Tolerating discomfort

I had my second session with my new T. We talked about anxiety. At first she asked my goal and I said to be free of anxiety and she said well that isn't going to happen. (I know but I can dream). Then she went on to say she wanted me to tolerate the discomfort of the anxiety more. I kinda argued and then dropped it. That was Monday and today the feelings of anger really hit me.

I tolerate a lot of discomfort. I have anxiety all the time. I am out in the community nearly every day doing something, appts, shopping, kids activities etc...I have tried meds and not one of them has helped with the anxiety, except xanax, which I rarely take and only enough to take the edge off. I know they say to sit with the anxiety and the activity will be easier next time, but that just doesn't work with me. next time the anxiety is still right there it never changes.

I also have PTSD and I tolerate all the demons that go with that. I am tired and worn out. Which is why I started therapy in the first place. Is it too much to expect to feel some comfort in my own skin?

Do I even bother going back? I read on here about all the great T's and I wonder why is it so hard to find one?

Maggy

I do not know much about anxiety but it seems odd that a T would tell you that you cannot be free of it.
Here is a website that offers info and treatment options:

http://www.freedomfromfear.org/

I wonder if she meant this as a goal to work on/work toward, so you can feel more comfortable? Something she can help you with so that when anxiety strikes, as it inevitable will, you can feel better with it because you have learned to tolerate it.

I'd definitely ask her to clarify. For example, my T and I often work on a similar goal. To me, the difference is that before, I was "getting through" the anxiety and PTSD symptoms--purely white-knuckling it and enduring it. Now it's more like, "Oh, hey--there's that pesky panic and flashback again. Sheesh, I'm tired of it! Oh well, I'm still okay. It's not going to disrupt my day or my mood." I'm uncomfortable, but I have a different relationship to the pain and fear.

I wonder if a good place to start is by discussing your defintion of 'tolterate' and hers. They may not be the same?

My T advocates for this as well. Tolerating the discomfort. What I've taken from that is to allow yourself to feel the anxiety and try to understand what your body is trying to tell you. Most times, when I have anxiety, it leads to a panic attack or an increase in anxiety - and it's because I'm trying to distract myself or run away from the anxiety. T wants me to try to sit with the anxiety - to tolerate the discomfort - to give it a chance to communicate....basically, allowing the body to communicate with my brain, to tell me what's going on, what's being stirred up.

My session with T today was about this very thing. I was anxious when I walked in his office....and we talked and talked....but I was still feeling the anxiety. Then, at one point, it overwhelmed me, and I was having trouble breathing and started welling up with tears. T became quiet and told me to try to see what my body is trying to tell me....But I didn't know.

So frustrating. Sometimes, we are able to get to the root of it...and by working through it, that particular anxiety would lessen or go away...or at least I would understand it more when it happened again. Not today, though. I don't know what the deal is today.

Anyway, hope this helps....

ouch! (((((( maggyjo ))))))

I can think of a hundred different things the T might have said instead of that, which strikes me as dismissive and trivializing. Criminently, as me old mother used to say.

I hope the two of you can get closer; or if you decide you need to, that you find another therapist who can figure out how to be encouraging.

Sorry that this was a painful statement for you, it was painful for me when I first heard it as well....and also for my daughter. The thing is, anxiety is supposed to be a part of us. We should feel anxious in dangerous situations, driving home in the pouring rain at 2am, walking thru a dark parking lot alone, going thru the worst section of town with your small child in the car, picking your kid up from a fall and seeing blood...all normal and real excuses to feel anxiety. So it should always be there...to that limit.

You and I, we have this excessive anxiety that jumps on us even when we are safe. Tolerating it is learning to slow down that freaked out feeling and remembering you are safe. Way easier said than done. I don't think your T means to "white knuckle", I think she means learning ways you can get thru the anxiety without it taking over.

There is a theory in treating anxiety disorders that exposure therapy provides long-term results. Essentially it has you experience the anxious feelings, rate them on a scale of 1-10 and as you continually expose yourself to anxiety producing situations, the feelings lessen. My guess is that is what she is referring to. Therapists who follow that method of treatment want you to realize the anxiety is just that, anxiety and that the worst case scenarios running through our heads rarely happen.

I'm with you though, not every therapy method is right for every person. Different people respond to different treatment methods. Your T does sound rather blunt - I personally don't respond well to that, I need compassion and understanding.

I think it's a good idea to ask for clarification of what she means by tolerate. Another thought is maybe she is just not the right T for you. I went through 5 T's before I found my current one. I'm not saying bail on therapy, just check with yourself to see if it is possible to find a connection with her.

Good Luck...therapy is tough as it is without having to deal with the other things on top of it.

I agree with mixedup, you can't only sit with the anxiety; you have to "listen" to it, to try to understand it. What other thoughts come up when you are (trying to) listen to what is happening when you are anxious? Let it tell you something...

I got rid of my anxiety. Maybe your T doesn't see too many people doing it so he is basing his beliefs on what he has seen?

These are the things that I worked on to get rid of my anxiety:

1) self worth - this caused my anxiety because I was always trying to hide my low self worth or protect it. Talk about not being able to relax!

2) poor personal boundaries - how can you relax when you can't even protect yourself? Once I learned how to protect myself I could relax.

3) stuffed old feelings - this really causes anxiety. Trying to keep a lid on all of this will keep you jumping.

4) meeting my needs - if I can take care of myself in all situations I can relax!

5) learned social skills

6) learned empowerment - if I have power I can relax.

7) learned to live in the present - we avoid living in the present because we want to escape our feelings. This leaves mostly living in the future. Boy does this cause anxiety! Learning how to live in the present begins with unloading all of those stuffed old feelings and learning how to express your feelings as they occur today. This way living in the present isn't so uncomfortable anymore. It sort of works with self worth too because not feeling good about who you are also makes living in the present painful.

8) Doing relaxation exercises and now I don't even need to do them anymore. I can now relax on command.

9) Understanding how you developed anxiety. I feel that we develop anxiety because we grew up feeling insecure and not safe. I also believe that you need to be genetically vulnerable to develop anxiety. If you can understand what in your upbringing caused it, I think that this understanding helps.

10) Work out your triggers. You can work on all of the above but still get triggered and feel instantly anxious. When I would get triggered I would tell myself right then that these feelings are coming from the past and then I would focus on the current situation and tell myself that I am fine right now and I don't have any need to feel anxiety. I would command myself to relax (after I gained this skill from doing relaxation exercises). After doing this several times a trigger would be extinguished. If you have trauma work to do you have to work it from that end too by talking about your traumas in session and releasing all the emotions.

11) integrate your personality - the inner child (children) needs to finishing developing, get beyond what is making her stuck. When your whole personality is whole and all grown up, this is very comforting, and helps you carry yourself with confidence and security.

My new goal is to tone down my reactions. My husband tells me that I react so quickly and strongly to things (I guess it makes him nervous!). For example if my child comes to me with a cut I'll respond "OMG". (I never worked on this because it never bothered me, it bothers others and I finally now understand what my husband is talking about - I guess because I'm ready.)

Other then this I feel really good and it is so nice to be rid of all of that anxiety.

Wow that would annoy me too. I used to suffer from a lot of anxiety symptoms and can tell you for a fact that they can come and go, no matter whether you're tolerating them or not! A couple of years ago, I was really afraid of public transport, stepping on cracks on the sidewalk, and very self conscious. All of these symptoms have kind of dwindled away by themselves for some reason, but if someone told me to deal with them, I would have found it quite condescending.

To be honest, maybe it is not that she is a bad person. Some people have never heard of sticking out anxiety, and I know that for people who want to quit addictions, it's sometimes a concept that people talk about-- tolerating the feelings without acting on them. So maybe she has a background where that's something she stresses in therapy. But I think you should listen to yourself if you don't think it's a good approach. One time a couple years ago I tried out this lady therapist who told me to reduce anxiety through exercise (and wanted to give me a book about it), and she wasn't wrong exactly... but it just didn't feel right. I think a therapist needs to work with your values.