[moonrise]

What would it be?

I would convey how I am still terrified she'll abandon me, even after all this time. I haven't told her because I feel like it's been said enough. But I still feel it and it affects so much.

You?

[Suratji]

I'm lucky that I have complete faith and confidence in my T. I trust her completely. But there is one sensitive issue I hope to be able to share with her in the next couple of months or so. She knows I'm holding back and she may even suspect what it is but I'm not brave enough to talk about it yet because it's so shameful to me. So, I won't even share it here. After that one thing is brought up, there will not be anything that I will hold back from my T. Like I said before, she's awesome

[geez]

I journaled about what I wanted to tell my T and then I sent her the digital copy from my journal. I'm a little nervous about my next T appt in a couple weeks.

I was sitting here trying to think of things...but I think I tend to just TELL him, so I can't think of anything.

I thought "how much I love him"...but he knows that
I thought "how much I want to be his favorite"...but he DEFINITELY knows that

He knows all of my stories, he knows all of my big feelings for him, he knows how grateful I am that he's my T and that he's teaching me how to live, finally.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Hmmm - most of the things I haven't told my T are things I can't say out loud or write about yet. My T is awesome, and I will probably eventually tell her these things as well. I've told her how much I appreciate everything she's done for me so far, and that I trust her and well...lots of things I've never told anyone else.

One thing I can think of, though....I've been tempted to tell her several times that I wish I'd met her as a friend but that then I wouldn't have her as a therapist! I wish I could have both relationships with her (as a friend and as a therapist), but I know that's not really possible and I accept that.

[SpiritRunner]

Hmm....I guess there are things, parts of my story, I have yet to tell T - but she does know the basic parts and that there's more.....
she knows that I felt from the beginning she would have been someone I could be friends with, if not for the fact she's my T instead....and I want her as my T more than I want her as my friend....
She knows I despise boundaries, but that I respect them....
I think she knows I love her, though I haven't said it....and am not sure I dare.
But I haven't told her of the deepest, deepest desire or dream or whatever it is (a need or a want, I don't know....) that I have had for most of my life.....and I am simply not sure I can tell her, because I know it can't be anyway.....

[zooropa]

I think my T knows most of what I would like her to know. I think if there is anything I wish she knew it's how grateful I am, how much I appreciate her, how m much she has helped me. Maybe it's tinge for me to tell her all that again. I have told her before, but my words always seem so much less than adequate.

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I think my T knows most of what I would like her to know. I think if there is anything I wish she knew it's how grateful I am, how much I appreciate her, how m much she has helped me. Maybe it's tinge for me to tell her all that again. I have told her before, but my words always seem so much less than adequate.

I call and leave a msg. for my T after almost every session to tell her how much I appreciate her and how grateful I am. I'm just realizing since you said this that I haven't said it to her face. hmmmm

[rainbow8]

I think I've told her just about everything! Hmm. I beat around the bush about the child part loving her, and I emailed about love. I really don't know if I could just say the words "I love you" because I'm not sure if I do love her. It's parts of me that do--child parts. At my last session I said "you know I like you".

I've told her how glad I am that I "found" her.
I've told her I'm afraid she'll die.

[deliquesce]

*trigger*

ok. deli insecurity: as much as i love pdoc, i'm still scared he goes home, gets drunk & beats up his kids. i want pdoc to know because i need reassurance that he doesnt do this. i need some story of what he does do, so that i can replace it with the story i've got in my head.

but yeah, kind of a ****** one to bring up.

I have no idea because I pretty much tell t whatever I want to. No secrets hiding around in my therapy. He already knows how much I appreciate him.

I've told her everything I want her to know.

But I guess if I could choose anything, right now it would be: I would want her to know how it feels to be the one who waits all week for my turn, the one who cares far more, the one whose life and healing is depending on this.

I know that she does 'know', because she has been the client in a therapeutic relationship very similar to this. But I guess I would want her to remember how it feels, and to treat me accordingly.

[with or without you]

I think I've pretty much told her everything...how I think of her often, I miss her, how highly I regard her and her abilities. A couple weeks ago, she was over 15 minutes late calling me for a phone session and I told her she scared me...I didn't elaborate on the crazy stuff I was imagining that could have happened, though.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by moonrise

.......I would convey how I am still terrified she'll abandon me, even after all this time. I haven't told her because I feel like it's been said enough.,,,,,

wow, ((((((( moonrise ))))))) me too but I could never get those words out.
I guess I wish I could make her understand how truly ALIEN this whole process is to me. We have touched on it, but it's so hard to convey. Besides, there's nothing she can do about it.

I feel like I have to change gears going in there & coming out again; like I am translating everyting that comes in from her, and goes out to her into a strange and new language that I halt and stumble in; sometimes between sessions i wonder if I represent myself truthfully in there (but I really work at that, and my finding my mother's papers recently proved to me with a shock that I am telling her the truth)...

Oh never mind. Too many words to get it out sensibly. sorry

[Paige008]

Wow, there is so much I would like her to know! If she could be a mind reader, it would be awesome - so much easier!

If there was one thing though....

I'd say that I'd want her to know how much I really do need her and that even though I act like I don't care, I really do and I want so badly to believe that she actually cares about me like she says she does.

Also, that I wish we could sit closer. I'm too stubborn to make the first move. = )

[rainbow8]

In the past, I would have had so many things to post in this thread. I can't believe that I tell my T everything now. I truly hope those of you who can't yet do that will find the courage and strength to do so. It is such a relief and so freeing to know that you can tell your T anything and not have to keep it inside!

[with or without you]

There is one more thing, but it's more of a question....I wonder when T's birthday is...not necessarily the year, she's given herself away a couple times as to her approx. age range.

I would ask my therapist to tell me if he/she were unable to help me. I am so weary of being an experiment; a learning experience for the therapist without my consent.

[skeksi]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

as much as i love pdoc, i'm still scared he goes home, gets drunk & beats up his kids. i want pdoc to know because i need reassurance that he doesnt do this. i need some story of what he does do, so that i can replace it with the story i've got in my head.

I had that same fear! I did eventually tell T and it really helped to hear him tell me a different story.

[brittfly]

i would tell my t thanks... thanks so much for helping save my life 5 years ago .... i have no idea how to express that to him... i will forever be grateful

[WikidPissah]

omg Deli and Skeksi....ME TOO....

If there was one thing I wanted T to know it is that I am petrified that he is some kind of drunken abusive pervert.

disclaimer: my abusers were upper class well educated professionals.

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

I would ask my therapist to tell me if he/she were unable to help me. I am so weary of being an experiment; a learning experience for the therapist without my consent.

I'm curious why that is a difficult question to ask. I find myself challenging my T. I want to know what we're doing and how it will help. I need to know that so I can feel o.k. that we're not going in circles. So far, it has really helped asking those questions. I ask her, "Why am I doing this?" "How can it help?" "Can you help me?", etc.

[Travelinglady]

Interesting question! I guess it would be how grateful I am that it worked out for her to be my T at this point in my life. I think she already knows that, but I will probably tell her more openly at some point.

[deliquesce]

thanks, skeksi & eileen. it helps to know that i'm not the only person with these thoughts. i feel so guilty about them.