I don't even know? rambling.

haha, wow...cant do the homework she gave me, sounds crazy though because all it is, is writing down the things that are "life-giving" to me.
like, she thinks I don't treat myself well all the time, I need to write down the things that bring me joy. I think as I grew up I interpreted my parents words as, "you don't deserve anything good" "other people have it worse then you" i just CANT do the homework, i find it really strange to write about positive ways I can treat myself...I feel all guilty...for thinking I should have good things....

sheesh'... you'd think this would be easy.

side note: I'm going to call the counseling department on campus,
idk why but, i feel like in class, some times, I just drift off, I can't focus,
I get LOST, lost in empty space, like you would think I would be thinking about something but, I'm not...I just have so much stuff I could possibly worry about and think about, that I just think about nothing. I don't like it though because then I can't focus in class.

therapy, we talked a lot about trauma with my old therapist, (whom I still see, the one who gave me homework a week or two ago) and like, lately I've been struggling with what we have talked about all year, its like all of a sudden, you think healing is over but, its not. I just keep reminding myself that I am worth more then violation, for some reason I keep fighting myself, telling myself...to STOP thinking thoughts that "All I'll ever be good for is violation." but, its really hard...but, I can't see my old T to talk about it yet,... shes just too far i feel...and she charges and idk its cheap but, i'm a college student and feel i can't just go whenever to see her, i have to go when i'm really struggling because I don't want to just throw money away. blurrrrrrr the end.

sounds like me Jazzy, I have homework from my T too that I can't do. I am supposed to journal about all of the things that I appreciate in life and -this is the hard one, everything that I appreciate about myself. Eek just the thought of doing that makes me want to puke! She gave it to me yesterday and I haven't started it yet...It's due on Tuesday. I am already trying to think of excuses as to why I wasn't able to get it done....

I have homework right now that's hard too, so I understand that! Feels like it should be easy, and yet it's not......but just try one word or one sentence and see what happens from there.

jazzy, I'm sorry everything's so confusing for you now. Do you do any yoga or meditation, even just slow breathing when things whirl around you and you feel overwhelmed? You sound like me, and I know the meditation/visualization/breathing my T is teaching me helps a lot!

I'm confused about your T/Ts. Are you talking about 1 or 2? I thought you have 1 old T, the one you talked about whom you still want to see even though you are at school now. Is there another one from the past you are referring to in this post?

I'm glad that you are looking into a new therapist. Maybe low self worth is why you don't feel that you deserve good things?