[mixedup_emotions]

I am having a really hard day and could use some hugs from people who really care and understand....

I saw my neurologist today and he wouldn't touch me with a 10 foot pole. He is very, very concerned - no more PT, no massages. He wants no one touching my neck at all and is recommending surgery. This would mean being out of work for 6-8 weeks. The company I work for is not doing well and layoffs tend to occur in March. I don't want to rock the boat, nor do I want to neglect my health. So, I'm a bit stressed out about that.

Then, I saw T today...and was super, super avoidant. I was not cooperative at all. I was all over the map. After I left, I felt pretty awful about it. I emailed him asking him if he was frustrated or disappointed with me. I told him that I realized that I was super avoidant and that I was sorry. He responded saying that he was not frustrated or disappointed with me and that he appreciates resistance.

Then, I had an incident with my ex tonight where he was helping me out with bringing things into my house. I won't describe what happened because it may be triggery to others....but it ended with 4 cops showing up to my house, him getting arrested and charged with lewdness and me having to go to the police station to file for a restraining order. My daughter knows nothing about this. She is at a friend's house....and because my ex is not stable or predictable, I am soo soo sooo afraid of what he might do as a result of all this. I just keep remembering my T saying to me about a year ago that in the 15 years that he's been a therapist, he has never felt so strongly in imagining my ex appearing at my house one day with a gun to kill me. My T (who was also our marriage counselor - and my ex saw a T that works with my T)....has used the words "predator", "insane", "potentially psychotic", etc. when referring to my ex.

I am having a really, really bad time right now....so can you spare some hugs? I could really use them.

[cutebagaddict08]

I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time.

(It sounds like you are very concerned for your daughter, is there anyway you can get a restraining order against your ex?)

[ECHOES]

As many as you need, they are yours

As far as the needed surgery, FMLA will protect your job, mue.
Therapy is going to be okay. You were upset with you, T still is there for you all the way.
I love that he said he appreciates resistance

I hope this can be a permanent break from your ex. Im sorry you had to have that go on

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by cutebagaddict08

I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time.

(It sounds like you are very concerned for your daughter, is there anyway you can get a restraining order against your ex?)

Thank you....

I talked to the judge and got a temporary restraining order for me. He planned to suspend visitation with my daughter as well, but I convinced him not to. But there are very strict parameters about arrangements, pick ups, drop offs, etc. and absolutely no communication between me and my ex. HOWEVER, this causes all sorts of concern for me.....for the safety of my daughter. I really have to talk to T. I called him tonight and left a voicemail asking for a session later today or early Saturday - cuz my daughter is supposed to go with her dad on Saturday afternoon.

I feel like I can't keep her safe now. I used to be able to feel out my ex to make sure he was in a decent frame of mind...or make sure to not allow visitation when he was acting all crazy....But without contact with him, I won't be able to do that. So, I am starting to feel like I made a big big big mistake by allowing visitation before going to court on Tuesday. UGH.

I wonder if requesting that the judge do a psych eval on him or have supervised visitation. I don't know. I just don't want my daughter to be afraid of him or feel uncomfortable...ACK...but I want her to be protected, and she needs to know how to protect herself if I'm not there to protect him.

OMG, this is turning into even more of a nightmare.....My T and I both agreed that we feel that my daughter is not in danger with him (in a sexual way) because of her age. It hasn't been his MO and there have been no signs of him causing her any harm. But when she hits her teen years - and perhaps brings some of her girlfriends around him - T and I are both very, very concerned....

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

As many as you need, they are yours

As far as the needed surgery, FMLA will protect your job, mue.
Therapy is going to be okay. You were upset with you, T still is there for you all the way.
I love that he said he appreciates resistance

I hope this can be a permanent break from your ex. Im sorry you had to have that go on

Thank you....

I do understand that FMLA can protect my job....what I'm fearful of is someone else learning how to do my job while I'm gone...and then the company realizing they can do without me....and then a couple months after I return, they lay me off due to "downsizing" or something....I am a single mom and need the income. *sigh* The fact that my boss hates me doesn't help matters.

All of a sudden, I am feeling sad about the permanent break from my ex. Mostly because I can't monitor his behavior and state of mind for my daughter's well being....but also because I know how humiliated he must feel about what occurred tonight and how sad he might feel or upset or whatever....I was his caretaker for many years....and now he's left to his own devices and making many terrible mistakes.....I feel bad for him.

[WePow]

(((((((((MUE)))))))))))))) I am so sorry about all of this right now for you.
I do understand the very insane ex-H deal. But I didn't have children to worry about - I miscarried. Ugggg. I don't know what I would have done had the child been born!
My heart fully goes out to you!!!

The only thing that kept me safe after I left my ex-H was that I had pictures of him working on cars and he was up for full disability for insurance. I hate to say it, but I ended up just telling him that if anything happened to me, those pictures would "end up where he didn't want them to end up" :-( I felt guilty for years about that, but my T says it saved my life. Point of that story sharing is that maybe you can get evidence of some sort against him based on what he is doing? IDK. More safe hugs for you!

[granite1]

(mue).i ended up with supervised visits with my son and his farther it was a pain for him but i felt my son was a lot safer and he was still able to see and spend time with his farther.

[ECHOES]

All of a sudden, I am feeling sad about the permanent break from my ex. Mostly because I can't monitor his behavior and state of mind for my daughter's well being....but also because I know how humiliated he must feel about what occurred tonight and how sad he might feel or upset or whatever....I was his caretaker for many years....and now he's left to his own devices and making many terrible mistakes.....I feel bad for him.

Do you think he deserves to feel humiliated for his behavior? If he does feel humiliation, then that's good and it's how he is acknowleding the inappropriateness of the behavior. Making mistakes is how we learn the things we must learn.
A child falls many times as he is learning to walk.

This is something he needs to go through so he can possibly come out the other side of it, and be the person he wants to be, if he wants that.

Supervised visits for him and your daughter sound like a good idea for them both because:
Your precious daughter is safer.
The inappropriateness of his behavior is emphasized, underscored, and shown to have consequences. Another learning opportunity for him.

[Fartraveler]

Hugs to you, MUE. I hope things get resolved.

-Far

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((( mue )))))))))))))))))))))))))

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Do you think he deserves to feel humiliated for his behavior? If he does feel humiliation, then that's good and it's how he is acknowleding the inappropriateness of the behavior. Making mistakes is how we learn the things we must learn.
A child falls many times as he is learning to walk.

This is something he needs to go through so he can possibly come out the other side of it, and be the person he wants to be, if he wants that.

I agree with this so much. When we love someone, or even HAVE loved someone, it's so hard to sit back and allow them to experience the consequences of the things they've done...but truly, it's how we learn. You are not responsible for his feelings...he is responsible for his actions, and whatever feelings result from those. You are only responsible for keeping you and your daughter safe, and you are taking steps to do that.

What an AWFUL day you had. Just. WOW. I know that the thought of losing your job is scary, but you have to take care of yourself.

Can you take this one moment at a time? Not looking too far ahead, just at the next step on the path. You can't control what will happen in a few months, but you can control what happens right now, and right now, you need to take care of your health and your safety.

Thinking of you and sending

[SpiritRunner]

that does really sound like a rough day! hoping you have a more peaceful day today.....one moment at a time.

[elliemay]

that's a lot to absorb. I hope things are better today.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks everyone....

I'm feeling out of sorts today....in shock, basically. And very, very drained. I am not going to allow visitation for now. I put in a call to my attorney and am hoping he will call me back today. I am going to talk to him about getting a psych eval done on my ex and to request supervised visitation. I hate having to do this. My ex has been good to our daughter and has not shown me any reason to be afraid for her....but I am, because of his instability. The fact that he is unpredictable and predatory in nature, sexually, I have to protect her somehow. I hate this.

[Sannah]

MUE, I am so sorry that you have all of this going on.........

Sounds like you are doing what you need to do with the ex.

[rainbow8]

MUE, I hope things settle down for you. I'm sorry it's so hard right now.

[Perna]

Oh, how very unpleasant and difficult, especially having today added with it with no one calling you back that you want/need!



Very gentle hug; I had a girlfriend with a neck like yours and it's not fun feeling that fragile!

((((((((MUE))))))))) sorry things are so rough right now, just know you are not alone, i too, have been in a similar situation... i hope you can see t soon. safe hugs and follow your instincts about your daughter

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks everyone....It means so much to me. I am posting an update on my other thread. Thanks for being there. (( HUGS ))

[granite1]

thinking about you today and sending hugs againjust incase you need some today also

[disguise123]

((((((hugs for you)))))) this must be terrifying for you. Make sure you are getting lots of support and help if you need it making these very difficult decisions.
I will think of you and your daughter . You are very brave (((mue))))