[Suratji]

I'm at a place in therapy in which I may have to finally talk about the most shameful part of my past. I have kept thinking that it wouldn't be necessary - that I would be able to solve my other problems without having to 'come clean'.
My T knows there is something else that is too scary to talk about. I'm am so scared that our relationship will be altered and damaged once she knows the truth about me. I'm also scared that everything going forward in our talks will somehow reflect that awful place.
I feel like I need to do this but honestly I don't know where to get the courage. Just thinking about doing it is making my heart race and my stomach sick. Will I regret it if I finally expose myself?
I want to talk to T again in next session and ask her how to find the courage. Today she just said that I'll know when it's the right time. I responded by telling her that there will never be a right time.
One question I thought of for my T is what kind of issues has she encountered in her practice. Maybe if I learned that she had worked with clients in that area previously I would feel more confident in her ability to resist despising me.
Any ideas on how to do this?

[mixedup_emotions]

It is hard to self-disclose....especially the scary, shameful things....and I'm still not through all of what I need to in therapy, but I've found that when I disclose scary stuff - but less scary than the major scary - and see my T's reaction, that it brings me closer to trusting that he will be ok with whatever I tell him. He has not rejected me for any of the awful things I've shared so far and still shows me the caring for the person I am today - right now - in the present.

Hopefully, you can bring yourself to do it gradually. I have also found that doing it in writing is easier for me than saying the words out loud.

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

It is hard to self-disclose....especially the scary, shameful things....and I'm still not through all of what I need to in therapy, but I've found that when I disclose scary stuff - but less scary than the major scary - and see my T's reaction, that it brings me closer to trusting that he will be ok with whatever I tell him. He has not rejected me for any of the awful things I've shared so far and still shows me the caring for the person I am today - right now - in the present.

Hopefully, you can bring yourself to do it gradually. I have also found that doing it in writing is easier for me than saying the words out loud.

MUE - I do a lot of writing but this issue is so deeply emotional that I know I have to talk about it. I trust my T. I do. I guess what I fear reflected in her face when I talk about that shameful place is my own self disgust and I don't know how one can really be ready for that.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Hopefully, you can bring yourself to do it gradually. I have also found that doing it in writing is easier for me than saying the words out loud.

Ditto - I've found that writing what I need to disclose is easier. For the really hard stuff, I've written it in my journal, then brought my journal with me to session. My T will not take my journal and read it...she asks me to read aloud what I've written. Sometimes, I just sit and stare at the pages, trying to find the courage to read it. Sometimes, I start to read then tell her I'm not ready to share it yet and ask if we can come back to it later. Sometimes, I read some of what I've written, but not all. Then, sometimes, I just tell myself "just do it! You know you want to" and I just start reading.

After the first disclosure, when my T didn't react in any negative way, I felt just a little bit more safe, and a little more trust. Each time I reveal something and she doesn't react negatively, it helps just a little bit more. It's still hard, every time, though. After a disclosure, I often ask my T what she's thinking...I need to know because she doesn't really reveal any emotions on her face. She usually tells me that she's sad for me or that she hurts for me, and that's what I need to hear.

For me, talking about talking about it helps a LOT. I might say "I need to tell you something, but I'm scared"...and we talk about the fear, about how hard therapy can be, about what it feels like to be so exposed. Sometimes, it makes me feel safe enough to tell a little bit...and when that goes okay, and T still accepts me, and sits there being his calm, consistent self, I might be able to say a little more.

Sometimes T will ask me if I can tell him the easiest part about the hard thing. And I will try to figure out what that is...maybe where I was, or how old I was or something. Just telling a little helps.

And often, if I just can't say the words I write them down. I'll write them on a pad of paper or a little white board, and T will either sit next to me and read along, or I'll hand it to him across the room. We've literally done entire sessions writing back and forth to each other.

I'm learning that I just have to find a way to get it OUT. It might be a slow, slow, slow process, just telling a tiny tiny bit at a time, but eventually the story is out, and there is some relief in that...not at first, but later, when I can experience T accepting me and loving me in spite of whatever I told him.

(((((((((((suratji)))))))))))) Sometimes therapy is really, really hard.

Sometimes it helps not to look at your therapist. I have often thought about moving my chair to face the window. Looking out the window would be less frightening than looking my therapist in the face, or feeling her looking at me. I have often wished they had a screen that they could put up between the client and therapist. Only use this when the client needs to feel protected and wants to express something, but is too afraid to do it face to face.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

Sometimes it helps not to look at your therapist. I have often thought about moving my chair to face the window. Looking out the window would be less frightening than looking my therapist in the face, or feeling her looking at me. I have often wished they had a screen that they could put up between the client and therapist. Only use this when the client needs to feel protected and wants to express something, but is too afraid to do it face to face.

Oh, Squiggle, I can definitely vouch for this one....When I'm talking to T, I find that I'm rarely looking at him....But I still have trouble disclosing certain things even when I'm not looking at him. However, when I was sharing with T how I felt about his other clients - which was super, super hard for me - I had my eyes closed due to my intense migraine - and I realized then that it was SO much easier to say with my eyes closed. I may have to resort to that more often.

[elliemay]

It sounds as though you have a good trusting relationship with your therapist.

I know this may sound a bit radical, but I have come to trust the absolute power of the blurt. Just getting it out there. I'm a classic overthinker, plotter, and catastophizer (new word!).

Sometimes I have to just get out of my head and talk.

Unfortunately, there is no way you can predict what your therapist will do, say or think. That is not within your realm of control.

However, you can know that you are worthy of and entitled to her compassion, understanding and empathy no matter what lies beneath.

That is your right as a client, and well, basically as a human being.

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by elliemay

It sounds as though you have a good trusting relationship with your therapist.

I know this may sound a bit radical, but I have come to trust the absolute power of the blurt. Just getting it out there. I'm a classic overthinker, plotter, and catastophizer (new word!).

Sometimes I have to just get out of my head and talk.

Unfortunately, there is no way you can predict what your therapist will do, say or think. That is not within your realm of control.

However, you can know that you are worthy of and entitled to her compassion, understanding and empathy no matter what lies beneath.

That is your right as a client, and well, basically as a human being.

Elliemay - I suspect the blurt may be in my future also. I am so on the verge of sharing with T but so far I can't. I plan - next month; maybe the month after that; maybe if I ask her enough questions; maybe I can avoid it altogether; maybe it's not necessary; maybe I'll just quit; maybe I shouldn't; maybe maybe maybe. So, I guess I'm an overthinker too. Actually, my T did tell me that already. I want everything to be in order but she's trying to teach me that sometimes we must travel through chaos to get to order (safety).

[rainbow8]

I've had trouble telling my T some things too. Once, with my first T, I spent a whole session wanting to tell her one sentence. I tore a styrofoam cup into tiny pieces before I told her. She reacted calmly and compassionately. When my current T and I do IFS or EMDR she usually has me close my eyes. I agree with MUE that it works best for me when I have to say difficult things to my T. With my eyes closed I of course don't see her looking at me. It's so much easier to talk. Maybe you could try closing your eyes? When I have to tell my T something I'm embarrassed about, I ask her a few times (I tend to repeat myself when I'm anxious) if it's okay to tell her anything, and if anything is TMI, and if she's sure? She has always reassured me that it's all right to tell her anything, and that she is not going to judge me, no matter what I say. I also agree with the "just blurt it out" method, though that doesn't always work. I wanted to tell my T one sentence. This seems to happen a lot with me in therapy! I kept starting it but stopped each time. I kept telling her "I'm going to say it" but I couldn't for a while. Then I did. Afterwards I had to email her and ask if it was okay to tell her. She said "absolutely" or one of her other favorite positive words that she uses with me. Good luck to you. I'm sure your T will accept whatever you have to say.

[SpiritRunner]

I'm a little different than some as far as the eye-contact thing; I feel more vulnerable with my eyes shut. I find if I look at my T, and see that she is simply calmly and compassionately waiting, with a quiet, caring look in her eyes, I find that somehow that can often make a feeling of safe, emotional intimacy that helps me share. One thing I do often when talking of hard things, though I do look her in the eye, is that I clutch the pillow on the chair hard to myself....somehow that keeps me grounded, I don't know exactly why.
Sometimes, I journal and put it in there.....'I need to talk about this, but it's hard.' I sometimes use my writing as a means of safer-feeling disclosure of painful, intense emotions, dealing with them poetically/intellectually.....but I know my T wants me too to stop so carefully planning my words or how I will disclose something and just learn to say what is in my heart/mind, simply speak the feeling as it is rather than wrap it in careful words before presenting it to her.
I wish you much courage and grace, Suratji.....it will be OK, and your T will be OK with what you say, too.

[inbloom]

Originally Posted by Suratji

MUE - I guess what I fear reflected in her face when I talk about that shameful place is my own self disgust and I don't know how one can really be ready for that.

(((Suratji)))))....this is exactly it!!! I am going through something similar now. There is just this one thing that I cannot seem to get out...yet it bothers me constantly, so I know that I need too. I had told T I would write it and send an email, but I couldn't even do that......so, I guess that I am not much help! I just wanted you to know that I definitely get it.

[Suratji]

Thanks everyone for your comments, tips and encouragement. I will let you know if I ever find the courage, how I did it and how it worked out. Will it be this week or next year? I have no idea.