, it's just too vulnerable. while i really enjoy making eye-contact with my therapist, the thought of saying something personal and having to actually "see" how she reacts is just too much. i'm usually too afraid that she's going to have some horrible reaction or make some face of disgust, and i'll see it.

not sure what to tell you to break the habit, but i did tell my therapist that i'd like to work on making more eye-contact so every now and then (especially if she's trying to make a point) she'll ask me to look at her. i think having instructions like that are really helpful. maybe you can ask your therapist for help with it too.

[sittingatwatersedge]

what Seventy Eight sounds so familiar. Also it made me think how many hours the average T must spend, in school and/or at home, learning and developing compassionate, supportive expressions and encouraging smiles, only to find their clients forever dodging their eyes and staring at the pattern in the rug.

well, that's OK. The sound of someone's voice is helpful too, at least for me.

[Ygrec23]

Originally Posted by Yesterdays

Just wondering if any of you have a hard time making eye contact in therapy when you're talking about personal things. A lot of times I'll get really emotional and feel kind of humiliated and not want to make eye contact. Usually I'll stare at some object in the room, but it seems to make it even more awkward (I have a hard time talking about my emotions, especially since she's a new therapist and I don't know her very well). Anyone else in the same shoes or know how to break the habit?

Why break the habit? It's a completely acceptable manner in which to protect yourself while marshalling your thoughts and reflecting on your emotions. A significant percentage of people who have no need to go to therapy do it while giving lectures or otherwise seriously think (and seriously talk) about serious subjects from which they'd be distracted by other people's eyes. Eye contact (to me) is valuable when you're first making contact with other people, whether in your profession or when you're making friends, or even when you're trying to reassure some old friend or relative who's talking with you about one of their problems. In a situation like therapy, where any half-decent T knows exactly what you, the patient, are dealing with, I don't think there ought to be any pressure to make eye contact. In the therapy situation eye contact for many people is terribly distracting and keeps them from the kind of deep self-communion on which progress in therapy is based. Of course, when T and I are talking about the time and day of the next appointment or any such kind of trivia we're looking into each other's eyes. But I don't do that when I'm talking seriously with her and I don't feel the slightest pressure to change my ways. Take care!

okay, i just don't look at t, i came close last week and looked at his shoes, i just cannot do it, i feel way to unmasked.. like he can see all the bads and it isn't fair to make him listen and look at me...

t has only mentioned once, a long time ago. i have a "safe spot" on his rug that i stare at..

if my self-esteem isn't in the gutter than sometimes i will look up through my hair. but that is about it....

others have talked of actually "gazing" into t's eyes, actually feels really cool when others talk about it...

[WikidPissah]

I stare at the rug, the corner of the ceiling, the doorknob...etc. Never look at T, nevermind eye contact. Although last week for a brief moment I looked at his face. I honestly don't think I would recognize him if I ran into him out in public, not unless he was wearing his same shoes!

[suzzie]

i have never made eye contact at all with my t. im not completely sure what she even looks like. i usually look at the rug and the light under the door. she is ok with it tho. said it will be a big day when i do look. havent told her that i dont make eye contact with anyone.

[dinosaurs]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

Also it made me think how many hours the average T must spend, in school and/or at home, learning and developing compassionate, supportive expressions and encouraging smiles, only to find their clients forever dodging their eyes and staring at the pattern in the rug.

lol this made me laugh i've never thought of it quite like this before. thank you for adding a little lightness to something i find really hard