discussed computer issue in therapy

At my session yesterday, T’s laptop was sitting next to him again. It didn't have its back to me this time but was at an angle, so it wasn't as bad as before. I decided to raise the computer issue just as many people here had suggested in my recent thread: http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=177514

I told him having the laptop there bothered me. He was very interested. He said it is there to recharge and wasn't sure that would work if he moved it to his desk. I learned he has switched to doing his scheduling on his computer, so that is why he’s keeping it close by. I told him how it raised those old feelings from the marriage of being ignored--my XH would watch the computer preferentially while I was trying to talk to him. He clarified that I felt this way even though there was just a screensaver on the screen and he was not looking at it? I said yes, and apologized for that ("I know you're not my H", which of course he waved off). I told him it just made me feel that same way and also brought back the yucky memory of the adult content on the screen. He said he would move it. I stopped him and said, it would be fine if it just were closed. So he closed it and looked to me to see if it was OK. It was. He thanked me very sincerely for telling him all of this.

We came back to this issue later when I asked T about ways to deal with triggers (like the laptop). He said the old way (and laughed because he said it's only 10 years ago or so) is to keep coming back to the same issue again and going over it multiple times, exploring it, recalling the feelings, etc. (Kind of like exposure therapy, perhaps?) He said the more recent way is to use a technique like EMDR (or some others he also uses) to really focus on the problem and free it up quickly, and be done with it in 1-2 sessions. He said this is especially good for something one is really stuck on. He said we could do EMDR on this if I wanted (we’ve done EMDR in the past). I said well those are two ways, but the way we dealt with it today is neither of those. Instead, we took the trigger away, essentially being avoidant. (In general, I don't feel avoiding one's triggers helps one move forward.) T repeated that we could work on this if I wanted to. I didn't want to. Why? Because I felt like the marriage was behind me, and I didn't want to be working on things from the marriage. I should be over it. T said that was very logical and left-brained of me, but he wanted me to respect my entire brain, and realize that those neurobiochemical pathways were laid down, reinforced many times, and just don't disappear because I want to be over the marriage. They may persist for a long time. He said whether we choose to work on this or not may be a question of magnitude. How disturbing is this trigger for me? How "stuck" am I on this? How incapacitating is this for me? Is it a barrier to my healing? If this is not something I consider "important", then we can spend time on those things I consider more important, and let these smaller things be. Or we can deal with them by doing things like closing the laptop. The smaller things can always be returned to later if I want. This discussion, while kind of clinical (and left-brained!), helped me put things in perspective. I felt myself beginning to turn more willingly toward those bigger dragons I have yet to slay. I think T is a genius for helping me start turning.

The session felt really good. This surprised me, as I had thought it might not be that great since it was a short session, but we accomplished some good stuff! Last session was not so connected and close, but this time was. I told T how I wanted to get into some deeper material from my past that we had not worked on before, but I was reluctant because of how hard it was to schedule appointments with him—there is a 3-4 week lag since he is so booked up. He said we would just make several appointments at a time. So my next appointment is in a month, but the two after that are at shorter intervals. So he was very accommodating! And he is looking forward to working on this "new" issue. Whenever I'm ready, he said. (Are Ts infinitely patient? I've touched lightly on this issue before, and he never pressures me to return to it.)

When I was gathering myself to go, he asked if we could have a hug? I love that. (We didn't hug last time--we don't every time.) So we shared a very nice hug. When we hug, I am ALWAYS surprised (and pleased) by how tall he is.

Sunrise, - thanks for sharing. It was a very nice telling of the nice relationship with your T and the whole thing with neurobiochemical pathways. I find the study of how the brain works quite fascinating. I tend to be quite analytical and it helps in understanding sometimes. It's great that your T (and mine) accommodate both sides of our brains.

(((((((((((Sunny)))))))))))

I'm glad you let yourself bring up the computer issue, and that T was so open and helpful. You two work so well together.

So nice that he moved it for you. And the hugs sounds nice too.

sounds like a fabulous session!

that's awesome sunrise...

This is so awesome! You talked about what you needed to talk about and you were not punished for being honest :-) Awesomeness!!!

Thank you, everyone.

My reluctance to talk about the laptop was not based on worry about being punished. At least I don't think it was! That is an interesting perspective. I think I was more concerned with the irrational worry that sharing with T this idea of equating my H with him might subtly harm our relationship. And there were the "I should be past all this marriage stuff" thoughts too. Perhaps part of that, besides the self recrimination (and embarrassment I am not as far along as I think I "should" be), is some worry that T might think less of me for admitting this?

What you said about punishment, though, WePow, reminds me of a different interaction in our session. I was feeling kind of irritable when I arrived at the session--I've been really stressed out lately and was just not in a good mood. I told T that because of feeling that way I had not wanted to come. He was amused and said most people think it is OK to not be in a good mood when they visit their therapist! So he said it was OK to be that way, and that he still holds in mind the sunny who is not that way, so not to worry.

I was reassured by this and we proceeded. That interaction makes me wonder if I was worried that he would "punish" me for being in a pissy mood. I don't know. If that's true, it annoys me, because it is another dynamic from my marriage. I don't want to be bringing dynamics from a bad marriage into my relationship with T. I hated how my marriage was and what I had become in it. I don't want to be that way with other people. I was never sure why my H was often angry or dissatisfied with me. I tried to be "acceptable" and "unobjectionable" to him (not in a bad mood?), but still he just always seemed angry and withdrawn. I never figured out how to behave to have him like me. I don't want to worry that way about other people. I am at heart a good person and want to be confident of that and not worry that people are judging me or punishing me or whatever. It's just super annoying that I bring bad habits from the marriage forward into my life now.

What a great session!

I don't see you as having taken the trigger away, avoiding it; I feel you dealt with it! You were direct and confronted the other person's behavior that was making you uneasy (same as you would have needed to do if you were "angry") and together you found a way to solve the problem. It's not like everybody's computer in every situation is a trigger to you, just this situation was and you two, together, dealt with the situation. I don't think he'll have it open/near as he did before? So, that has literally taken away the problem that needed solving.

You can't "solve" the old/bad feeling your husband's behavior gave you, that was a true/real feeling that actually happened. There was nothing wrong with you for feeling as you did, you do not want to have felt differently! But, in the present, when you see an open computer, at a certain angle, with someone you care about nearby, you are probably going to remember this session and feel good, more than you are going to think about and respond to how you felt with your husband and his computer use? I think of it as being a little like grief; you feel a certain way when someone close to you dies but, over time and with additional experiences of living you are less sad. I think your problems with seeing open computers near males you care about will lessen over time because of this session.

Way to go ((((((((( sunrise ))))))))) And now moving on to deeper stuff aswell!

I saw T today for the first time since our computer discussion. He had his laptop open on the couch next to him when we sat down. He closed the lid before we started talking. Yay! It made me feel good that he remembered. It made me feel good to see him deliberately close it. Click.

Gosh that's a long time! I'm glad you got to see him today

I like so much that he remembered and closed the laptop before your session began.

That would've made me feel really good as well Sunny! Sometimes it's just the "little things" like remembering to close the computer screen that can make a huge difference in our relationships. Sure helps us to feel like we were heard, are important and that we mean enough to that person for them to remember to do that. You are one lucky duck!

Sunrise, good for you for bringing it up to him so clearly. I am glad the session felt good to you and that he listened, and you even got a good hug at the end (I am a huge fan of hugs also.) And hurray that he closed his laptop at your next session, so clearly you were heard and understood. Great job!

Yesterday at therapy, he had the laptop next to him again on the couch, open. I told myself I could handle it and it went OK for the first 2/3 of the session, then I asked him to close it. I apologized for that but told him I just feel this background stress if it is sitting there next to him like that. He said even if there is nothing on the screen? I said yes. So he closed it and thanked me for telling him. When he has the laptop pointed at him, how can I tell there is nothing on the screen? I don't want to have to ask him what is on his screen. That would introduce this bad feeling for me--like I don't trust him and have to check on him and what he is looking at. Yuck. During the session, there was one time when he looked at the laptop (before I asked him to close it), hit a few keys, and commented that his email had not worked all day. Thank God for small favors. So if his email was working, would he then have read emails in the middle of our session? That's why I don't want the effing laptop open, so he isn't distracted and can just do therapy with me. For the most part, though, the session was very good. So I didn't let this wreck things, but just wish he didn't do this.

sunny that would make me feel awful for him to have the laptop open, even without the history of any computer issues as you have. And to have him hit a few keys and make a comment about his email would have really made me angry. I would have felt like maybe I was intruding on his computer time. I don't know how you kept your composure.

Geez, has he gone from computer illiterate to one of those people who is connected all the time?! It is surely rude to do that socially and way over the top to do it in a professional setting. He can only do one thing at a time, and having the laptop open is like saying he is willing to be interrupted. I just wouldn't like it at all.

I think you need to talk to him again about how you feel about this, so he gets it.

I wonder if the therapist's office seminar will cover topics such as laptops, iphones, etc...

what would it be like if you didnt wait until 2/3 of the session went by before asking him to close it? like when you come in and see it there, just ask if he can put it away for the session?

Maybe you could bring your laptop in a leave it open! But seriously, it seems very insensitive of him, especially when he starts typing on it.

it is YOUR session... your time with him. I agree that it should just be a standing rule if that is what you need. You may turn it into a joke when you first enter... something lighthearted like "Please return your seats to the upright position as we prepare for take-off and turn off all electronic devices."

[quote=sunrise;1832733]Yesterday at therapy, he had the laptop next to him again on the couch, open. /quote]

stand your ground girl, that's the way!

You have a right to YOUR session, email can wait.

I did that three sessions ago (somewhere a long ways upstream in this thread), and it worked out very well. Then two sessions ago I didn't have to ask--when we sat down he immediately closed it. I loved that he remembered to do that. Then this last session he forgot and left it open and I thought well I will try to make it through the session, I can get past this, but at some point I decided it really was bothering me enough to ask, so I did. I guess I am trying different things to see what works and how each feels. I would really like it if he remembered each time and I didn't have to ask him anew. Having to ask him each time feels bad to me, like I am correcting his behavior or something, as if he is my child. I don't want to be in that sort of position with my T. He is not my child! He is an adult and should be responsible for his own behavior.

I also think that it is really not good practice to have your laptop sitting open next to you when you are a therapist. To me, this goes beyond me and my specific hang-up about my ex-husband. I think it is wonderful when a T can give his/her full attention to the client. I think it sends a "feel-good" message to the client: "you are important, I care what you say, I am listening to you, you matter." Those are good things for a client to hear, IMO. I guess I would like to tell T this, but it seems none of my business how he runs his practice--to speak beyond my personal experience. I have told him how I feel about the laptop but I've seen that he does the same thing with other clients. I saw that when I walked in his office and he had the laptop open beside him after doing a couples session. So he must think this is just a weird quirk of sunrise's and doesn't generalize to other clients. I think he's kind of dense on this, myself. Or maybe I am just too sensitive to this.

I hope he remembers next time without my having to ask. The first time, I actually asked him to move his laptop to his desk, away from where we were sitting, and you would have thought I had asked him to turn off the heat and the light in the room or something. I saw very clearly he did not want to do this and I was asking too much. So I then asked if he could just close it but leave it in place next to him, and he agreed.

I guess I kept my composure because I wasn't angry. I often kind of watch things flow by and try them out for size as they happen. I can watch the scene at a bit of a distance, like: "hmmm T is trying to check his email on the laptop, I wish he weren't so distracted, I feel something about this--interesting--I'm going to keep going with the session and maybe I'll know more about how this is affecting me as time passes." And then after a while enough time had passed for me to know that I really didn't want that laptop open--it was creating a background bump in the session for me, and this feeling of wanting to be more comfortable in the session with him overcame my reluctance to act like his mother, and then I asked him to shut the computer.

No, he is definitely not computer illiterate, and yes, he does like to be connected all the time. I've seen this need grow in him over the last few years.

Well, I will surely be an expert if this is covered!

I'm very much the same way Sunrise. Let things unfold before I react. That being said, I'm finding it hard not to be miffed at your therapist whether he is checking a computer or iphone or whatever. This is YOUR time and he owes you his undivided attention.

Perhaps it is his way of trying to incite anger so you express it. I hope there is a strategy to this because I find his behavior really unacceptable.

Sunrise,
I would be so angry if my T did this. I think it is totally unprofessional. I don't think it is okay for a T to check messages, emails, etc during session. His attention should be completely on you. It is your time and you are paying for it. Please keep pressing it. As with any behavior, it may take time to shape it so he remembers each time.

I don't like your T's behavior either, but maybe he is just addicted to the computer! That's not good, but it happens to the best of us!
However, he should be able to control his behavior when he is with a client. He's always sounded like the perfect T, but no one is perfect, so maybe this is his one fault. Or, maybe he's waiting for a particular email from someone? Or has it been going on too long for that?

If it were me, I'd tell him how much it bothers me until he gives me a satisfactory answer. It's not professional behavior. Why can't he check his email between clients? I'm sorry you have to deal with this, sunny. It's hard enough for you because you don't see him so often. I hope you can work it out.