Darkrunner's thread about using the word "victim" got me thinking about how powerful words can be. It totally came up in session today.

I read yesterday about a senator disclosing that he was sexually abused as a child...and that he was an easy target because he was being physically abused at home and was "lost".

That is my story exactly. I didn't feel triggered when I read it, but as time went by, it's like it took hold in the back of my brain.

So, when I saw T this morning, we were talking about whatever and the next thing I knew I was in my dark place. It's safe there - just darkness in all directions, just me, ALONE. I know T asked me questions, but I can't remember what. A bunch of stuff came back to me from other sessions that I had forgotten about, that was lost time, and I came out to ask him "did this happen?" "did this happen?", and it did.

I wanted to draw, so T gave me paper and colored pencils and a marker, and he sat with me on the couch, but as soon as I had the supplies, I didn't want to draw anymore. I told him I was going to write him a note from my grown up part, and I wrote about the senator.

I wrote the words the senator used. Abuse. Target. And I asked T if those words were true and he said yes. And I asked if they were true for me and he said yes. I scribbled them out, and all that was left were neutral words. I asked him to write the words for what happened to me when I was little. We've never used the "real" words for any of this stuff, I don't think. He asked if I was sure, and I said yes, but while he was writing it, I got so scared and asked if right when we was done we could make a list of words that are true NOW.

So he wrote the words (ugh) and I scribbled them out and started a new list. I wrote some words, and then he would take the pen and add words. And then we made a list for "not yet" too. Some of the "now" words were: safe (mine), Loved (his), believed, trust, grace - there were lots more, but I can't remember. Some of the "not yet" words were: Whole, filled up. Plus more.

When we were done with the lists, I was still so scared. I sat with T and he told me a story and used all of the "now" words in the list, in order, so I could follow along.

Then I asked him to tell me a story from now, from real life, and he told me something he is doing tonight. I needed to be brought back into NOW and it helped.

I had the hugest headache ever after the session. Words are so, so, so powerful. I want to learn to use the words to make their power go away. But just seeing them in writing almost made me completely come unglued. I guess it will be a process, like everything else.

I guess that's all. I asked T if he would say the words from the "now" list on my message later, so I will have them. I want to hang on to them.

Tree, just thank you for sharing this. I hope your message later on is everything you need it to be, and that your headache heals soon.

Unfortunately the senator's story is so true for many. I am glad you could get some of this out. Hope your headache goes away soon.

That is so powerful. I think it's great that you wrote all those words, tree.

I have to admit my stomach sank as I read this, because I have not yet accepted the correct words for what happened to me either.

I had a phone call with old T last week, and she is always very careful to avoid those triggering words. But she said at one point, "I'm sorry. There's no other way to say this, but you were parentified....you're one of the most parentified (adult) children I've ever seen."

It was sort of funny, because I had to go look up what parentified meant...and then it made me sad to read.

[WePow]

You are very brave. Great job in session today!!!!

[Sweetlove]

Good job Tree...that took a lot of courage. It is one thing to say the words in your head, it's completely different when they are on paper, staring you in the face.

I love that you and your T make lists. I'm sort of making one with my T tomorrow and I hope it goes as well as yours!

I hope the voicemail from T is wonderful...share if you want to

[SpiritRunner]

thank you for sharing, tree.....I love to read about your sessions. they sound so real, so profound, so deep, so full of love and grace from your T, even though I understand the pain there is there, too.

Thanks you guys.

I have this rebound anger now. I know that I had a teen part when I was the age that we're talking about who would come in and deal with the stuff from my mom while I watched. I think that teen doesn't want me to tell, and there is all of this internal anger and hatred and shame when I do. Ugh.

That probably doesn't even make sense. I hate this place (that I'm in inside, not PC) I'm literally going to shut myself in my room for the rest of the day.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Thanks you guys.

I have this rebound anger now. I know that I had a teen part when I was the age that we're talking about who would come in and deal with the stuff from my mom while I watched. I think that teen doesn't want me to tell, and there is all of this internal anger and hatred and shame when I do. Ugh.

That probably doesn't even make sense. I hate this place (that I'm in inside, not PC) I'm literally going to shut myself in my room for the rest of the day.

I'm leaving for the night - baseball, outside, thank God - but I just wanted to say I talked to T on the phone. He calmed things down inside a little bit and then he read the list of Now words to me twice. I asked "are they true?" and he said "they are" and I asked "for ALL of my parts?" and he said "yes, for sure". And I felt things quiet down. He said that after he hung up, he was going to leave me a message with the Now list so I can listen to it, and he did, and I listened.

I have to believe I'm going to be okay. My adult self can look around and see that everything is fine here and now....but it doesn't feel like that inside.

I'm so grateful that I'm going to sit under the big sky for a few hours. That's what I need.

[elliemay]

Big skies are nice.