totally thrown. need advice

I think I mentioned I have some major, major triggering events going on last week and this week.

Last week, T was awesome. We had a 2-hr session and she also emailed me 2x/day to help me through the week. Just a sentence or two to let me know she was thinking about me and to give me some positive thoughts. It really helped. I felt her care.

Tomorrow is the really BIG BIG thing I have to do re: seeing my abuser. And I went today for my session with T and checked in at reception and the receptionist said "that will be xxx dollars" which is TWICE what I paid last week for my 2-hr session.

I told her I thought she had made a mistake. T and I had agreed to a reduced rate so that I can afford longer sessions (she doesn't take insurance). Otherwise, I just need to stick to 1-hr.

So, the receptionist said I could ask T about it and pay at the end. So I walked in and asked T if she would clarify the arrangement. And she said xxx (1/2 the amount the receptionist said). And I said "per session?" and she said "oh no. per hour."

So, in fact the rate is double what I was thinking/planning for. And I respect that this is her rate, even on a slight discount, but it's just cost prohibitive for me.

I'm a consultant, so the I really get the money thing. I respect that. But I feel like she should have been clearer. And I told her that. She apologized and said she could lower it a little more, but even that amount is too much for my budget. Plus, I just would feel more uncomfortable. The first discounted rate is a rate she offers "many" of her clients, she said. The lowest rate she said she only does in very rare circumstances and when she really feels like the client is working hard on his/her end.

But the rest of the session, it was bothering me. It felt like all the good feelings of genuine care and connection from last week just went POOF! Gone.

I asked T if I could leave early and she encouraged me to stay and talk about it and to talk about the thing that's happening tomorrow, and so I stayed and we talked more about it.

It helped a little, but I just felt completely shut down and untrusting of everything she was saying. So I did leave early.

I think I know the core issue here--being deserving of someone's care and believing it is true and genuine.

But at the moment, that doesn't really matter. I feel like this is unfixable. Or, at the very least, it feels like we took about 10 HUGE steps backward at a time when I really, really really REALLY need some genuine care.

What would you do? T wants me to email her my thoughts, and I just don't even know what to say that would help.

Sorry to hear there was a misunderstanding about the new fee. Money issues are so stressful. Remember though, this has nothing to do with how much your t cares for you. Don't confuse the two. I know. Easier to say than to do.

Figure out what you can afford and schedule for that amount of therapy each month. Otherwise you'll need to find more affordable therapy. I'm sure the prospect is daunting. So sorry this has become a problem for you. I hate money issues.

This is a rupture when you least need it.
And this is also a) one of the unfortunate things about therapy, its a relationship that involves money, and b) that there wasnt a sufficiently clear communication in the first place. Also what she said was an unclear boundary about 'sometimes she reduces the fee when someone is really working' etc. This is a set up for judgement, she is playing fast and loose with this. There shoule be a rate setthat has nothing to do with the content of what goes on in the therapy hour.
So, its not surprising that this is getting in the way of the actual therapy relationship.
I hope you find whatever you need to get you through this time. And when the time is right, you'll find a way to convey what you need to convey, to her or to anyone else.

I am sorry that you had to go through that, Bad timing. I hope you guys are able to work through this and patch things up quckly!

Thanks for the comments. I feel like my feelings here are valid.

RiverX, I should clarify: she doesn't decide her rate based on how hard the client works. She has a sliding scale for everyone, but she said that she is MORE inclined to reduce the rate further for a client who can't pay full price IF they are working hard and meeting her halfway. She still has a definite scale though and a bottom line on that scale.

But yes, I agree that her comment about working hard did trigger some feelings of unworthiness for me and it does cloud things a bit.

Griffin, I am going through the exact same thing right now. My last insurance covered session was yesterday. I am in the process of applying for an insurance that pretty much has an unlimited number of visits, but it's hard to get. Until then, I have to pay out of pocket. I want to continue my twice-a-week but I just can't afford that without insurance.

I hate money issues...I feel like the only thing that makes a conversation go completely uncomfortable or in a different direction, is money. Until that moment, I can be totally "in it" and working hard..but the second we have to talk about money and insurance, I switch gears and go into a different place.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this when you need your T so much right now. UGH talk about bad timing...money always has a way of ruining things. AND, I don't feel like your T was clear enough about the issue, it should have been laid out completely in the beginning. I really hope you guys can discuss and process it together so it doesn't drive a wedge between your relationship.

Lots of hugs to you

The more I think about it, it's really not about the money. Yes, money is an issue, but it's one I can overcome with some budgeting and discussing options with my H.

It's about trust and feeling deserving, and somehow the fact that I unknowingly got two hours last week for the price of one and I felt so connected and cared for last week and this week I don't.

Griffin.... uggggs! Wow. Yep. I can see how you would be confused if last week was one way and then this was something else. That is not good at all. :-(

(((griff))) sorry you're upset. You are deserving and cared for...the $$ doesn't change that.

(((((((((griffin))))))))))

I think that money can bring up so many issues in therapy.

When T reduced his rate for me, and told me he was the first client he had done it for, I felt grateful, but also undeserving, and a bunch of other things...worried I was taking advantage of T somehow, worried that he would get angry at me because I was "taking" too much. On and on. Luckily, it turned out that I have unlimited insurance visits, so we ended up not needing the reduced fee after all...but just that little bit of discussion and the feelings around it were WAY bigger than I expected.

It's not easy, but I try to keep the business aspect of the relationship and the "caring" aspect sort of separate in my mind. I DO pay T. And he DOES care about me. I am absolutely 100% positive about that. Your T clearly cares for you...e-mailing you twice a day after your hard session was so kind. It makes sense that you would feel super cared for and connected after that.

When I have something really hard going on - either bad parts of my story in therapy, or really hard and scary things in real life - it seems like my focus OFTEN turns to the therapy relationship and all of the "faults" I can find in it. I don't know if it's because I feel unsafe in general and therapy ends up getting kind of swept up in all of those unsafe feelings, or if it's because it's so scary to have my feelings about what's REALLY happening, that I need to find a way to distract myself with problems with T. I think it's almost always the latter. I wonder if you have some of that going on, with such a scary thing happening in your life right now??

(((((((((((((griffin)))))))))))))) I will be thinking of you tomorrow. I hope you can find a place of safety and peace inside to get through what you need to get through.

well, I emailed T and told her that I think the issue is not about money, but about crappy timing and my feeling unworthy and undeserving. I told her how hard it was for this to happen this week, and that I just don't know what I want to do going forward.

She replied "I'm totally good with whatever you decide." And then she went on to point out how she thinks this miscommunication is good because we're learning to communicate and resolve conflict, which will help build trust.

I think she missed the point completely.

I really want to reply and tell her I don't think she's hearing me, but I just can't go deeper into this mess right now. I have bigger issues and I need to get through tomorrow.

I hate this.

Ugh. It definitely sounds like she wasn't hearing you. T not hearing me, and not understanding what I'm saying, is the NUMBER ONE worst thing for me in therapy. Worst than all of the feelings, all of the stories, all of the other stuff that comes along with therapy. Talk about crappy timing.

In the end, all of my disconnects with T really DID turn into opportunities to grow, and really did bring us closer together. But while it's happening, that doesn't feel like it matters at all. It just hurts, and feels too hard and too confusing and too lonely.

I wonder if just for today, you can set this aside, and focus on the caring and connection you felt last week? It's hard for me to remember when I am in a disconnect with T that he DOES care and that really, we are two connected people in a moment of not understanding each other. In the past, love was followed so swiftly by hate, and happiness was followed so swiftly by conflict, and it really WAS black and white. Because I wasn't actually loved, and the happiness wasn't real. Those feelings were fleeting, and always turned out to be wrong.

With T, I'm learning that even in the midst of misunderstanding, there is this steady foundation of love and caring that doesn't change. Even when he says something stupid or just totally misses the mark, it's not because he feelings about me have changed or weren't ever real in the first place. It's a moment of yuck that doesn't change the underlying connection and safety.

Thinking of you today, (((((((((griffin)))))))))).

I am really sorry this happened to you. I would probably feel the same way also. I told a therapist one I was paying for her to care about me. She told me the caring is free. You are just paying for my time. It kind of put things in perspective for me. Not that I still wonder if the relationship is real, but it helped at the time. I hope it might help you also.

Yes, and its interesting too, how when you re-phrase it as you did above, it does sound a bit more reasonable.
However, I still think you're right, that something like leaves the relationship completely open to all sorts of stuff. The clear, pre-decided scale sounds a better recipe for sanity at least to start with a sane and predictable basis, and to allow you to be whoever you (or anyone) is going to be in the therapy..

Sorry about the money topic, I don't think t's get a lot of training talking about it (in grad school or whatever) but it does end up influencing the therapy A LOT. Money is such a difficult topic, sorry to hear she did such a switch around.