[Tiberius]

Those of you who have followed the messages I have posted on this forum are probably aware that I have a problem trusting therapists and dealing with emotional attachment to them. You are also probably aware that I have been hinting at the idea that therapy is not for everyone and that therapy is obviously not for me.

I have my own theories on the subject, but I'd like to hear opinions concerning my distrust of therapists as well as my reluctance to lose sight of the fact that to my therapist I am just a job. I still feel as though I am right, but I am surprised by the number of people on this forum who obviously don't perceive their relationship with their therapist the way I perceive my relationship with mine.

Please enlighten me and tell me how you, having considered the ideas I have discussed on this forum, can still deal with therapy and supposedly benefit from it.

[Melbadaze]

therapy is what it is>

[pegasus]

Hello, sure therapy isn't for everyone, we are all different.

Could you go into a little more detail about your experiences of therapy so far? How long have you been in therapy? What do you feel about your own therapist?

[emilyjeanne]

Originally Posted by Tiberius

Please enlighten me and tell me how you, having considered the ideas I have discussed on this forum, can still deal with therapy and supposedly benefit from it.

Tiberius,

I think you are looking for something that other people can't necessarily give. Therapy is not easy like going to the dentist. Therapy takes time. Trust needs to be earned. Trust may not ever happen. Trust can take years to build. In my case it has been over 3.5 years before I started trusting my T.

The key to therapy is developing the theurapeutic relationship (look up this term). Once that relationship has developed healing can take place.

I can tell you right now. If you have problems with trust. It will take years in therapy to work thru those issues. There is no quick fix.

Another thing that is important is to make sure that you are working with the right therapist. You should shop for a T like you shop for shoes. Try them on for size. When you find the right one you will know.

[alcira]

Tiberius, I can relate to a lot of what you are experience. I have similar difficulties with trusting my therapist and the nature of the therapeutic relationship. I do think that on some level it is fake, that my therapist is just playing a role and saying the things that she thinks would provoke the desired response and ultimately help me. I do have the sense of being a bit of a lab rat at times. All that being said, I do think she cares about helping me and I also believe that she enjoys her job. So yes, I am a job for her but she cares about doing a good job and being a good therapist and that is all that really matters in the end.

I am not really sure how you can get past the "fakeness" of the therapeutic relationship. I can't seem to get past it even though intellectually I understand why it is necessary and how it can be beneficial. And the thought the therapy may not be for everyone (and maybe not for me) has crossed my mind. I think emilyjeanne is right, trust is essential for therapy to work and if you have trust issues (the way I do and you seem to as well), it can take a long time to get to the point where you can enjoy the benefits. It can be very difficult to persevere through all the doubts and fears and pain.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Tiberius

I have a problem trusting therapists and dealing with emotional attachment to them.

Not all therapy involves having an emotional attachment to the therapist. Perhaps this type of therapy would be more up your alley.

Originally Posted by Tiberius

I have been hinting at the idea that therapy is not for everyone and that therapy is obviously not for me.

I agree that therapy is not for everyone. If you know that therapy is obviously not for you, then why are you in therapy?

Originally Posted by Tiberius

I'd like to hear opinions concerning my distrust of therapists as well as my reluctance to lose sight of the fact that to my therapist I am just a job.

I'd have to know you better--your past, childhood relationship with parents, etc.--to be able to answer that. If you have shared this information with your therapist, he/she could probably tell you why you have difficulty trusting. Have you asked? I think it is perfectly fine to not lose sight that providing therapy to clients is your therapist's job. I understand that is my therapist's job and it has not interfered with my progress in therapy.

Originally Posted by Tiberius

I still feel as though I am right

Right about what? You have had a multiplicity of thoughtful opinions posted in your threads, so you can see there are many, not just "right" or "wrong" on one particular question. A big variable is the client, and what works for one client may not work for another. One client may embrace and flourish under a certain approach from the therapist, whereas another may find that approach a disaster. A skilled therapist can vary his approach to accommodate the client. I am thinking the question you refer to is "is providing therapy a job for our therapists?" Yes, indeed, therapists provide therapy.

Originally Posted by Tiberius

I am surprised by the number of people on this forum who obviously don't perceive their relationship with their therapist the way I perceive my relationship with mine.

Why the surprise? We're all different, so our relationships with our therapists will be different too. For example, you say you have difficulty trusting your therapist. Your relationship with your T will definitely be affected by that compared to clients who allow themselves to trust their T.

Originally Posted by Tiberius

Please enlighten me and tell me how you, having considered the ideas I have discussed on this forum, can still deal with therapy and supposedly benefit from it.

I won't pretend to be enlightening but I will offer some thoughts: I thought you already knew that therapy was "obviously" not for you. So I'm confused on what you are asking. I really don't doubt you if you believe therapy will not help you. You sound intelligent and like you've given this a lot of consideration. Are you perhaps not convinced of that after all? As I mentioned above, perhaps a type of therapy that doesn't involve emotional attachment to the therapist would be helpful. Good luck.

hi tiberius (very beautiful area btw). i don't think there are any one-size-fits-all answers regarding therapy as each person's experience with therapy is so different. one of the benefits of positive transference is that the great affection you feel for the T can help you to process some very difficult material in therapy. without that bond some people might not be able to stand the discomfort of facing painful experiences.

as sunny mentioned, another thing you might want to consider is a different type of therapy. from what i hear CBT is not nearly so focused on the therapeutic relationship. check out goodtherapy's types of therapy for descriptions of many different types like solution-focused therapy too.

also, i have only experienced transference with a T of the opposite sex so for me if i want to avoid transference then i just stick to same-sex Ts. you may or may not find that to be the case for yourself.

another thing you can do is to ask your T how to deal with these transference feelings. talking about the transference doesn't have to be about how you feel for the T but could focus on what does it mean and how do i handle it. chances are it means a lot more than get a girlfriend/boyfriend/etc. even the way you are currently responding to this transference is all grist for the mill: wanting to dump your T, anger, holding T responsible for your feelings, etc. those are all good things to discuss further with T: who do you tend to want to dump/run away from, get angry with, hold responsible for your feelings, etc. i think the trick is not to get stuck in the transference but to put it to work. try to figure out what/who this is really about and work on those issues and patterns.

[WePow]

It feels like you are trying very hard but running into a wall.
With therapy, there does have to be a connection and fit.
Some people do not fit with other people. Some types of therapy are not good for some people. My T told me he had to go through twenty therapists before he found the one who was right for him and could help him out.

The secret is to not throw the baby out with the bathwater. If your therapy is doing more harm than good, you have to make a change. It does not mean that the entire practice of doing therapy will not work for you because there is something out there that will give you the healing you deserve. I think bloom's reference is perfect!

The other part is that therapy involves exposing wounded parts of our soul to another human. Frankly, that is one of the most dangereous things someone who needs therapy can do - or it sure feels that way!!! So give yourself some points for being willing to expose yourself to another person.

Don't be hard on yourself for the responses you have to therapy. There are reasons you push or pull or hide or fight the process of therapy itself. The mind will do ANYTHING it feels it needs to do in order to be safe. Anything.

Just don't give up on your own ability to get the mental health that every person deserves.

[ECHOES]

From several of your posts, my impression is that it bothers you not knowing things ahead of time, and that is included in the therapy relationship that develops with time.

I agree that good therapy does not necessarily mean intense emotional attachment; it can be a trusting relationship that feels nice to be a part of. Attachment can be subtle and the relationship can be very important without a lot of intenseness about it.

Here is a good book if you are interested: Attachment in Psychotherapy by David J Wallin.

[mixedup_emotions]

I imagine that you are feeling a lot of pain and anguish when it comes to therapy. Certainly, therapy is not for everyone...and not every therapy is for every person. If you find that you have attachment issues, this can be very useful in therapy. There's a reason for it, and as painful as it seems, it can help you get to a greater understanding about yourself.

One thing that I've learned in therapy is that there is no right or wrong. Feelings just are. And everyone is entitled to their feelings.

[Fartraveler]

Sorry, just deleted my post, because it was kind of dumb. :-)

-Far

[Brightheart]

Originally Posted by Tiberius

Those of you who have followed the messages I have posted on this forum are probably aware that I have a problem trusting therapists and dealing with emotional attachment to them. You are also probably aware that I have been hinting at the idea that therapy is not for everyone and that therapy is obviously not for me.

You could certainly be correct in your assessment about yourself. You know yourself better than anyone. But there might also be something that is playing out in your therapy relationships that also happens in your other relationships.

Originally Posted by Tiberius

I have my own theories on the subject, but I'd like to hear opinions concerning my distrust of therapists as well as my reluctance to lose sight of the fact that to my therapist I am just a job.

Has there ever been another time in your life when you felt unappreciated or not valued within a relationship?

Originally Posted by Tiberius

I still feel as though I am right, but I am surprised by the number of people on this forum who obviously don't perceive their relationship with their therapist the way I perceive my relationship with mine.

As others have also said, all relationships are unique and therapy relationships are no different. Is there a different way you would like to perceive your therapy relationship that would be more satisfying to you?

Originally Posted by Tiberius

Please enlighten me and tell me how you, having considered the ideas I have discussed on this forum, can still deal with therapy and supposedly benefit from it.

I get the sense (and I could certainly be wrong) that you are angry about something, Tiberius. Maybe take a look at where those feelings are coming from and what they mean to you. Any choice you make about therapy is yours. Take care.

[elliemay]

I'm actually glad that it is my therapist's job to help me. I mean that's why I hired him.

I certainly wouldn't pay someone to just listen and not try to help. It's his job to figure me out, help me figure myself out and help with my healing from some pretty pretty nasty stuff.

I trust him, but I had to be willing to go there. I had to be willing to give him the information he needed in order for him to help me.

Nope, psychotherapy isn't for everyone. In fact, it kinda sucks to be honest. But on the whole, I think it helps more than it sucks.

It is, on occasion, transformative - or at least it is for me.

[sittingatwatersedge]

EllieMay thanks for your comment.

Hmmm, here at The Therapy Client Accessory Store we are considering having some kind of bumper sticker made along these lines...

psychotherapy: it helps more than it sucks.

[reader1587]

Originally Posted by Tiberius

Those of you who have followed the messages I have posted on this forum are probably aware that I have a problem trusting therapists and dealing with emotional attachment to them. You are also probably aware that I have been hinting at the idea that therapy is not for everyone and that therapy is obviously not for me.

I have my own theories on the subject, but I'd like to hear opinions concerning my distrust of therapists as well as my reluctance to lose sight of the fact that to my therapist I am just a job. I still feel as though I am right, but I am surprised by the number of people on this forum who obviously don't perceive their relationship with their therapist the way I perceive my relationship with mine.

Please enlighten me and tell me how you, having considered the ideas I have discussed on this forum, can still deal with therapy and supposedly benefit from it.

Hi Tiberius I just wanted to say I relate to your post (although more in the past than now).

I think there are a number of questions you need to ask, starting with: do you trust people *outside* of therapy? If so, that's one thing. But if not (which I suspect), then you need to recognize that you have a general problem with trust in general (this is not to pathologize you, just to recognize things as they are).

I too would prefer help I didn't have to pay for but one thing you could tell yourself is that because it is a job for this person (although many think of it as calling more), they are more likely to stay educated in the field, observe professional behavior, and so on (arguably, and in general).

Also therapy is *incredibly* personal, in the sense that there has to be some kind of chemistry or simpatico between the two people. Therapists don't really talk about this too much, in my opinion, because 1) they want to believe that they have the interpersonal skills to make a meaningful connection with just about anyone and 2) broaching the subject would make it easier for people to therapist-shop, which can be countertherapeutic for the client, and bad business for therapists (since their interest is in having clients, preferably for a certain amount of time).

I haven't read any of your other posts so I don't know if you discuss how many therapists you have tried. Regardless I would keep trying new people, you never know when you will click with someone's "style". Also I have had group therapy recommended to me several times, for this very reason I suspect (at least in part). A really talented therapist should be able to make you feel like you are more than a job to him/her, ideally.

Also I find that the more people you have in your life whom you trust the less you will be dependent on the T for trustworthiness, hopefully you will be able to simultaneously recognize that it is their profession for example, but not let that fact get in the way of your being able to ask for the help that you want/need.

P.S. Why don't you tell us your theories on it? It would probably make it easier to help you, all other things being equal.