[chaotic13]

A few times during my therapy I wondered if seeking a sex therapist might have help deal with some unresolved issues between H and I. Then tonight while channel surfing I came across some show on the new Oprah network- Laura Berman. Part of me found the some of show interesting. But it really triggered me and I kept jumping to other channels then floating back. The questions asked, the "homework", I just couldn't tolerate it. Idk...I came a long way in therapy, obviously I still have some problems...but I don't think I could ever deal with talking and HEARING someone else talk. Any one else like this? Idk obviously I have some issues that would fall under the scope of practice of a sex therapist, but based on how nauseous and triggered I'm feeling just having watched a TV show, I'm thinking NOT beneficial at this time.

I watched that show. I found it to be very interesting. I think that it will be very helpful to many couples struggling in this area.

[mixedup_emotions]

I'm sure I would find it difficult to watch as well. I too have issues in that area, ones that I'm not ready to address. When I am ready, I would hope that I could feel comfortable enough with my T, having built a relationship with him. I can't imagine that though at this time....

[chaotic13]

I think what is bothering me most this morning is sort of what Melissa said in her thread.."I thought I was done." I've been in a really good place, things aren't perfect but I felt like I had met most of my issues head on. I knew I still had issues...we all have issues, will always have issues...life is issues. Just yesterday, idk my H made a little comment to a friend that my mind just stored. Then while TV surfing I pause at thqt show, get really nauseous and now m wondering...was my feeling really good about where I am just an illusion. I'm realizing that I've been doing really well not because I've addressed an issue but because I've managed to avoid what triggers it. Guess I have to decide is that ok me and consistent with the types of relationships I want or am able to have.

[Sannah]

I'm sure that you have worked through many issues and this is why you have been feelings good. Sounds like an issue to be explored if you are up for it but you don't have to have a sex therapist possibly. Just talking about your feelings and why you are having them would be really helpful.

[sunrise]

Chaotic, maybe you could talk about the sex issues with your own therapist first, with whom you have a bond and are used to talking to. That might be easier than starting in on this area with a new clinician--a sex therapist you have never even met before. I would be scared too. Would you want to talk about this with your therapist? When you were thinking about a sex therapist, did you think of going to one together with your H, or alone?

This is a book my T likes: Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Marriages by David Schnarch. My T recommended this early on in my therapy as a helpful book on marriage (I initially went to him for marriage problems). There is a lot on sex in the book, and I had never mentioned sex to my T. Skimming through that book was triggering for me, as it made me realize how far gone my marriage was and how little my T understood if he thought this book was at all relevant to me. As I recall, what was triggering for me was that the couples in this book were committed to their marriages, wanted to improve them, and wanted their partner to be happy--they cared about their partner's feelings and well-being. If these things weren't true, there was no way they could do the "homework", which was often physically intimate exercises (with feeling attached). It was an impossibility. I think it might be a good book for committed couples who both want their marriages to deepen, evolve, etc. I think it would be really helpful to have a therapist help if one is going to use this book. Don't know if that is at all of interest to you....

[chaotic13]

Thank you everyone. Sannah I think it is an issue that might be worth exploring but I just can't seem to move on it. Sunrise I'll check out the book recommend. I totally get what you were saying about the underlying willingness or at least the basic desire to change on both people's part. My H and I have both changed significantly, were both trying, but both have...confounding factors at play that at the moment make addressing our relationship issues seem impossible...I know nothing is impossible.
I guess as I reflect this evening I juwt don't know if "I" want to put myself through the stress of tackling yet another set of problems. I'm kind of ok with how things are with h at the moment. Just yesterday his comments suggested he isn't. Last year, I was still angry at him for all the stuff he had done and all the crap that came up from inside me as a result of seeking therapy. I didn't have enough energy left over to even care about what he wanted or needed from me. Now that anger has dissipated somewhat. I'm not as caught up in my own crap and have the capacity to care. I guess I just like have a relationship where I don't feel pressures to do things that lead me to feeling nauseous and filthy. I know its abnormal to feel that way when in a committed relationship..but that's my issue. I care about my H but I just can't handle going back to that.

Also, I discontinued therapy a few months ago. I ended my therapy in a very positive way, my relationship with my T has changed and I cannot go back. There was no ethics violation, nothing negative, and I am ok with how things are. So, if I wqnt to tackle this issue I'm either doing it without assistance or starting fresh with a new T.
Finally sunrise you asked if h and I would go as a couple or if I would go solo. In my previous therapy after H initially refused to participate and family therapy turned into dealing with childhood excavation I refused to let him be involved. But I think he would have to be involved this time.

[Sannah]

Chaotic, it sounds like you are comfortable with where things are now and that you are afraid to move forward on this topic?

[chaotic13]

Hmmm.. Yes. If I think only of myself...I can live with how things are at this point. Its not bliss; but I'm not stress out, feeling triggered, getting angry, etc.
But it not just about me.

And I guess there is a small part of me that wants...complete and total healing and thinks the ablity to have a "normal" sex life is part of that.

[skeksi]

I'm realizing that I've been doing really well not because I've addressed an issue but because I've managed to avoid what triggers it.

I think as with any fear, if avoiding it works and doesn't cause problems, that's one solution. If the trigger can't be avoided, or if avoidance causes problems, then another solution is indicated.

It sounds to me chaotic like you are in a cautious place right now. Things are okay-ish, but you are sort of watching and listening to see what husband's position is, and looking inside yourself to decide if you want to try to change things. Sometimes where we are is considering change, evaluating whether it's necessary or if we want it. That's an okay place to be.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

If I think only of myself...I can live with how things are at this point. Its not bliss; but I'm not stress out, feeling triggered, getting angry, etc.

But it not just about me.

And I guess there is a small part of me that wants...complete and total healing and thinks the ablity to have a "normal" sex life is part of that.

Yes, you have outlined these 2 places where you can be well. How is the journey from one to the other looking like for you?