[rainbow8]

I hesitantly talked about the part that repeats the pattern of "falling in love" with people and how she became one of those persons. She suggested finger painting while we were talking. So, the best position was us both sitting on the floor. We never did that before and I liked it! It was a little messy but I liked swirling the colors around and got a little distracted from talking. But then I did start to talk and afterward she told me how calm I seemed to be. I said it's because my hands were busy and I like the feel of the paints. My foot fell asleep, though! Minor detail.

I was able to talk about physical/sexual feelings for her but told her that I knew they weren't really for her. She understood me. I said I didn't want her to be afraid of me and she said she wasn't. I was actually looking into her eyes and talking while my hands were finger painting. I needed to be able to look at her, and told her that. So, she told me that it makes sense to get my needs met somewhere else if I'm not getting them met at home. She wanted to know if my H and I connected the way she and I do in therapy. Of course the answer was no. That's a major problem.

She said we were connected and I said I'll be disappointed because there wasn't the same intensity as last week, and I wanted that but didn't want it. That I think it's a borderline thing. I have to learn to live with the middle ground.

That's where it stands now. My T understands me and I can tell her anything. The frustrating thing is that I don't know what to do now. I went home and tried to tell my H what I need. He's clueless about my needs though I don't know how he could be. He says I only want people who are unavailable. That's only partially true. My T says there's safety in that. I'm not quite sure that's it. I want my H to be more like those people; they're more exciting.

I guess it was a good session. I felt calm eventually, though it took a while until I stopped feeling anxious. I do feel disappointed but I wouldn't want the intensity of the last session all of the time. No one has that in real life. It's hard for me to let go of it, though.

Rereading this I see that it isn't written so well. I don't have energy to redo it. It's been a long day!

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I hesitantly talked about the part that repeats the pattern of "falling in love" with people and how she became one of those persons. She suggested finger painting while we were talking. So, the best position was us both sitting on the floor. We never did that before and I liked it! It was a little messy but I liked swirling the colors around and got a little distracted from talking. But then I did start to talk and afterward she told me how calm I seemed to be. I said it's because my hands were busy and I like the feel of the paints. My foot fell asleep, though! Minor detail.

I was able to talk about physical/sexual feelings for her but told her that I knew they weren't really for her. She understood me. I said I didn't want her to be afraid of me and she said she wasn't. I was actually looking into her eyes and talking while my hands were finger painting. I needed to be able to look at her, and told her that. So, she told me that it makes sense to get my needs met somewhere else if I'm not getting them met at home. She wanted to know if my H and I connected the way she and I do in therapy. Of course the answer was no. That's a major problem.

She said we were connected and I said I'll be disappointed because there wasn't the same intensity as last week, and I wanted that but didn't want it. That I think it's a borderline thing. I have to learn to live with the middle ground.

That's where it stands now. My T understands me and I can tell her anything. The frustrating thing is that I don't know what to do now. I went home and tried to tell my H what I need. He's clueless about my needs though I don't know how he could be. He says I only want people who are unavailable. That's only partially true. My T says there's safety in that. I'm not quite sure that's it. I want my H to be more like those people; they're more exciting.

I guess it was a good session. I felt calm eventually, though it took a while until I stopped feeling anxious. I do feel disappointed but I wouldn't want the intensity of the last session all of the time. No one has that in real life. It's hard for me to let go of it, though.

Rereading this I see that it isn't written so well. I don't have energy to redo it. It's been a long day!

Rainbow - I think it's very well written. You explained your situation very well. How brave of you to be able to be honest with your T. I admire your courage.

I can relate about wanting 'connection'. I think we all do and with our T we receive it. And that's powerful. Have you ever done marriage counseling? I wonder if that would help.

Anyway, thanks for sharing.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I hesitantly talked about the part that repeats the pattern of "falling in love" with people and how she became one of those persons. She suggested finger painting while we were talking. So, the best position was us both sitting on the floor. We never did that before and I liked it! It was a little messy but I liked swirling the colors around and got a little distracted from talking. But then I did start to talk and afterward she told me how calm I seemed to be. I said it's because my hands were busy and I like the feel of the paints. My foot fell asleep, though! Minor detail.

I was able to talk about physical/sexual feelings for her but told her that I knew they weren't really for her. She understood me. I said I didn't want her to be afraid of me and she said she wasn't. I was actually looking into her eyes and talking while my hands were finger painting. I needed to be able to look at her, and told her that. So, she told me that it makes sense to get my needs met somewhere else if I'm not getting them met at home. She wanted to know if my H and I connected the way she and I do in therapy. Of course the answer was no. That's a major problem.

She said we were connected and I said I'll be disappointed because there wasn't the same intensity as last week, and I wanted that but didn't want it. That I think it's a borderline thing. I have to learn to live with the middle ground.

That's where it stands now. My T understands me and I can tell her anything. The frustrating thing is that I don't know what to do now. I went home and tried to tell my H what I need. He's clueless about my needs though I don't know how he could be. He says I only want people who are unavailable. That's only partially true. My T says there's safety in that. I'm not quite sure that's it. I want my H to be more like those people; they're more exciting.

I guess it was a good session. I felt calm eventually, though it took a while until I stopped feeling anxious. I do feel disappointed but I wouldn't want the intensity of the last session all of the time. No one has that in real life. It's hard for me to let go of it, though.

Rereading this I see that it isn't written so well. I don't have energy to redo it. It's been a long day!

i think you wrote it all just fine.i am so glad you got to do the finger painting.about husbands sometimes it takes work to have that kind of intensity .i swear it is a man thing.sometimes my husband is so thare for me and other times he is just clueless. i do have a friend who i feel i can share this kind of intensity we all sometimes look for.i can talk to her a lot better than others and even my husband but it has taken over 22 years to get to this point.and a lot of history between the two of us and i thank god every day for her.
has you T ever talked to you about how to meet people and make friends or do you have any friends that you can call and go out for a night on the town.i'm not talking about family or children but friends just for you?

[geez]

((((rainbow)))) I too feel the same way about my T and my husband. My husband is great in many ways but isn't always 'there' emotionally. It's not perfect but no marriage is. It is getting better but I wish I could have that same 'closeness' that I have with T with my husband.

I'm working on it.

[SpiritRunner]

Rainbow, you wrote that well. I understand about the connection and about the intensity....do I ever. If it is intense one week, it feels disappointing the next if it isn't (maybe it is a borderline thing!)

[WePow]

((((((((Rainbow)))))))))) Thank you for sharing! It can feel strange to be so connected to T in session, but not have that in the outside world. Very strange.

[rainbow8]

Thanks,

That's it! The connected feeling in therapy feels so good that nothing can compare. It sets me up to want it more in RL but therapy is BETTER. It doesn't seem fair!! Sometimes I feel that way with my friends, but not my H. I feel that way when I'm writing or drawing, or seeing beautiful scenery, and posting on PC. Is that enough? It's still so much better with my T even when it just feels NORMAL, like yesterday.

I want to have a tantrum about this!!!! It's not FAIR!! Why is it this way? Therapy is a tease, I think. But it's a real relationship, my T says. I need to discuss this again and again. I know a lot of you relate. What do we do about it? Maybe I need to discuss the other issues in therapy instead, which I'm in the middle of of--grieving for my Mom and the shame issues, but wanting to be "in love" and feel connected is almost more important. I'm frustrated with it all. Therapy is so slow, and I don't know what to do.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

He says I only want people who are unavailable. That's only partially true. My T says there's safety in that.

This is pretty insightful of your husband. I understand this issue well because I had it exactly!

I have always believed that we chose our spouses for certain reasons at the time. And I really believe that many people chose spouses who are distant because this distance is what was needed at the time of spouse choosing. Then the one person starts to work through this fear of intimacy thing and then isn't happy with the spouse that they chose. I believe it can be worked through, however.

I also think that we like the more intense interactions because they really do feed our starvation for connection, because usually, we feel safer keeping people back away from us but this is what leads to our starvation. Working through this is possible. Working to that happy medium where we are no longer are afraid to let people close, so then we get our connection needs met at an appropriate level. So no starving and then gorging..........

As always rainbow, I think that you are doing great work. You are doing great work being present in T and being open and then thinking through where you are at in your work.

[WePow]

I think therapy is supposed to teach us how to have healthy relationships. That takes a lot of work.

[rainbow8]

Wow, Sannah. You stated exactly the way it is for me, much better than I could! I crave what I don't get from my H. He's solid, safe, and boring to me. The fantasy people who were always not available because they were married, not interested in me, or because I was married, were more exciting. My Ts replaced the last person I did that with. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

With Ts, you are supposed to get close and be real and that makes the connection intense and exciting. I risk the closeness to Ts and get rewarded. But it doesn't seem to transfer to RL. I risk a little with my H but his response is quizzical. I tried yesterday and it's like "what are you talking about?" It's kind of funny and sad at the same time.

So, Sannah, how did you manage to get your connection needs met at an appropriate level? I really, really want to know the secret!!!!

granite, I do have friends but don't feel that same connection.
Insight: I feel it on PC more!!! Is that because people here are in that "unavailable" category? Like Ts? You can connect, but it's safe so it can be more intense!

suratji, my H hates therapy!!! However, we've gone to various workshops and lectures, even privately, where we've been given lots of exercises and advice. We do it there, but never followed through. It's hard. I know what we need to do--spend time together connecting, but my H is analytical, like most men, not romantic or into feelings at all.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

He's solid, safe, and boring to me.

The fantasy people who were always not available because they were married, not interested in me, or because I was married, were more exciting.

But maybe, what is going on here, is that in your fantasy you are manipulating people to your fancy. Having your relationships in your head all by yourself.

Maybe all that you need is some practice really interacting with people.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

it doesn't seem to transfer to RL. I risk a little with my H but his response is quizzical. I tried yesterday and it's like "what are you talking about?" It's kind of funny and sad at the same time.

I know what we need to do--spend time together connecting, but my H is analytical, like most men, not romantic or into feelings at all.

Like this ^, it sounds like you aren't really interacting with your husband. No wonder it seems boring.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

He's solid, safe, and boring to me.

I think this ^ sounds sexy! My husband is very solid and safe and I love it!! I don't think that it is boring at all.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

So, Sannah, how did you manage to get your connection needs met at an appropriate level?

I had to learn to be able to connect with people. I attempted it and then worked on understanding where my fears were coming from that were holding me back and then worked on that and then tried again and then repeated. I worked on my self worth, trust, boundaries, getting my needs met, living in the moment, getting rid of all of my stuffed feelings (by expressing them), etc. These were all the reasons why I couldn't connect with others and I had to work on all the reasons in order to be able to do it.