[etatall]

I think that this experience, which by far has been one of the most painful experiences in my life, has only strengthened my belief that I do not want to have a relationship. I expressed that belief before therapy and I express it now. Most of you will disagree with me. Most of you will tell me that I should choose relationships and the terrible pain that comes along with them. But it's my life and just like I want my therapist to respect my decision (I'm not sure she does) I want you all to do the same.

1. What I want to know is whether in the course of therapy, these powerful feelings, just like they mechanically emerge, will eventually mechanically fade?

2. Can someone here guarantee me that if I stick to therapy a while longer, I'll eventually not feel anything toward my therapist? That I will feel toward my therapist the same indifference that I feel toward my doctor, my boss, my dentist?

3. Will the therapist take an active role in fixing the transference? Will she attempt to create a negative transference that will negate the "positive" transference? Or am I supposed to be proactive and express hatred toward my therapist?

4. Or does my therapist expect me to find a person who will take her place? If that's the case she made a huge, incorrect assumption and underestimated the strength of my desires. And far from helping me, hurt me permanently.

While no one here can guarantee anything, I can tell you that I went through what you are talking about. Like you, I did not want a relationship with anyone. And I sure did not want to have feelings (romantic feelings) toward my therapist. That was totally unexpected and I did not know how to handle it. It was very painful to go through, knowing that I could never have that kind of relationship with her. I knew that we could not even be friends. That hurt a lot.

Fortunately, my therapist knew how to handle this with 'kid gloves'. She did not make me feel embarrassed, nor did she humilate me in any way. It was not easy to talk about with her, but because of the support I found here on PC, I was able to be open with her about my concern with the feelings I was developing in therapy.

It did not just go away in one session. It has taken months for me to come to a point that I finally get what this relationship is. I no longer have those feelings for her that were causing so much agony for me. I am still very fond of her and have to keep myself in check when I feel those feelings coming back again.

I am sorry this is so hard on you. I know how you feel. There are a number of us who have gone through this, so stick with it and keep posting on PC.

[Melbadaze]

etall, when I entered therapy I told T that I did not wish to become some sociable creature, I enjoy my reclusiveness, though I am married with children, and T would smile and I took that smile as a threat, I've every now and again repeated that first demand, whenever I feel myslef opening to my human needs, and blamed T and therapy...when one enters therapy, you must be prepared for change, but your looking at change from an unchanged point of view and coming up with the same answers...therapy doesn't mean you will suddenly throw yourself into something you don't want, but it will enable you to choose and not be driven or held hostage by old wounds, and yes negative transference does occur...is where I've done most of my work...

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by etatall

I think that this experience, which by far has been one of the most painful experiences in my life, has only strengthened my belief that I do not want to have a relationship. I expressed that belief before therapy and I express it now. Most of you will disagree with me. Most of you will tell me that I should choose relationships and the terrible pain that comes along with them. But it's my life and just like I want my therapist to respect my decision (I'm not sure she does) I want you all to do the same.

Relationships can bring a lot of good stuff and incredible pain. I would never try to convince anyone that they are all good. Never.

Originally Posted by etatall

1. What I want to know is whether in the course of therapy, these powerful feelings, just like they mechanically emerge, will eventually mechanically fade?

Mine did, but it took a lot of work and willingness to sit with some pretty hurtful and confusing feelings until they did. I value the relationship I have with my therapist a lot now. It's resolved into a very comfortable, beneficial thing for me.

Originally Posted by etatall

2. Can someone here guarantee me that if I stick to therapy a while longer, I'll eventually not feel anything toward my therapist? That I will feel toward my therapist the same indifference that I feel toward my doctor, my boss, my dentist?

I don't know if you will ever feel nothing towards your therapist. But perhaps you may come to see that your therapist is there to help you, like your doctor or your dentist. With all those emotions flying around though, creating a charged atmosphere, I don't think it will ever be like a physician. Especially not like with your boss. Of course, I don't know your boss.

Originally Posted by etatall

3. Will the therapist take an active role in fixing the transference? Will she attempt to create a negative transference that will negate the "positive" transference? Or am I supposed to be proactive and express hatred toward my therapist?

Well, IMO, the therapist can help by being receptive and open to the way you feel. Not minimizing it or becoming defensive about it. They can help you realize where this is coming from (that won't fix it, IMO BTW), and the issues you have that underpin it. With me, most of the work coming to terms with it was on my part. I would be very surprised if your therapist tried to create a negative transference. I mean that kinda sounds like an all or nothing kinda interaction. "You will either love me or hate me". I think it is more likely they will try to help you find a middle ground.

If you are mad at your therapist, you should tell them.

Originally Posted by etatall

4. Or does my therapist expect me to find a person who will take her place? If that's the case she made a huge, incorrect assumption and underestimated the strength of my desires. And far from helping me, hurt me permanently.

I don't know if it is about taking her place, or what your therapist expects. I think therapists just want us to be happy, and for us to play an active positive role in that happiness. Have our lives be less of a reaction to events (past or present), and more of a deliberate, in the now, and informed choice on our part - whatever choices we make.

[ladyjrnlist]

I went through transference as well. It morphed into a comfortable trusting feeling and I think it came about for me when I was feeling especially vulnerable. My T guided me through it and we came out the other end in a better relationship.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by etatall

1. What I want to know is whether in the course of therapy, these powerful feelings, just like they mechanically emerge, will eventually mechanically fade?

I had a very intense reaction to my therapist in our first months of therapy. I wouldn't call it transference, but some might. It did morph into a very comfortable and close relationship with him that is not transferential. There was nothing mechanical about this, however.

Originally Posted by etatall

3. Will the therapist take an active role in fixing the transference? Will she attempt to create a negative transference that will negate the "positive" transference? Or am I supposed to be proactive and express hatred toward my therapist?

I have never heard of a therapist deliberately creating a negative transference in order to cancel out a positive transference, so my guess is your T would not do this. If you hate your therapist, then express that. If you don't hate your therapist, then don't express that. Be honest with your feelings and expressing them. I don't know what role your T will take in helping you work through the transference, i.e. "fix" it. Have you asked her? What did she say?

Originally Posted by etatall

Most of you will disagree with me. Most of you will tell me that I should choose relationships and the terrible pain that comes along with them.

It's hard to know what people will say until you ask them.

Originally Posted by etatall

I want my therapist to respect my decision (I'm not sure she does)

A good thing to talk about with her if you are unsure. Does she have a habit of not respecting what you say?

Originally Posted by etatall

4. Or does my therapist expect me to find a person who will take her place? If that's the case she made a huge, incorrect assumption and underestimated the strength of my desires.

It's probably best to ask your therapist if she expects that.

You raise a lot of good questions about your relationship with your therapist, etatall. I think they are all worth discussing with your therapist. She has probably been through this before with clients so will hopefully have some insight. With more information, you might be reassured, or the next step in how you respond might become clearer. Good luck.