[Chronic]

T has been on leave for the last 4 weeks so Ive had no contact with him at all. It has been really hard at times but I'm still here so I guess I coped with things to a point. There are large chunks of this time that I can't remember at all.

His practice was meant to let me know when he was back so that I could confrim an appointment for tomorrow. They didnt so I ended up contact them. Turns out T is here and he emailed me to let me know I was booked in his diary for tomorrow. As soon as I heard from T I totally flipped out. I became anxious, scared, panicky, and a whole host of other emotions that I can't figure out right now. But it wasnt/isnt good. I havent felt these things for a lot of the time he has been away. I dont know whether that is because he is the closest person to me and is the only "significant" person in my life so everything he says or does affects me more than anyone else.

I ended up emailing him saying that I didnt want to come to T tomorrow because I feel so much pain when I am around him or when I have any kind of contact with him, and I'm not sure I want to keep putting myself through it because it hurts so much. Even just writing the email triggered me. A lot of the pain I dont know what it is or what it is about. I havent heard back from him yet.

So now I am hurting just by being in contact with him. He hasnt said or done anything wrong. I do not get it at all. Is this normal? Is this what healing is all about? I'm worried T triggers me too much. Is that possible?

[WikidPissah]

Is it a connection? You said T was the only significant person in your life, and for the past 4 weeks you've been alone...maybe feeling connected is scary for you? I don't know, I only can tell you that when I get a T break I feel better and don't want to go back. It hurts to heal, that's just the way it is and it sux.

I am so sorry you are feeling this triggered. And I am going to say what everyone tells me (and I hate hearing it)....maybe you should talk to T about the way you feel triggered.

[Omers]

I didn't get to see massage T this week due to finances. It was the first week in months that I haven't been bed ridden the 2 days before our session. She is as gentle and loving as it gets.
I have also had T's that were a bad fit that hurt me very badly and I kept going.

So... Spend some time trying to be really honest with yourself. Sometimes the new safe feelings can be scarier than the familiar scared feeling so we run back to scared.

Just be honest and fair with yourself.

[ECHOES]

Chronic, when my T is away, I am fine. When she returns, I am not so fine. I think that I am used to holding up when I need to, and then when she returns (returns!! ), my feelings about her being away make their way to the surface.

Do you think this might be happening with you?

[Sweetlove]

This is exactly how I feel when my T goes on vacation and I start to close off and think I don't need therapy anymore. When he comes back I get anxious about jumping back into the connection and relationship that might hurt me.

I hope your T replies to your email soon!

[Chronic]

Thanks guys! I agree that it could be to do with feeling connected again because before T I just dealt with everything on my own and even tho thats hard, its what I know.

I think Im also scared about seeing T again and NOT being connected and him being someone different and having to build the relationship again. That somehow he will have forgotton me or what I need and that rules have changed.

I know I need to talk to T about this but part of me doesnt want to back and have feel this pain all the time.

[Can't Stop Crying]

Another thought is that maybe you're not being triggered by T, but rather by what you are dealing with in therapy. That has happened to me a few times and I actually quit, until I realized the problem wasn't with T - it was the issues I was avoiding.
Just another perspective
Hang in there - okay

[lastyearisblank]

I hope you can hang in there Chronic, it does sound VERY intense to cope with, but if it helps I don't think we are built to tolerate such ambiguous, intense feelings in our relationships for long periods. For me I have found that if I can sit it out, it settles down. (I get tired of feeling so upset!)