[dustintochampagne]

a little bit ago, i really started to delve into unchartered territory with my T. it was really hard stuff, and i tended to get rather emotional during our sessions. at one point, my T said something about (and you'll have to excuse me, my memory tends to not be the best when i am very emotional/dissociating.) saying what i need from her, in ways she could help or make me feel better, and one of the things she said was "if you need me to come over and hold you, i'll hold you."

then we took a break from the work for a bit.

now we're delving back into it again, the first time was yesterday, and i know there is more i need to work through. and after revealing some new things and feeling ashamed about them, i became very upset, seemed i couldn't stop crying. and i wanted my therapist to at least come sit with me on that couch so much. i even would have taken her up on that holding offer. i just felt it would have been therapeutic at the time, considering the issues and everything.

i know some therapists don't want to blur boundaries and whatnot, but i doubt she would have said something like that previously if she wasn't comfortable with it. i've known her a long time. but it is in my nature to doubt. doubt that she really did mean it, doubt that she really would be comfortable doing such a thing if i were to be in the same state of mind again, doubt that i could ever be brave enough to ask, doubt that she won't get offended and quit me, even after all these years.

i just feel really mixed up right now, in general i guess. any feedback of any kind would be appreciated.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by dustintochampagne

it is in my nature to doubt. doubt that she really did mean it,

Did people say things to you in the past that they didn't mean?

doubt that she really would be comfortable doing such a thing if i were to be in the same state of mind again,

Why do you think that she wouldn't be comfortable? Or is it you that wouldn't be comfortable?

doubt that i could ever be brave enough to ask,

You must be used to not asking for your needs to be met. All of us here have or have had this issue. Working past it requires recognizing when we have a need and then pushing ourselves to ask for it.

doubt that she won't get offended and quit me

You really think that if you ask for something she will stop seeing you?

[dustintochampagne]

- yes people have said things to me they didn't mean. i struggle a lot with trust.

- i would be comfortable, she has give me hugs before and it's been fine. i guess that some of this is illogical thinking.... i just worry maybe she changed her mind on the issue.

- i know you're probably right. i just am scared to ask. but i know do know logically she's not a mind reader.... so i guess if i really need this sometime, i have to ask. it's just been habit to put other's needs before my own, yes.

- i know this is an illogical thought, but i do have it sometimes. i have had to switch through a lot of therapists, some not so good/good for me, and i am finally back with my current T who i'd seen for 3 years previously. that illogical part of me is scared sometimes, yes. usually i can do my best to refute such illogical thinking, but like i said, i've been struggling lately in general.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by dustintochampagne

i know this is an illogical thought, but i do have it sometimes. that illogical part of me is scared sometimes, yes. usually i can do my best to refute such illogical thinking, but like i said, i've been struggling lately in general.

Illogical thinking is the norm when you have issues. I know I worked through a load of them! This is how you get better by finding one, examining it and working through it - where did it come from?? Actually, I don't think that they are illogical thoughts but are really feelings and feelings are definitely not logical! Feelings aren't supposed to be logical. They just are.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by dustintochampagne

i just worry maybe she changed her mind on the issue.

This is related to people saying things that they didn't mean possibly?

[dustintochampagne]

i just worry THAT* (ha) maybe she changed her mind on the issue.

yes, i think it must be related that exactly.

your comments about illogical thinking and feelings is interesting to me. i struggle a lot with fully feeling things sometimes.... perhaps i am brushing them off too soon as "illogical thoughts"... hmmm. something for me to think about and hopefully start becoming more aware of.

thank you for going through this with me, by the way, it has opened my eyes a little and perhaps i will ask for any needs i may have with her next time. i suppose therapy is suppose to be as safe a place as any. i guess i'm just afraid of the feeling of rejection the most to be honest.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by dustintochampagne

i guess i'm just afraid of the feeling of rejection the most to be honest.

This ^ is good insight. I hope you do ask next time for what you need! The only way out is through. Be aware and keep going! Keep us posted?