[Sweetlove]

*I started a thread about the money/insurance/stopping therapy issue, but I wanted to start a new thread about my session because it involves some SI talk and wanted to be clear about the trigger.

Just got home from T...I don't know if I've ever felt like this. I haven't even processed the whole thing yet but I wanted to write it out on here to help me. It was definatly interesting. I wanted to address the things he said last week that upset me...so I told him those things and we talked about how I perceived them. He didn't appologize, which was ok because I realized it wasn't what he said that upset me, it was how it made me feel. But there was some very good insight and converstion.

Then, I started in the money/insurance/stopping therapy issue. I told him about the conversation with my mom, how I felt...pretty much exactly what I posted on here. He wanted to know exactly what she told me to do, which was to continue therapy because she wants me to move forward not backward. He thinks this is very important because she is offering it and she wants to do it, and somewhere along the lines I was either told or got the impression that I can't accept things offered to me because people don't really mean it. He said he would be perfectly fine if I said I wanted to stop for a while because I have gained some tools and wanted to explore things on my own for a bit. He is not ok with me stopping because I keep saying "I can't" accept her offer...like I feel like it just isn't right that I do this for myself.

This is where it gets fuzzy. He told me that I have this scary, dangerous place that I go to when I don't know how to be. When I feel like I'm not feeling/acting/dealing like I should, I go to a place of self-critizing. He said that something happened to make me feel this way and he wants to spend more time on that.

Well, that's pretty much all I remember because I put my head down when he said that something happened, and my heart started pounding fast, my hands got numb and I wanted to cry. I don't know why I was feeling like that, his statement didn't make me think of anything in particular, but something happened inside that made me think "Oh my God, that means something". I couldn't look up, I was trying so hard to hide. He said "what's going on with you?" and I told him I didn't know..I was getting so shaky and antsy.

He said some other things but I can't remember...stuff about my mom, how I feel about taking stuff from her, how I feel about other people and what they think of me. The whole time my head was down and I was panicking. A few minutes went by and he said "Look at me"..and I got so scared for some reason, I couldn't! A couple minutes later he said "I don't know if you won't look up because you're afraid you will see something, or because you're afraid I will see something." So, I took a few seconds to calm myself down and I looked up, then looked at him. He was giving me this really sweet, comforting smile. I looked down right away and he said "You're doing good, sweetheart"

I knew it was getting close to the end, so I was trying hard to pull myself together so I could leave, he asked me what I was going to do and I told him I would come back next week. I got up so fast and left..I needed to breathe.

I went right into the bathroom and was still shaking badly, and I could hear myself telling me to calm down but I couldn't. All I wanted to do was hurt myself...I felt this shear panic that needed to be stopped. I rummed through my purse to find something to hurt myself with and the only thing I could make sense of was my keys, so I took a key and scratched myself as hard as I could. I was in so much shock and disbelief...it all happened so fast. I sat curled up in a ball in the bathroom stall for a few minutes then worked up the strength to leave.

I don't even know what the hell happened today. I don't know what I felt in there, but it was something! I had some sort of revelation when T was talking to me and I'm going to figure out what it is.

Conclusion: I'm staying in therapy. And I don't give a rat's ***** who pays for it.

[SpiritRunner]

I am SO proud of you for that conclusion.....you have the right to what you need, and the right to accept an offer of help made in sincerity! That sounds like a powerful session, yes.....

[darkrunner]

Sweetlove,

Thanks for sharing your session. It sounds like you had a panic reaction, and it sounds scary.
I'm sorry you felt like you had to hurt yourself.

I'm glad you are going to stay in therapy.
Your T sounds really nice and sweet.

Be gentle with yourself for a while, ok? You deserve gentleness, not SI.

Sweetlove

I love your conclusion! That is awsome!
I am really sorry you had such a hard session though. I know it feels like hell and as my T says, feelings won't harm you but it feels like they will.
Keep doing what you're doing! Your T sounds great. If you ever need to talk, please PM me.
I hear the sadness, fear and confusion you feel.

[WePow]

It is very important to keep fighting for your health.
You DESERVE to have mental health.

[Sweetlove]

Thank you Poetgirl, Darkrunner, Calista, and Wepow!

My T is great...I find more reasons every session to love and respect him even more. I'm very lucky.

Darkrunner...yes, after thinking about it more I think I had some sort of a panic attack. I've had anxiety attacks before, but not in front of T. I am going to be gentle to myself for awhile...I need some self-soothing!

[Sweetlove]

I just remembered something else that I thought people would appreciate...

We were talking about my issue with me getting mad at him...which I don't but he wants me to. I told him how I choose to be there, he doesn't have to help me..he's doing it because I'm asking him..therefore, I don't think I have a right to get angry at him (a bit messed up, I know). He said that if a friend said something that upset me, why wouldn't I approach them about it or allow myself to get angry.

I told him that our relationship is not a friendship..I said "I'm paying you to care about me, to give a sh** about me, for your insight and feedback"

He said "Let's get this straight...you pay for the time. What I do with that time is up to me and I CHOOSE to give a sh** about you, and feel whatever I feel because I want to".

I think someone (sorry I can't remember who) posted on here a while ago that they said something like that to their T, and their T responded somewhat in the same way. Just wanted to share that, because I think we all need to remember that!

My T has been there for me for more years than I want to admit. Even when I get an attitude with him and think I'm just paying to be heard, it really isn't so. I'm glad you can see that too. You are very worthy of all the help and support you can get. I'm so glad you have a wonderful T!

[PTSDlovemycats]

I am sorry that you ended up hurting yourself with your keys but I am very happy with your decision to continue therapy! You have chosen wisely!

[Sweetlove]

Originally Posted by Calista+12

Even when I get an attitude with him and think I'm just paying to be heard, it really isn't so.

Yes, that is my big problem...when I get in "my moods" I think it's so stupid to be paying money that should be spent on more practical things, rather than on my brain that I should be able to fix on my own! But I have to stop and remember that these T's chose to enter that profession and (most of them) love what they do. I'm not paying for a one-way, one sided, acquaintance...I'm paying for an educated, healthy, two-way relationship that is perfectly ok.

Oh and I have gotten a little "attitude-y" at times, and he will say "are you mad at me?" and I will say "no, I'm just frustrated with myself" and then he will say "oh of course not" while rolling his eyes I think I need to start getting more pissed off, then he'll be happy!

[WePow]

T wants us to be genuine with them. They need to see our pain. That is the only way they can offer true help. If we go into session with a mask or lies, that is when we are blowing our own money. T gets paid either way.

Strive to be brutally honest in session. Your T can take it. Trust the education your T has, and the experience, and allow that trust to be what anchors you. It is not easy to do this, but that is how you will get the most bang for your therapy buck.

When you start to do therapy this way, you will not feel so guilty about spending the money because you will know it is a very wise investment. And you will know you are getting the most out of it.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by WePow

T wants us to be genuine with them. They need to see our pain. That is the only way they can offer true help. If we go into session with a mask or lies, that is when we are blowing our own money. T gets paid either way.

Strive to be brutally honest in session. Your T can take it. Trust the education your T has, and the experience, and allow that trust to be what anchors you. It is not easy to do this, but that is how you will get the most bang for your therapy buck.

When you start to do therapy this way, you will not feel so guilty about spending the money because you will know it is a very wise investment. And you will know you are getting the most out of it.

WePow, I love this, thanks for reminding me, too, that I need to be much more open in showing T the deepest of the deep pain, and just be raw and genuine and trusting.

[Sweetlove]

Originally Posted by WePow

T wants us to be genuine with them. They need to see our pain. That is the only way they can offer true help. If we go into session with a mask or lies, that is when we are blowing our own money. T gets paid either way.

Strive to be brutally honest in session. Your T can take it. Trust the education your T has, and the experience, and allow that trust to be what anchors you. It is not easy to do this, but that is how you will get the most bang for your therapy buck.

When you start to do therapy this way, you will not feel so guilty about spending the money because you will know it is a very wise investment. And you will know you are getting the most out of it.

Thanks Wepow..you are very right. And I do know this, but T calls it my "webble-wobble tendency"...as I start to let go and open up, I get scared and jump back.

As time goes on, I'm getting more and more raw and honest...sometimes it's hard but I'm finding that it's the way I WANT to be acting now...no more wall or mask. He soooooooooo is my anchor right now...and I think I might tell him that next week..thanks Wepow