[rainbow8]

Even though my T is so accepting, gentle, and nonjudgmental, I'm panicky about talking to her tomorrow. It's one of those subjects--you know. I don't want to go into details or put a trigger warning on this. I already emailed her that I'm embarrassed about something on my collage. I know I have to talk about this subject more. I want to. But I keep visualizing how it will go, and I see myself becoming more and more embarrassed, and I hate that icky, sweaty, blushing mess I could become. I think that's why I never cry. I can't stand being icky. But if I don't talk, I'll feel worse.

I'm so good at telling others to just "jump in" and I can usually do that, but I don't know how I'm going to do it this time. My T will probably want to "talk to" the part that is afraid first, to let her know it's all right. She will reassure me like she always does. But I still don't want her to see me struggling for words and looking a mess!

I realize this is what therapy is for, and it's going to be messy. But I hate messy.

[Perna]

Rainbow, don't get ahead of yourself! You don't know how tomorrow will go until it's going tomorrow. Remember, you don't have to talk about everything all at once and you can stop/shut down anytime you want or need to! That's why we have defenses, they aren't bad things, they're to defend us! You cannot get hurt because you won't let yourself. You are strong and capable of defending yourself.

I'm sure there are lots of things on your collage and lots of things that haven't been talked about so only discuss what you want to. If necessary, point to the piece of your collage and just "acknowledge" it, that you want to talk a little about it but are scared witless :-) and T will help you!

[SpiritRunner]

sometimes the anticipation is more painful than the reality turns out to be. maybe it won't be as hard or bad as you are fearing right now, rainbow!
I remember some sessions recently where I had this OMG feeling and then when we talked about it I was like, oh, that wasn't as worst-case scenario as I imagined it would be! not that it was always easy.....but the way my T handled it made it easier.
and I understand about not wanting things to be messy and about not crying....I don't cry either because I don't to be a vulnerable mess!

[WikidPissah]

I know exactly what you mean. My T appt is tomorrow too.

I sent my T an email over the weekend with a topic I need to talk about. I am freaking out, because it is something I've been keeping from him, and now I know he knows. I want to cancel, I want to quit, I want to do anything other then go in there and talk about it. But that was a deal we made since I can't ever talk, that I would send an email each week with some things on my mind and we could address them in session.

I'll be your pocket rider if you'll be mine

[peaches100]

Hi Rainbow,

I know you're nervous, but i also know you can do this!!! Just allow the nervous feelings to be there, acknowledge them, but keep putting one foot in front of the other. You can do it!

[with or without you]

I get the not wanting to cry thing either. I'm always obsessed with being "professional", even though only one of us truly has to be, and it's not me!

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((((((((((( rainbow ))))))))))))))))))) when you get there, when you two start talking, you will know whether it's OK for you to go ahead or not. If not, there's nothing wrong with that. But even if so, pls be confident that your T will make it as easy on you as possible. You've shown yourself to be so brave already. Take it as it comes

[Fartraveler]

Hi Rainbow.

Just wanted to offer some support. It will be fine.

-Far

[granite1]

i know thaty red faced panicy yuck feeling so well my T even feels the need to let me know that she sees i am upset about something because my face is beat red.if you have already told her you are feeling icky about talking about something i am sure she will know how to ease your mind rainjust let the words come .

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( Rainbow ))))

[Sweetlove]

(((((Rainbow)))))

Did you T email you back about the hard stuff in the collage? I'm sure she knows it won't be fun for you to talk about and be cautious of how it is discussed.

I know you're scared but you have already done the toughest part, by putting that stuff in the collage. You knew eventually you would have to face it if it was right there in front of you and that takes so much courage.

Have faith that your T will know what to do. You may hate messy...but your T doesn't. If she did, she wouldn't be a T. Sometimes messy is good...it means progress.

Good luck tomorrow...I'll be thinking of you

[PTSDlovemycats]

Rainbow, just take it slow. slow it down a bit. I understand your nervousness, It will be ok. And it is OK to struggle and for her to see you struggle. Who else would be better to struggle infront of than the one who is there to support and guide you? Do you need a pocket rider? I am available.

[rainbow8]

I appreciate the support from all of you.
Perna: I know I don't HAVE to talk about anything, but when I can't get it out of my mind, I know I'll feel worse if I don't talk about it.

Poetgirl: Anticipation IS often worse, but I'm at the point where it's that way because I hold back. I am so tired of holding back feelings and tears and feeling messy. I've been in therapy so long but I've usually kept it "looking good" and not messy.

Eileen: It's a deal! We'll be pocket riders tomorrow. Thanks!

Peaches: Thanks for being here for me always.

WOWY: Good point. I don't have to be professional; T does! I always want to look good in therapy, which is so silly but hard to change in myself.

SAWE: Thank you! I don't know if I'm brave or just desperate and tired of holding back.

Far, granite, MUE: thanks!

sweetlove: No, my T will only email me back once each week (though I suspect that's open to change if I really need her to) but I know she read it. I hate being messy and she knows it. So, I will probably remind her of that first. I'm getting scared again. It would so much easier to talk about so many other things, even love, which was the topic of choice before I did my collages!

PTSDlovemycats: I don't like my T to see me struggle. Maybe I've been faking therapy all along? Yes, hop in my pocket. Thanks!

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

WOWY: Good point. I don't have to be professional; T does! I always want to look good in therapy, which is so silly but hard to change in myself.

Yeah, I've cried in front of T a grand total of one time (and once on the phone)...and even then it was a "theatrical" cry...just couple tears rolling down my face and my voice getting shaky. I couldn't do a full-blown sobfest, just way too messy for her to see that.

It is funny the more I think about it, I'm laughing to myself right now...I do always want to "look good" and put together in there, how ridiculous is that? LOL

[rainbow8]

Yeah, wowy. I pick out my clothes carefully and make sure my hair looks nice, etc. for my appointment. I want to make a good impression on my T. But she doesn't care. She just wants to help me with my feelings! Well, who knows? Maybe tomorrow will be different.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Poetgirl: Anticipation IS often worse, but I'm at the point where it's that way because I hold back. I am so tired of holding back feelings and tears and feeling messy. I've been in therapy so long but I've usually kept it "looking good" and not messy.

Good point. I don't have to be professional; T does! I always want to look good in therapy, which is so silly but hard to change in myself.

I don't like my T to see me struggle.

I know how you feel.....there's a lot of emotion I have held back, but it's not like it's hidden and T can't see it anyway!
Funny about the professional part.....I always try to look nice no matter how cruddy I feel. I wear my nicer clothes, never my sweats......I have the thought that if I'm going to sit there being vulnerable and pouring the darkness out of my soul, at least I'm going to look decent doing it!
But then I don't want her to see me struggle, either, because I don't want anyone to see me struggle........but I see where this desire to keep 'looking good' and not be seen struggling has interfered with therapy (and some relationships, too, actually) so I'm working on letting go of that. I admire your courage, rainbow, in making that effort, too!

[Suratji]

My T gently encourages me to feel my emotions. Being cerebral isn't healing she explains. The emotions are in the limbic part of the brain and are very powerful. Our cognitive brain has no power over them in the end. I've learned that by suppressing or denying the emotions they can burst out and cause extreme havoc in one's life. It's much much better to release them with the T than risk an explosion outside of session. By not being aware of my underlying emotions for so many years I almost completely ruined my life permanently when they took over. If there's any place to be open and allow someone to see our struggle, it's with the T. That's what they're there for - to help us learn about ourselves, process that info and then acquire coping mechanisms.

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

I have the thought that if I'm going to sit there being vulnerable and pouring the darkness out of my soul, at least I'm going to look decent doing it!

hahaha "you look like a million dollars!....except for your face....."

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by with or without you

hahaha "you look like a million dollars!....except for your face....."

haha!since I've never cried yet, my face has generally (I think!) looked decent, too........but I do look terrible when I cry, and I sound terrible too!

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

haha!since I've never cried yet, my face has generally (I think!) looked decent, too........but I do look terrible when I cry, and I sound terrible too!

I am honest with T and I will tell her if I've been crying lately, though. Especially if I write one of my little "essays" about myself that I send to her, I'll write "crying right now" or something.

[rainbow8]

Me too. I tell her when I cry at home, or once after I read an email from her that really touched me. But, never have I shed a tear in therapy with her or any of my past Ts either. Sometimes I think I want to bring an onion to therapy just so I could cry!!

[with or without you]

watch the ending of "Marley and Me" right before your appointment, that'll turn on the waterworks

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by with or without you

I am honest with T and I will tell her if I've been crying lately, though. Especially if I write one of my little "essays" about myself that I send to her, I'll write "crying right now" or something.

That's good! I can't seem to do any more than tell mine that mine are stuck behind my eyes or feel like a big lump in my chest.....if they ever come out, I think we'll both be surprised.

[rainbow8]

I couldn't sleep well, got up at 5:30a.m. and have an upset stomach due to nerves. I know I'll be okay once I get there but it's still over 5 hours away. I'm going out in a couple of hours though. The weather is not so good, either. It's very cold. I'm bringing my own peppermint tea as I don't especially like the kind T offers me. The way I am, I'll probably forget my collages. Got to put them by my purse. Oh, panic. BTW, I'm like this every week but to a lesser degree sometimes.

[WikidPissah]

let us know how it goes rainbow!