[ECHOES]

This is something that came to mind when I started to feel anxious when reading about psychoanalysis. I was reading about how analysis works by making memories and feelings more available. I also thought of something my therapist said in session last week that made me feel very panicky immediately, even though she was talking in general about my mother's behavior being unpredictable (not about a specific event in my history).

The panic is real. It's an honest reaction that I can't make up or avoid. It just is.
What happened when I was reading and the panic came? I wanted to stop reading.
What happened when my therapist touched on something that took my mind to a memory briefly? I quickly moved on and away from the subject by agreeing with what she said and taking it no further, and I didn't tell her about the memory or the panic.

In my therapy, I am frustrated at how I avoid the very thing I want: to explore and do depth work.

So, I am thinking about panic and anxiety as being defenses, rather that just symptoms or reactions. The panic makes me feel like I have to "do" something: get up and move, eat, go out for a drive, change activities, move across the country, clam up in therapy.

I wonder if I can learn to 'sit' with my anxiety/panic the next time and see what my mind is wanting to run from.

This may be one of the most helpful things to come my way!
The Serendipity of therapy

[Perna]

What great insight! I learned to recognize the anxiety and then go where it led me; is always funny to find myself in front of the open refrigerator wondering how I got there and then thinking back and realizing what I had been reading/thinking right before I got up "Catching" myself in that way felt very good/empowering, even though it didn't necessarily help with the initial anxiety but the strength created by staying with it did. "You can't make me eat, you dumb old anxiety! I'm on to you now!"

[pachyderm]

So did you eat or not?

[Sannah]

Very good Echoes! I think of panic like that as real. When you were with your mom and she was unpredictable you were scared and when it is triggered up, wow, those stashed away, unresolved feelings come right back. Our bodies must use preservatives or something........

I had many triggers like this and what I did is exactly what you are doing right now. The first step is awareness and you did this. The next step is when you are triggered like this again, sit with it, just like you suggested and the next step is to remember where it is coming from. "Oh yeah, this is how I felt when my mom would do......." After this you need to remind yourself that it is today, no mom, you are not a child, this is a memory and a trigger. Tell yourself that you are okay today. Finally, you need to talk with your T about these past feelings and incidents so that you can disarm them. If they are disarmed and the feelings are released they can't be triggered so easily.

This whole process takes time. You might just be aware for a few times before you can sit with it. And then you might not be able to get past the sitting with it for a few times. Each step is important and valuable and eventually you will get through the whole process. Once I got through the whole process, every time that I did it my trigger got weaker and weaker until it disappeared.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

So did you eat or not?

yes but just food for thought


thanks Echoes, I think you ARE 'sitting with it' because you keep on revisiting it. I wonder... the next time this behavior of yr Mom's comes up when you are with T, whether you will notice a change in the panic level, or even its absence, because you've been processing unconsciously and also consciously all this time. good job!!

and thanks Perna, for your comment, you made me realize that this "catching yourself' can be used for just about any compulsive behavior. I am going to try it

[SpiritRunner]

Great insight, Echoes! Sitting with my feelings is something I tried this week to do too.....mainly because fighting them or 'doing' anything else with them wasn't helping at all! It's amazing when you just let the feelings/memories be, be with them, and see what is there with them that needs to be explored, dealt with. It's hard to stop doing and just 'be' though - but then that's doing good work in and of itself!

[Perna]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

So did you eat or not?

Depended on if I was hungry and/or chose to eat. Sometimes now I put a book in my kitchen cabinets or refrigerator to remind myself eating should be a choice, not an emotional response to something unrelated.