[DelusionsDaily]

Hey all... just need to get this out of my system.
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I hate the emotional turmoil Im in!
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I hate that I feel like I NEED T now...never felt that way in over a year of seeing her.
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I hate that I feel like I NEED an extra session again this week. after needing one last week.
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I hate that my mind has been in a very dark place this weekend.
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I hate that Pdoc is pushing for me to get off midnights.
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I hate that I cant seem to cut my feelings off before they start anymore.
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I HATE ME FOR EVER DECIDING THIS WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA!!!!!!!
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I would say Im sorry but Im not no need to respond...Im a waste of my time dont waste yours too.

[Omers]

Our culture pushes SO much for independence which is really just an illusion. We are dependent on eachother, no one is an island unto themselves.
We need each other, it's just reality.
There have been weeks where I have had to have a session with T, Pdoc or massage T every day of the week just to make it through.

[karebear1]

((((Melisssa)))) I'm sorry you are feeling so frustrated and unhappy. But, I want you to know that you are NOT a waste of my time. I have really appreciated your posts and thoughts the past few weeks, and I wouldn't have grown at all had it not been for those posts. I do understand where you are coming from with your feelings, really, I do. But please, please don't ever think you are a waste of anyone's time.

[DelusionsDaily]

thanks karebear. Im glad someone is growing from this because all i know right now is I feel like one big jumbled up mess of craziness. I finally opened up to my mom about the dark dark place I have been in all weekend. She said she prays daily for my wholeness and of course I had to smash it down with Im losing hope thats even possible. God how terrible am I? Cant even accept my moms support. Anyway she also encouraged me to call T either tonight or first thing when I get off work in the morning...and see about getting in soon than this thursday. Ugh...needy Needy NEedy NEEdy NEEDy NEEDY...I HATE IT!!! Ok ok enough.

[karebear1]

Just know that you are not alone in how you are feeling. It is a really scarey, lonely feeling to lose hope..... to feel a void that nothing can fill, to feel nothingness. Is there really any wonder you hate what's happening right now? You are FEELING. You probably haven't done that in a long while. Your mom gave you some wise advise. It's good she's there for you. Listen to her. Call your T, if you need to talk to her tonight- do it. She will not mind. Otherwise, please call her in the morning and talk to her then or set up another appointment to see her. You needing someone, something, is good........ even though it doesn't feel that way. Believe it or not (I can't believe I'm gonna say this) it means there IS hope.

Do you think you'll be ok tonight?

[DelusionsDaily]

thanks again karebear. You are right I havent felt feelings in a really long time. I will be ok tonight I am at work. I will call her when I get off later this morning. I just wish I wasnt in SOOOOO much pain right now. I promised myself when I decided to start T over a year ago that I wouldnt do anything to myself no matter how much pain I was in until I got to talk to T. So thats what I did despite how hard it was to keep myself safe in soooo much pain but I did and will continue to until I get to talk to T later this morning. thanks for your care and concern I greatly appreciate it.

[elliemay]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.

There was definitely a time in my therapy when most of the defenses were stripped, but I had very little if any mechanisms to cope with what all was coming up.

I felt like I was "inside out" - everything hurt and I couldn't close the door to the feelings anymore.

I promise this will pass and you will develop healthier coping mechansims, but try to tell your therapist how you feel.

About the midnites. Have you considered Rozerem? It's a FDA approved medication with a very very similar mechanism of action of midnites. It mimics the action of melatonin, but perhaps is more consistent than an over the counter substance. I mean exactly what is European Melatonin? Do people in Europe have different melatonin that Americans?

The other ingredients you can get from teas. I drink some love Chamomile prior to bed each night.

Again, this phase will pass, and you will be able to find comfort and hope outside of the therapist's office. This is a transition, and a good one I think.

Peace to you.

[WikidPissah]

grrrr ..... I hate it too!

I hope things feel a little better for you soon.

[SpiritRunner]

I understand the feelings......and hope it's better for you soon, too.

[DelusionsDaily]

Hey all thanks for the support. Still in a pretty dark place...although did get a hold of T and will have an extra appt tomorrow...dont know yet what time. I think I need to bring up my resenting being so needy towards her. I dont know I got alot I want to talk about tomorrow. Still feel really shaky but glad Im doing it despite the pain.

[karebear1]

Good for you. It takes a lot of courage and faith to do this.

[DelusionsDaily]

that is no joke karebear. anyone who thinks therapy is for whimps is dead wrong. they need to try going in and feeling completely exposed and vulnerable with their deepest issues...makes me shiver just sayin that and im doing it.