[MASIMO]

Can anyone relay their experience in working with their T to address
transference issues, when the transference was erotic toward the T.
My T doesn't want to drop me, and wants to work on this with me.
Starting today....I'm a wreck. How did he/she approach it?

[lastyearisblank]

I'm really very sorry to hear you're a wreck, Masimo. I think the best thing would be (as stressful as it is) rely on T to come up with a solution. This is technically his problem; transference is part of many therapies, but it should never feel so uncontainable to a patient. I hope you can take it slow. Take care of yourself!

[kitten16]

Erotic feelings, a crush on your therapist, erotic dreams, feeling like you're in love with your T-- these are all normal, and a good T will be willing to discuss it with you. It sounds like your T is ready to do this, and you're dreading it! Which I totally get! (Been there, done that)

I got a lot of support around this on the Romantic Feelings Toward My Therapist section of this site, BTW. What you may encounter over there is an ongoing discussion about whether or not to call the thing transference.

Some people feel the term is pseudo-scientific, imprecise. Others think it's too cold, that it minimizes your feelings.

I heard over and over again, "Transference is just a fancy word for being in love."

Maybe so!

If transference means that we project unfulfilled needs and longings onto another person, then transference is something that infuses most of our relationships in the "real" world. So it's something the mind just does apparently. No shame, no blame!

The therapeutic encounter is uniquely apt to create this transference stuff I think. Often a therapist is seeking to create exactly this response, on the assumption that it's a critical part of the work. So the therapist guards his or her identity, remains opaque, so that the transference can "take" more or less effortlessly. And then the two of you get to explore together what your feelings mean.

Of course, it's not a game or an academic exercise. That's why therapy is so potentially dangerous. It's painful to be obsessed with your therapist. It's a terrible thing to have your primary relationship be with a person who can't return your affection. The situation is fraught with emotional danger. What's being created, essentially, is a situation where you become a lover whose feelings are not requited. And it's supposed to be that way. And it hurts like hell.

At one point I got really angry with my T for not doing more to help me fall out of love with him. He kept saying, with a sort of exasperated sigh, "Relax, it's part of the process." But he wasn't going through it! He didn't feel my pain! I told him I felt like I was on a conveyor belt, like a cow on the track to slaughter. I said, "It's a humane form of slaughter, maybe, but it IS slaughter." That's how it feels!

So you're right to be wary.

My therapist didn't like the term transference, but I used it as a handy short-cut in session. It sounds scientific, so it takes some of the humiliation out of it when you refer to it. It was so embarassing to describe my erotic fantasies around my T, to him. But he thought it was important to do that.

Sorry this was so rambly. Good luck, and trust your T!

[LavalampTerry]

Kitten : Bullseye! I've been hanging around the "Romantic Feelings for Your Therapist" section for a little while now & have been part of that discussion. (Hi Masimo!) I've never read a better description of what's been going on with me. What therapy has triggered in me. And what needs to be done to hopefully reach some sort of resolution! I see my T tomorrow morning & I KNOW what I need to tell her : "I want to be with you - it breaks my heart to think of you with other men - and I feel like such a lousy husband to have such thoughts about another woman." Short & sweet - TOTALLY TRUE. Now, I'm not saying I will - I said I know I NEED to. Truth is, I'm afraid that if I do, she'll withhold her affection for me (we hug at the end of every session - wonderful!!) & she will re-establish her "professional boundaries" - or worse yet send me away / refer me to another T. That would feel like the ULTIMATE rejection!! We have sort of "skirted" the issue. Some time ago (maybe a year or so) I said to her "I wish we had met at a different time & place." Then 3 weeks ago I admitted to her that I was "in love" with her. And apologized for not being able to "make these feelings go away." She was actually quite wonderful about it all. But even then I knew I wasn't being totally honest with her. That would be the above statement - what I wish I could say to her.

Kitten, you did a GREAT job in laying out the "problem" - at least for me anyway. Now, about that solution...

Thoughts anyone???

Good luck tomorrow, Masimo!! I hear ya. The thought of doing that with my T terrifies me too!!!

Lavalamp

[Mike_J]

Well I’m not sure if I would say that I have transference issues (my therapist would disagree), I do have attachment/dependency/attraction issues though.

It’s difficult and embarrassing to talk about these things, but it’s so much worse if you don’t talk about them. Your therapist should be trained and experienced in dealing with these feelings in patients. Like all issues in therapy, talking about them with your therapist is the best way to resolve it.

[kitten16]

Ha ha, if only there were a solution as to what to do about transference! Bottle that one, kid, you'll be a millionaire!

I do think therapists have an awesome responsibility around this, and I'm not sure most are even aware of it. My own T thought it was "fun" to explore the ramifications of my feelings for him. So one of us enjoyed it.

It's tough - in real life, your feelings of insane attraction to someone else, the nutty overvaluation of that person in every respect, will dissipate over time. You finally see the person doing something stupid. They can't spell, they turn out to be racists dorks, they scream when there's a bee in the room, they recycle coffee grounds or cut off their callouses with a kitchen knife -- whatever! The halo clatters to the ground. In therapy, you never see your T in action. The T seems perfect, and you need them to be. The overvaluation takes longer to wear off.

Anyway, how to break the news? I had some tricks up my sleeve when I first brought up the subject. I knew my T enjoyed dream work, so I presented my fantasies more as waking dreams to him. We could then explore the possible symbolic meanings.

I tried not to use the word sexual in my descriptions of my own feelings (though that's what they were). I like the word erotic, so I used that -- it's less aggressive-sounding and potentially threatening, softer.

I told my T I was embarrassed. I said I needed his help if he wanted to continue to explore the subject of my feelings for him.

I also asked my T to bring it up next session, even if I didn't. My T always wanted me to guide the sessions, but I practically begged him to steer the sessions when we were talking about the transference thing. I really, really needed that.

That's all I can think of for now! Good luck tomorrow Masimo and Lavalamp!

[LavalampTerry]

Originally Posted by kitten16

Ha ha, if only there were a solution as to what to do about transference! Bottle that one, kid, you'll be a millionaire!

I do think therapists have an awesome responsibility around this, and I'm not sure most are even aware of it. My own T thought it was "fun" to explore the ramifications of my feelings for him. So one of us enjoyed it.

It's tough - in real life, your feelings of insane attraction to someone else, the nutty overvaluation of that person in every respect, will dissipate over time. You finally see the person doing something stupid. They can't spell, they turn out to be racists dorks, they scream when there's a bee in the room, they recycle coffee grounds or cut off their callouses with a kitchen knife -- whatever! The halo clatters to the ground. In therapy, you never see your T in action. The T seems perfect, and you need them to be. The overvaluation takes longer to wear off.

Anyway, how to break the news? I had some tricks up my sleeve when I first brought up the subject. I knew my T enjoyed dream work, so I presented my fantasies more as waking dreams to him. We could then explore the possible symbolic meanings.

I tried not to use the word sexual in my descriptions of my own feelings (though that's what they were). I like the word erotic, so I used that -- it's less aggressive-sounding and potentially threatening, softer.

I told my T I was embarrassed. I said I needed his help if he wanted to continue to explore the subject of my feelings for him.

I also asked my T to bring it up next session, even if I didn't. My T always wanted me to guide the sessions, but I practically begged him to steer the sessions when we were talking about the transference thing. I really, really needed that.

That's all I can think of for now! Good luck tomorrow Masimo and Lavalamp!

Good stuff Kitten. You're right. I only see my T on her "best behavior." And she only sees me @ mine. I'm one of those people (I HOPE there's more than one of us!) who dresses particularly nice on the day of our sessions - makes sure my hair is doing what I want it to do... I'm 57 years old, for God's sake, & I feel like I'm getting ready for a date...! Embarrassing. And when I see her in her office my first thought ALWAYS is, "Man, she looks GOOD!" Of course, it comes out as - in a flat tone - "You look nice..." I've never seen her first thing in the morning - and neither has she seen me... (And I have enough of a grasp of reality to know we never will!) Probably would be somewhat different, I'm guessing! Point is I have NO IDEA what she's like outside of her office - nor she me.

You mentioned that the "overvaluing" of the T "takes longer" in the therapeutic setting. Does that mean it does go away? I guess I'm giving myself an "out" by thinking that if I wait long enough, this whole transference thing will go away & she'll never have to know. No? Worth a shot...

I also like your idea about asking my T to guide me through this topic when/if it comes up. Mine, too, likes me to guide the sessions & - left to my own devises - I usually walk out of there having not gotten to the things I would have liked to explore. And I trust her to do a better job of helping me through this - and most other issues - than me. I mean, my way GOT me there. I would think my T would know the best way out.

Anyway, thanks, again, for your input! Very, very helpful. Gives me hope. I don't know if all this will come up tomorrow or not, but if it does, you've given me some good advise on how to proceed.

Lavalamp