My sister is back in the hospital again. It is just constant back and forth to the hospital anymore for her. She is extremely thin and frail. I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that she probably isn't going to make it. My t and I were talking about it today and I started crying. Started, but stopped myself pretty quickly. T told me that I don't have to be strong about this. Go ahead and cry. But it felt like I'd absolutely dissolve into nothingness if I let myself let go.

Grief is a hard thing. Watching my sister fade away like this puts everything else into perspective. Everything else seems pretty trivial when you are watching your sister slowly die.

T was wonderful and just sat with me. We talked about my sister, his father, last moments with loved ones. I felt very close to him today (even though I pretty much always do feel close to him). He didn't try to fix things. We just sat. Special man.

[SpiritRunner]

glad you have a T like that who understands when to just sit with you. I'm sorry about what you are going through with your sister.

My best sessions with my old T were like that. Just sitting with grief together. Not being alone with it, for once. It's painful, but beautiful.

I'm sorry about your sister.

Thank you. Yes, it was very peaceful and intimate to just sit there with someone who was just allowing me to be.

My sister has put up a long fight this time. She's had cancer 4 times. This time resulted in a bone marrow transplant. The transplant went well, but her body is spent.

[Sweetlove]

So sorry you are going through this with your sister. I know how hard it is to watch a loved one suffer...my dad died three years ago and it was the worst thing I've been through. It sucks...plain and simple.

I'm glad your T is so kind and gentle. That connection will help you immensely right now. Hoping things get easier for you very soon

[Hope4joy]

"Grief is so hard". Man... isn't that the case. I have lost a few very close to me and there is just no blue print to deal with it. We're not trained to see those among us fighting for life. It can be surreal and I am glad you have a T who can help you through.

Some pain just can't be named. I learned that the hard way. Do the best you can - you seem so level headed and in the moment. What a gift.

I wish you and your sister great peace. I'll be thinking of both of you.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( HUGS ))))

I'm glad you were able to share that moment with T. My heart is breaking for you, with what you're going through. It's so hard.

[elliemay]

Even though they are well intended, sometimes the things that people say during times like this just make things worse.

I think people are just afraid of grief and minimize it.

I know that the session with your therapist was a blessing.

I hope you can carry it with you for a long time.

Originally Posted by elliemay

Even though they are well intended, sometimes the things that people say during times like this just make things worse.

I think people are just afraid of grief and minimize it.

I know that the session with your therapist was a blessing.

I hope you can carry it with you for a long time.

Me too. He is really good at just allowing me to be, you know what I mean? Sometimes people are too frantic to "fix" me, but t has never been that way. He's always my rock.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Me too. He is really good at just allowing me to be, you know what I mean? Sometimes people are too frantic to "fix" me, but t has never been that way. He's always my rock.

Yes, people get frantic. That is a great word for it, and you end up soothing them. "It's okay....blah blah blah".

I personally really like the idea of sitting shiva. I'm very much of the "stiff upper lip Christian" ilk, but the idea of setting time and space aside to grieve and nothing else seems like a good idea to me.

The bereaved has no responsibility for others at all. If someone comes to visit, they aren't even obliged to greet them, if I understand the observance correctly. They cover the mirrors in the house so they don't even have to worry what they look like and don't even have to shower (or the observance has rules about that or something).

It just seems like the way to go for me.

Peace.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Yes, it was very peaceful and intimate to just sit there with someone who was just allowing me to be.

Very good...... I'm sorry that this is happening to your sister.

[peaches100]

Farmergirl,

I am so sorry to hear that your sister is losing ground. I can just imagine how hard it must be to watch that happen. I'll bet it brings her great peace to have you by her side though. I really admire you for being there for her, even though it's difficult for you to witness her pain. So many people draw away from loved ones during a time like this, rather than staying close, because they can't deal with their own emotions about losing a loved one. You're sticking with her, despite your own pain. That's a real blessing for your sister. I hope you can find the support and comfort you need also during this difficult time.

I struggle with not being able to do a d*mn thing to help her. I struggle with guilt over grieving for her when she isn't even gone yet. But as t says, it's important to be honest with myself right now about her. Her loss will be devastating in the end.

When my father called to tell me she was back in the hospital, I thought he was calling to tell me she had died.

I've lost a lot of people in my life, but never someone as close as my sister. The idea terrifies me. I feel completely helpless.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

I struggle with not being able to do a d*mn thing to help her. I struggle with guilt over grieving for her when she isn't even gone yet. But as t says, it's important to be honest with myself right now about her. Her loss will be devastating in the end.

When my father called to tell me she was back in the hospital, I thought he was calling to tell me she had died.

I've lost a lot of people in my life, but never someone as close as my sister. The idea terrifies me. I feel completely helpless.

[WePow]

Chris, I just wanted to say that I really LIKE you.

You have a heart of solid gold.
You have a brilliant mind.

Just wanted to tell you that because it is what I thought when I was reading your posts.

Thanks Wepow. I appreciate that.

((((((((((((farmergirl)))))))))))

i'm so sorry to hear about your sister. she sounds like quite a fighter though. it is very difficult to just sit with grief and wonderful that your T did that with you. i find it so wearying when people insist on trying to fix what can't be fixed. bless you chris.

[WikidPissah]

so very sorry

The end appears to be imminent. Kathy is in the ICU with pneumonia on a ventilator. Her one kidney is failing and she has a clot in her leg. They say the next 48 hours are critical.

The family is gathering by her bedside in Houston. I've decided to wait here until the end. I can't stop crying.

Just last week she had fallen at the hospital and her head landed between a concrete pillar and a concrete trashcan. The facial trauma was extensive. She is completely black and blue, eyes swollen shut, stitches. She had lightheartedly sent a picture of herself to me so I could see what she looked like. (Her husband wouldn't let her post the picture on her CaringBridge website). It is awful. I guess I started the crying that day.

I can't see her that way. That's probably selfish, but I need to remember her the way she was, not beaten to a pulp and on a ventilator.

I see my t tomorrow morning. It's going to be a cry-fest. That's all I seem to do.

[SpiritRunner]

I am so sorry. Just cry all you need, it's OK to cry as much as you need. I'm thinking of you.

[Kacey2]

(((((((((((((Farmergirl))))))))))))) I am so very sorry that you are having to go through this. I can not imagine. I hope you can lean into t and get comfort and support tomorrow. Pleae continue to lean on us at PC as well. We care for you.

(((((((((((Chris))))))))))))))

Just this morning, I thought about you and your sister and wondered how she was doing. I am so, so, so sorry to hear your news.

I will be thinking about you and praying for you and your family.

Many many to you.

[rainbow8]

Chris, I am so very, very sorry to hear your bad news about your sister. I'm glad you will have your T tomorrow to sit with you in your grief.

[Suratji]

Thoughts are with you. - knowing that losing someone is the hardest thing each of us will experience in life.

[Sweetlove]

I am so sorry...relieved you see your T tomorrow though. Even if you sit and sob, it will be with someone who can help you work through the pain. When my dad was dying, there were times I had no idea what I was feeling...I literally had no label for it. I needed someone to help me identify and understand the grief.

I'll be thinking of you over the next few days...sending you hugs