I never ever thought I would be writing this. I totally believed I'd be attached to my therapist until I 'grew out' of it. But I think we're done.

I've felt utterly disconnected and rejecting since she came back from Christmas four weeks ago. At first she was the same as she had always been, but now it's gone, she's gone, my lovely T is gone, and although I detached before she did, the pain is terrible.

I don't think she was lying when she said she loved me. I believe that she did. But she just couldn't cope with me in the end, anymore than anyone else ever could.

Please, nothing about BPD and manipulation and patterns tonight. I'm already on the very edge. I have worked myself into the ground these last four years battling sui. Tonight it's very hard to understand why.

For those of you who know any DBT skills, I'd appreciate some friendly reminders. I seem to be all out.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Improving, could I sit with you just quietly for a while? I am sorry you're in so much pain.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

Improving, could I sit with you just quietly for a while? I am sorry you're in so much pain.

I will sit with you, too. I know it hurts and the pain is real.

Thank you, both of you. I appreciate the quiet company very much. I hope you know.

[with or without you]

Sorry, Improving.

can i join in the circle.... just be..... sending safe hugs

[sugahorse1]

I'm sorry improving... Can you bring this up with your T? Maybe there's something going on in her life and she's battling to connect?
Has she mentioned that you can't work together anymore? I really feel you need to talk to her. Ruptures between patient and T hurt a lot...

Thanks sugahorse. Yes, we have talked about it. We've talked about it in three sessions and three phonecalls and endless text messages. To no avail. I am trying not to text her or see her, because my distress is manageable when we are not in contact, whereas it shoots through the roof when we're communicating.

I don't think it's something in her life- she always tells me when it is. It's a reaction to me. It feels more like she was prepared to invest a lot in me when she got something back (I was demanding, certainly, but I was very loving, highly compliant, and 'responded well to therapy'), but now that is gone from my side, I'm just a complaining nusciance. As an example: I'm allowed one phone call a week with her. This week's phone call was supposed to be last night. She didn't call or text. I texted her to ask if we were finished. She replied ten minutes after the last possible time she would have called saying no we weren't finished but she had lots of calls to make and her daughter was refusing to sleep. The last bit said 'I do know this will upset you- sorry for that'. I believe her about the calls and her daughter. But I also feel certain (from 18+ months of experience) that she would never ever have treated me like that before- not called, and then been so casual about not calling and about the effect of not calling when she knows I'm very distressed and feeling terrified about our relationship.

I don't think this is a rupture. I think I believe you have to be in relationship in order for there to be a rupture. We are not in relationship. I left first, then she checked out. It's just a very very unexpected ending.

[sugahorse1]

What are your plans going forward? Are you going to find a new T? Stop therapy altogether? Continue seeing her?

Thank you Sugahorse- that was a really helpful question for thinking through the implications of what's happening.

No. No new therapist. I came into DBT to overcome chronic sui. It worked- however much this loss is hurting, I'm not sui. The next part we were going to do (schema therapy) would have addressed the attachment vulnerability and the patterns and parts of me that don't feel grown up. I totally trusted that this would be resolved within this relationship. Now I'm face to face with the probability that it never will be. If she couldn't do it, noone can. I say this with a lifetime of experience with people who 'tried to help'. This time, we really had *everything* going for us.

So I guess my plans going forward are to cling to the DBT skills for dear life, and to guard my heart closely and work very hard to manage the attachment vulnerability as best I can alone. Is it the life I had finally dared to hope for? No. Will I be able to endure it till I die? I hope so.

[Sweetlove]

Improving...I am so sorry that you are dealing with this right now. With my old T, the relationship sort of tapered off and I didn't need her as much. I also had been going to her for over 6 years and it was more of a friendship than therapy...there was no real attachment. But with my current T, I am terrified of leaving...I can't even stand it when he goes on vacation. I hope this changes eventually but right now I've learned to accept it. I don't want to think about him not being my therapist some day...not until I am ready.

This must be so painful for you...sometimes I think the T/client relationship can be more confusing and hurtful than its worth. BUT, I KNOW IT DOES MORE GOOD THAN BAD AND IT IS FOR THE BEST IN THE LONG RUN. Eventually, we will realize the effect it has had and find use for the tools we've learned. I sincerely hope you will continue therapy if you still feel you're not done...either with trying to reconcile with your T or finding a new one. Please do not try to endure this just to be strong or because you "should" try to handle it alone. It is OK to ask for more help, you have every right to be happy and healthy. Good luck and lots of hugs

(((((((((((((((((((((Improving))))))))))))))))))))))))

I know I've said this before, but I really did have a rupture with T that lasted, literally, an entire summer once. I don't even know why I stuck it out...I guess because I was scared and didn't know what else to do. Eventually, we found each other again, and even though we've have ruptures since then, it's never gotten that bad.

Don't give up. You feel horrible right now, but that doesn't mean that you'll feel that way forever...not even about this relationship. Give you and T a chance to work through this.

Hang in there.

Sitting with you, too