So, I guess T and I are going to make cards tomorrow.

I called him on the phone yesterday, and asked him to call back, which I almost never do. I was actually really scared to do it, which seems silly considering the length and depth of our relationship...but it was one of those stupid boundary moments. Is it okay to call and ask for a call back? Anyhow, it WAS okay, and we talked for a little while.

I asked him if he thought that the "My love is stupid" feeling comes from making all of those "I love you Momma" cards for my mom and being treated how I was. He sounded sad, and said yes....he said some other things too, but I can't remember what.

I asked him what would happen if my 8 year old part made a card for him. I can't remember the exact answer (apparently I can't remember much of this phone call at all, actually)...but I think he said it would be wonderful.

We had e-mailed about making a card together for the 8 year old, but I think that maybe I will see if we can sit on the floor and she can make a card for him and he can make a card for her. And then maybe I'll make one for her too. Maybe.

I know this all must sound very nice, but I feel scared, and sad. Maybe it goes back to all of the things I've made for T...the knitted stuff, the cooked stuff...and his reaction to those things (always hugely positive and appreciative). And the "perfect" gift from the other client and my feeling that my gifts, and my love, are STUPID. It feels really really really really risky to let my little part make a card for T.

I guess I'll just see what it feels like tomorrow. But I'm going to bring construction paper and markers and stuff just in case.

I think that is really insightful, tree and it makes perfect sense to me that you feel scared and sad.

I hope T does make a card for the 8-year-old tree and that she receives it fully into her heart as the genuine, loving gesture that it is.

[granite1]

sounds like a great idea i may steal it someday as i make cards all the time and it may be relaxing for me dont be scared i bet T will love it and will make you one also

That is so sweet that your therapist allows you to do those things. Mine makes me stay in the present and not go back in the past.

i think this will be a good thing for you.

So. I have therapy in a couple of hours.

The thing with the cards, is that I can't "magically" make my 8 year old part appear. I know that at last session, T was asking me questions about seeing things from her point of view...."what was X like for HER", "what would she say about X", etc and I think that did sort of flip a switch, but I don't know.

When I am in "adult" mode, I can't just "be little". And I've been feeling so self-protective lately. And this is the last time I see T for 11 days because I'm going on vacation.

Whatever happens will be okay. But I am nervous. Nervous about being rejected, about not getting what I need, about everything.

I love T. I kind of wish I could just go and sit next to him on the couch and lean on his arm and just rest.

[granite1]

when i was doing the art it was hard but once i started i realy relaxed into it and i guess you could say i was young again .maybe even if you are in adult mode give it a try and just start maybe that will help

[SpiritRunner]

(((((((tree))))))) thinking of you today!

[Sannah]

If she can eventually go in there and express how she felt about feeling that her love was stupid, this would be really good I think.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I know this all must sound very nice, but I feel scared, and sad.

tree, if it were me, I would probably sit on the floor with the card materials and cry the whole time. I think you are very brave to do these things.

Originally Posted by treehouse

I kind of wish I could just go and sit next to him on the couch and lean on his arm and just rest.

Would it be OK to do this? It sounds like it may be just what you need. If you are too stressed out about the cardmaking, especially before your 11 day break from T, maybe you could defer it until afterwards?

Hope you can do what feels right for you and let T know what you most need. (((((treehouse)))))

Even if your 8-year-old isn't there today, it'd be cool if T made a card for her. You could hold onto it for her until she's ready to receive it.

This is something kinda similar to what my kids had asked our T. My 'mothers' birthday is coming up next week. T's birthday is late this month. My kids asked if we could celebrate her birthday early, and send her loving birthday cards that my mother would never appreciate. She was all for it. My kids have no problems coming up/out to her though and readily snuggle up with her.
I hope you, 8-year old tree, and T have a wonderful session.

[elliemay]

you know I think a lot of the time, most therapy ends up being about that 8 year old girl.

I hope you and your T took good care of her today.

I made a card for T and he made a card for me.

His card for me was very sweet. It was something that made me laugh and smile. When I think about it it makes me feel happy.

I made a card for him. I laid on the floor and it took most of the session. I felt scared. Scared that he would be angry, scared that he would think the card was stupid. I had to take breaks and just lay with my head on my arms. T reassured me.

I gave T the card, and he talked about it. He talked about the picture on the front and the words I wrote. I told him that I wanted to throw it away, and I reached for it (he was on the floor with me) and he gently put his hand over it and said "wait a minute". I told him I was scared he would realize later how stupid it was. I told him I was scared he was going to get mad. I just REALLY didn't want him to have it. I told him the words in it were true, and I would make him another card sometime, but I wanted that one back so we could throw it away.

T said he really wanted to keep it. He asked what he could do to make it more comfortable for me...not to make it all better, but to make it bearable. I asked him to write down that he promised that he wouldn't think it was stupid and wouldn't get mad at me. He wrote me a note on the back of the card he gave me.

I told him that even with the note, he could be lying, or he could change his mind, and he said this was a time I was going to have to trust him. I knew that, I KNOW that, but it's hard. But I'm trying.

I'm trying not to think about it. I like having T's card for me though

[Fartraveler]

Thanks for sharing that, Tree.

Good for you, for taking the risk of letting him keep the card you made him. And I am so happy for you that you have the one that he made for you.

-Far

[SpiritRunner]

I'm glad you have T's card for you, and that you let him keep the one you made....your T is special tree. I think he will do all he can to keep your trust and treasure your love....

(((((((((((Tree 8yrs old))))))))))))
the more you write about your t the more awesome he becomes. thanks for sharing your special moments

(i like how you said in one of your posts about hiding notes under his carpet. i think i am going to do that next time just so i can picuture t later crawling on the floor looking for it... lol)

I remembered a little bit ago that T said I could ask as many times as I need to if he's changed his mind, if he thinks me/her/thecard/mylove is stupid, if he's mad.

So I e-mailed him and asked him. I reminded him he said I could ask as many times as I need to.

He said he absolutely hasn't changed his mind, that we did good, hard work today, and that he will leave me a message in the morning.

I feel a little freaked out because the card is signed with the long version of my name. That is the unloved me. I started using the short version later, and this me isn't the wounded one. It feels SO VULNERABLE to have that name on the card

[PTSDlovemycats]

That is great Tree. I am glad that it went so well. I wish my T would make me a card. Hope things continue to improve. You are very brave and courageous. What is this about hiding notes to T under the carpet?? Take Care.

Originally Posted by PTSDlovemycats

What is this about hiding notes to T under the carpet?? Take Care.

Sometimes I write down words that I don't want in my head and try to leave them there with T. I have a box on his desk, but sometimes I don't even want them in there. So, T and I looked around his office for another place I could leave the words that feels safe and far away and contained, and we ended up sticking them under the carpet on the other side of the room, far away from the couch.

That sounds weird. But therapy is weird.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I feel a little freaked out because the card is signed with the long version of my name. That is the unloved me. I started using the short version later, and this me isn't the wounded one. It feels SO VULNERABLE to have that name on the card

I think it is better the way you did it. The wounded you is the one who needs to heal.

I started feeling REALLY kind of icky and vulnerable around all of this this morning. I thought about T putting my card in my file, and how that would feel, and I wished I had just thrown it away. I e-mailed him and asked him where he had put it, and he sent me this reply:

Hey Tree - I have placed your card in a space that is meaningful to me, not associated with therapy, but with love, kindness and grace.
T

I love T. I see how he is being so careful and gentle with this and it helps.

Originally Posted by treehouse

I started feeling REALLY kind of icky and vulnerable around all of this this morning. I thought about T putting my card in my file, and how that would feel, and I wished I had just thrown it away. I e-mailed him and asked him where he had put it, and he sent me this reply:

Hey Tree - I have placed your card in a space that is meaningful to me, not associated with therapy, but with love, kindness and grace.
T

I love T. I see how he is being so careful and gentle with this and it helps.

I'm sure he is keeping it very safe for you. I can understand the vulnerability. From where I sit, I see it as a very beautiful thing. Not icky at all.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Tree that is such a cool idea about leaving those under the carpet! I want to try that!

[googley]

((((((((Tree)))))))

I think it is so special that you made cards with your T. I'm so sorry that you are feeling vulnerable about it. I think your Ts answer to your question was amazing. His actions show how much he cares. I think it is amazing.