[SpiritRunner]

So...tomorrow my husband is coming to session with me! I feel like a mix of this >> this > and this > with some 'it will be OK, not as hard/bad as I think' all together!
It's something my T suggested a while ago when my husband was wondering why I needed to be in therapy still, but didn't insist on. However, a few days ago, he said, I think I want to come with you! Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather.....I didn't think he was anywhere near that thought or desire! But bless his heart.....he does understand that I am having some serious struggles, that this therapy stuff will probably take a while, and he wants to understand better what he can do to help and support me. So, I told T this and she was like 'that's brilliant' (she likes that word )!
We made up an agenda yesterday. And she had me journal how I felt about him coming.....one thing I wrote was this: 'that I was afraid I would be caught between 2 people who care and have nowhere to hide'. She said, 'that's it right there....you know you will be with 2 people who care about you, you are afraid you will want to hide, but not be able to....because you like to hide!' Amen, sister, that is it in a nutshell indeed!
So I'm just trying to keep in a calm place about it and accept that it's OK if I can't hide......and that it will be OK if I don't hide, especially from those who do care and want to help.

[Perna]

I would try to remember too, that your T is in the same situation you are? She doesn't know your husband at all; what if he asks a hard question of her she might not be able to answer or causes some sort of scene? She's there for you, and if he says/does something that threatens your well being she will have to step in to help you!

You're actually in the "best" seat because you have associations to each of the other two, you and T are a pair and you and your husband are a pair; each pair has individual, shared stories the other person not in that pair doesn't know about. They can't "gang up" against you because they have never worked together, haven't even met each other!

[Sannah]

And its okay to want to hide! If you feel this tomorrow and feel overwhelmed, just say it out loud. This is always so helpful to me. Can't wait to hear how it goes.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Perna

I would try to remember too, that your T is in the same situation you are? She doesn't know your husband at all; what if he asks a hard question of her she might not be able to answer or causes some sort of scene? She's there for you, and if he says/does something that threatens your well being she will have to step in to help you!

You're actually in the "best" seat because you have associations to each of the other two, you and T are a pair and you and your husband are a pair; each pair has individual, shared stories the other person not in that pair doesn't know about. They can't "gang up" against you because they have never worked together, haven't even met each other!

Thanks; this is a good helpful way to look at it!

Originally Posted by Sannah

And its okay to want to hide! If you feel this tomorrow and feel overwhelmed, just say it out loud. This is always so helpful to me. Can't wait to hear how it goes.

Thanks! I will keep this in mind, too.....

[SpiritRunner]

I thought of something else this morning when trying to calm myself/prepare myself for the session today.......that I'm thinking of her as my T and I'm nervous about 'sharing' her, as it were, my husband! I'm certainly not jealous of her other clients, no......but when she's with me, her whole attention is all mine for that time, but this time, it's a different dynamic......the attention will be shared. So, I sort of had to roll my eyes at myself a little when I realized this, as the way I'm feeling is sort of like when one of my kids wants my attention all to him/herself....
It'll be ok, I'm sure it will......!

[rainbow8]

I'm curious to know how your session with your H was!! I hope it went well! My H has come to therapy with me, but not with this T yet. It was usually productive but I did feel like I was missing MY time with MY T.

It's wonderful that your T actually ASKED to come! Mine would never do that. I think it's "brilliant" too. You've got a nice H!

[Sweetlove]

I hope it goes well! Keep us posted!

[rainbow8]

oh, you didn't go yet? Then, good luck!

[Sannah]

That's normal to not want to share your T.

[SpiritRunner]

on our way in 15 minutes!

[SpiritRunner]

Oh wow....I feel completely wiped out! (of course, part of that is due to the fact that I have been sick, some sort of flu, and I'm still feeling sort of loopy from that, too ) It was basic enough, but still intense.....not that it was so hard really, but there was a lot of heavy emotion lying under the surface and I could sure feel it!
My T handled it brilliantly (to use one of her favorite words ) and my husband is impressed with her....so this makes me feel good. She actually reminds him of one of his sisters, who is a warm, earthy, type like my T....and shares the same direct manner, but with a gentle spirit in it also....
So...there was basic stuff about confidentiality, etc. Then she asks him how he thinks I'm doing, what does he see - well, of course I hide things/emotions so well, he said he thought I seemed to be doing well enough....and in the course of the conversation he was simply dumbfounded to realize how deep my depression can be, how I've felt that way most of my life...depression is utterly foreign to him. I had also told him about the safety contract I have with my T because of the really powerful SI compulsions, but of course self-harm, why I would want to, was hard for him to comprehend too, so she did a very good job of explaining to him the shame, the anger I feel against myself, the feeling I should punish myself, that drives the compulsion and also what goes on biochemically in a person's body when they do SI......that was one of the hard hard parts of the conversation. My poor husband was looking so teary. He was like, why do you think you're so bad?! no one is perfect, and you're not that bad! So we have this little discussion about how even though I know some things in a spiritual sense, yet emotionally I cannot seem to let go of the shame or the feeling that I am too bad to ever be clean.....poor guy, he's tender-hearted, yes, but so logical, so rational, that this stuff was just overwhelming him. And of course, he really has had no idea what all has been going on in me or the intensity of it, so he felt somewhat blindsided....I really ached for him. But it's a testament to the fact that, as my T said, I have hid it all so well, and I prefer to hide it because I hate to be vulnerable.....So we talked about, as she put it, adding another communication piece to our marriage. How he can have a special phrase to use to ask me if I really am OK, or I can use a phrase to let him know I'm having a hard time.....she told him to be careful and gentle in how he asks and told me to try to respond without flaring up at him for asking (because I have!)
So....it was heavy, but it was productive. I think my husband understands better now my need to be in therapy, what I'm struggling with, and a little better how he can help me. I hate to be so vulnerable, yes, but it's also time to quit trying to do this all alone, without help, and time to learn how to hide a little less, at least from the people who have shown they care and can help! She told him what I need right now is for him to be gentle and loving and she said, I think I can see that you will do that for her.....
But I just don't think I can handle another joint session any time too soon.....I feel wrung out and undone and like I need to find a deeper place to hide! Although it is really a relief to feel like some of the burden of having to hide is lifted.....and to know that I really do have the support of a wonderful husband and a wonderful T who really 'gets' me and cares.

[rainbow8]

That sounds like a wonderful session, Poet! You are lucky to have your T and your H! As hard as it was for you, now you have someone to support you besides your T. My H doesn't "get it". He's logical and analytical too. He keeps asking if I'm cured yet. I'm glad for you that it worked out.

[Sannah]

Very good pgirl!!

[Sweetlove]

So happy for you! It sounds like you have a very supportive husband, or at least you will now. It must be such a relief to have him respect your T and have a bit more knowledge. Sounds like your T is pretty great too!

[skeksi]

It sounds like a real success, a session that opened your husband's eyes. It's wonderful that he was willing to go and to listen and to take a role that would be supportive. What a positive, if exhausting piece of work you both did!

Sounds exhausting! Sounds like it was good of your h to go and t seemed to really help him understand. i really liked what your t said about adding "another communication piece" it feels so great when the t totally gets us!

ps i can sooo relate to the wanting to hide

[SpiritRunner]

Thanks all! Yes, it was exhausting but worth it.....my H said it sure wasn't his idea of fun, but that it was productive. I think he's glad to get a better understanding of what I'm dealing with, and now that he understands better, I think he will be more supportive and loving and gentle with me than before.....there won't be the 'aren't you done yet?' question because I think he sees better why I'm not done!
And I do feel blessed in the T I have......I might be a little biased, but I think she's awesome, not perfect, but still awesome!