My T tells me that I need to learn to ask for what I need. What I really need from her is a hug, or holding my hand at times. Not a lot of physical contact, but at least some gesture when I am having a difficult moment in therapy.

I am to see her next week and I know she will ask me to express what I need. I am terrified to tell her this! I don't want to feel rejected or make a fool out of myself. That would make things worse.

This is so hard for me. I am not sure how to handle it. Every time I think about it, I start to cry.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Don't be afraid. It might be scary but if you don't ask you will likely never get that hug. I finally asked my T for a hug and she gave me one willingly. Now whenever I need a hug from her all I need to do is ask. You can do it!

[Irine]

wow. wait - what is the problem - are you male?
I have heard that some therapist do hug their clients. Others don`t. If it is too hard for you then you chose not to say anything about it. You can also think of something that would simulate a hug ...

You can ask for a general gesture of sympathy and warmth when it is hard for you. They can be very encouraging....

[SpiritRunner]

I understand this feeling so well! My T has also told me I need to learn to ask for what I need too - that I DO have the right to ask (as well as understand the other person has the right to say yes or no...) Anyway, I never really dreamed of asking for a hug because I didn't want her to say no; nor did I think at first that I should even ask!
But an attachment developed, things got more intense in session, and then I did want one. Then how could she say yes or no if I never asked! I give off the air of one who doesn't want to be touched though, so she was respecting that, until I finally managed to express that the need was there.....So now we have an agreement - she doesn't touch during sessions, but she will give hugs at the end of a session. She makes me ask, though....although this last time, after a difficult session, she said, I'm waiting for you to ask!
Anyway, I know how hard it is to ask, so I'm wishing you the courage to simply ask! It feels so much better to get the words out, even if is a struggle, than it does to leave them in.

[WePow]

My thought on this is to be honest with your T about what is on your heart. Be ready to run into a boundary of "No" that many T's have in place. Even my T with his hug for me at the end of session is so disconnected the way he stands far away and hugs me just a little with only his hands a tad on my shoulders and his head a little bit towards me - that it is what I describe to him as "the most bizzare hug in the entire universe" ... that is his boundary and I respect it even when it does feel strange that way.

The thing is that your T is right - there is healing to being able to articulate your needs. That and going through the workout with T on the emotions behind feeling the need for the hug will heal you if you allow honesty to just come forward. And I know - it takes great courage to be that honest. But you can do it.

I did send her an email to reply to something she sent to me. She posed this statement to me and then I answered:

Therapist: The point of therapy is to face painful issues in order to feel better.

My reply: You know what I think about that? It is weird to open up to someone, and there is no consoling done. I get that there is not supposed to be any physical contact between a therapist and client. It is just awkward to sit there crying and having someone just look at you and wait for you to finish. Maybe you can explain that to me and fill me in on how that is suppose to work.

I probably will not get a response until Monday. I think that this has opened her to the prospect that I may be needing that attention. What do you think? Did I hint that I am wanting a hug or some type of comfort?

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by sarthur1229

I did send her an email to reply to something she sent to me. She posed this statement to me and then I answered:

Therapist: The point of therapy is to face painful issues in order to feel better.

My reply: You know what I think about that? It is weird to open up to someone, and there is no consoling done. I get that there is not supposed to be any physical contact between a therapist and client. It is just awkward to sit there crying and having someone just look at you and wait for you to finish. Maybe you can explain that to me and fill me in on how that is suppose to work.

I probably will not get a response until Monday. I think that this has opened her to the prospect that I may be needing that attention. What do you think? Did I hint that I am wanting a hug or some type of comfort?

I think you had courage to pose that question, particularly about crying. Sometime I would like to ask my T that too - what does she do if someone cries, watch them?! Part of me has this thought - I'm not going to sit there and be watched! Once though, she did tell me, when I said I felt like crying, that I could and the worst thing that could happen is that she would cry with me (she does get teary from to time)......so, maybe we sit on our respective couches, crying together, sort of!
Yes, I think you've opened the door on your desire for a hug/comfort. I approached my need/want in a sort of oblique way at first, like baby steps toward it, and my T read between the lines....

It took me about 10 months to get to the point that I could cry in front of her. This just happened a few weeks ago. I never thought I would ever do that! Now that I have opened that part of me up, I don't feel quite as awkward if I do cry.

I did ask her one time (before I ever cried), "What would you do if I started to cry?" her response was "Hand you a tissue."

After I cried, I asked her "How do you feel when one of your clients breaksdown and becomes an emotional mess in front of you?"

Her response was "Sometimes I feel happy, sometimes I feel sad. It depends on the situation."

I am interested to see if she will respond to that part of my email. The part about consoling a client when she cries.

I am not a real huggy person. She has probably picked up on that. Maybe that is why she keeps her distance?

[flipchart]

Hi sarthur,

i also had a phase when i phantasized about my therapist hugging me. I never asked him because the need to be hugged was usually gone when i sat opposite him. At the moment there is no such phase any longer.

I tried to find out what thoughts entered and dominated my mind when imagining myself asking him to hug me:

- he might be repelled by me
- i might blush
- i might be afraid i could turn into a stalker
- he might look at me with lover's eyes and say nothing at all (i couldn't bear this overwhelming feeling of weekness and vulnerability)
- he might end the therapy quickly
- he hugs me and i don't like it
- he hugs me and i behave clownish and immature and childish
- i might feel like a child hugging an adult

....

and many more.

these thoughts and phantasies are really interesting to look at. Do you also have phantasies about the "what might happen if?"

[rainbow8]

None of my Ts ever hugged me except for my most recent one and that was the last day when I ended therapy with her. She didn't think it was good for me. I've also never cried in therapy, with any T, and that's about 15 years total. I'm glad you could cry and I hope I can before I'm through with therapy forever.

My current T told me she hugs but I never wanted one, felt it was something I couldn't handle. But I could handle holding her hand. Maybe because my eyes were closed. But somehow she and I hugged once. She asked, not me, and since then I've asked her twice. It's been really nice to ask for what I want, and get it.

Some Ts have a policy against hugs, though. I hope yours allows them!!!

Yes, mine didn't until I told her it was okay with me. I never used to hug anyone in real life.

Squiggle,

I have physical contact with my T. He holds my hand for comfort, or connection, or grounding (depending on what's going on) and we always hug at the end of session. I feel so comfortable and safe with the contact we have, and I'm grateful to be able to feel that way.

When I started therapy, I was TERRIFIED of him touching me. I had been abused (sexually) by a minister growing up, and it felt too much like that relationship. He never even got out of his chair to walk over to his desk without warning me, describing the route he would take, etc. He took such good care of me.

I finally asked him how he felt about physical contact with clients, because I wanted to MAKE SURE I would never be touched. He said that in some cases, physical contact can be a really important part of the healing. He described his training to me, and they ways that physical contact was used at the agency where he trained. I was like "DO NOT EVER TOUCH ME" and I knew he wouldn't.

It's a LONG story, but the short version is that I was having a horrible panic attack (my first ever) during a session, and I thought I was going to die. The world was spinning and I couldn't find my way back. T asked if I wanted to reach across the room and just touch fingertips. I did, because I was so desperate. And the world stopped spinning. It was like T's finger made everything STOP. I was able to work on breathing and get grounded. I felt connected to T and his safety and power.

It's years later now, and I'm very comfortable holding his hand or hugging. It's the safest and most comforting feeling in the world, actually.

Squiggle, if you don't want to come out and ask for a hug, could you ask her what her policy is on touch with clients? That's what I asked my T (although for the opposite reason) and it felt like a safe way to bring it up.

Let us know what happens, ok??

Thanks for all your encouragement and support with this. I have been a nervous wreck all day thinking about it. I don't think I can openly address this with her yet. I think that my email to her opened the door, and hopefully she will respond with something that let's me know what her boundaries are on physical contact.

[ECHOES]

Being vulnerable and in pain without being comforted is hard for me too.

[seventyeight]

hi squiggle,

not sure if you read this thread or not, but it's another one on the subject of hugging (with even another thread on the same issue embeded into it). thought it might be helpful to read..

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showt...ging+therapist

seventyeight

[geez]

((squiggle)) I've come to terms with the fact that my T doesn't hug and I'm ok with that. I feel hugged in many other 'non physical' ways. That's just my T's policy. I hope you find the answer your looking for. I too have a hard time asking for what I need.

[rainbow8]

Just thought I'd add that today I told my T how I've changed in therapy with her, that I never asked any other T for a hug except once, but that I did it spontaneously twice so far with her. She agreed that was something to be happy about! Most Ts LIKE when you ask for what you need/want from them.

[onlymedid]

My T hugs at the end of each session, no matter how the session went. It helps me to feel a connection to her. I think she started it in the beginning when she asked if I could use a hug at the end of a session and it just never ended.

[Travelinglady]

Some T's are just more comfortable with hugging, depending on their ethical mandates. (I think social workers might have a stronger policy of discouraging it.) Or maybe even on their personality or even the issues that the patient is dealing with. I told my T at the end of the session right before Christmas that I was "giving her a virtual hug." She said she gave me one back! It wasn't quite as satisfying as the real thing, but I did find it meaningful!

I have been thinking a lot about what my T's response will be to the question I asked her about what her boundaries are in reference to 'touch'. If I get up enough courage, I will tell her that when I get that emotional, just having her move closer to me would help.

She doesn't have to hold my hand, hug me, or touch me in any way. Just having someone sit with you can be comforting. My next appointment is on Thursday. I sure hope she brings this topic up and I don't have to keep agonizing over it!

[sugahorse1]

I think I'd like a hug from my T - it would make me feel connected and cared for. But I cannot bring myself to ask my T, because I'm too scared she'll say no.

I've had some pretty intense sessions recently and come close to crying. After one session she was really worried about me and wanted to write me a sick note for my bosses at work. At other times I've felt like a complete wreck, which she was maybe not able to pick up on.
I've come close to crying, but not yet. Not sure what will happen between T and me when that time comes.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

I have been thinking a lot about what my T's response will be to the question I asked her about what her boundaries are in reference to 'touch'. If I get up enough courage, I will tell her that when I get that emotional, just having her move closer to me would help.

She doesn't have to hold my hand, hug me, or touch me in any way. Just having someone sit with you can be comforting. My next appointment is on Thursday. I sure hope she brings this topic up and I don't have to keep agonizing over it!

My T made it clear she doesn't touch during session (though she does hug me at the end of one), but she does come sit closer to me, and that is a comforting thing, too. I hope you can discuss your needs with your T - you CAN do it, you can say the words!

[rainbow8]

Squiggle, even if your T doesn't bring it up, YOU can. You don't have to keep agonizing over it. I can't even tell you how meaningful it is to share something like that with your T, and how reassuring her answer, whatever it is, will be for you. Every time I've risked to tell my T something, the rewards are worth more than the embarrassment. Far more!!! Therapy is the one place you can take those risks and see that you are still alive afterwards!!

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Squiggle, even if your T doesn't bring it up, YOU can. You don't have to keep agonizing over it. I can't even tell you how meaningful it is to share something like that with your T, and how reassuring her answer, whatever it is, will be for you. Every time I've risked to tell my T something, the rewards are worth more than the embarrassment. Far more!!! Therapy is the one place you can take those risks and see that you are still alive afterwards!!

So true! Even today, I told my T something that positively made my face flame....but I didn't burn up!So much better to take the risk to say what needs to be said....less of a risk to do that than leave it unsaid and keep agonizing inside over it.

I sent an email to my T to kinda address this issue. This is the response I got. At first I was aggravated, but I had my husband read it, and he thinks her response was spot on. What do you guys think?

"People are built to have feelings and to express them. In a perfect world our feelings would be understood and validated by the people in our lives."

"When you develop in an environment that does not validate or encourage you, then your tendency is to shut down. When you start allowing your feelings to surface it is scary and hard because you are not use to them."

"Talking through them and feeling them is vital to healing and growing. You will feel pain, but also relief. You just have to acknowledge that it is ok for you to attend therapy and stop fighting it."

"You deserve to heal just like anyone else. And no, you don't have to be 'messed up' to be in therapy."

"My boundary regarding touching is that I generally don't touch. It is just what I'm comfortable with."

(((((((((((((squiggle)))))))))))))))))

It's true that I've learned in therapy that I can feel some really big, overwhelming feelings, and survive. That's been a huge lesson for me. Before, I had to find a way to numb out - dissociate, use bad coping skills, whatever -because, I think on some level, I was afraid feelings that big would kill me.

Now that I've felt something that big, it's given me a freedom in my day-to-day life. I know it's safe for me to feel, and that no matter how awful my feelings are, they WILL change eventually. the only way I could learn that was in therapy, where I was safe, and contained. So I really do agree with what your T said about that.

As for the touching....different T's have different boundaries around it. you were brave to ask. I wonder if you and T can find different ways for you to feel soothed...through T's words, or through her moving closer, like poetgirl said, or some other thing that feels "right" to you??