discussed computer issue in therapy

Yes, that is how I am. I'm very "measured." I like that you understand. I also like that your name contains the words "hope" and "joy."

I would actually be upset if I found out my T was playing games with me like that. He has never been devious in therapy and tried to incite me or pretend one thing while having an ulterior motive to get some reaction he desires from me. He is a very straightforward guy. Very genuine. I truly believe he is checking his emails simply because he wants to, not to get an angry reaction out of me. I'm not saying that excuses the behavior, but just that I am assured he is not using subterfuge.

We'll see, googley. I don't want to shape his behavior. I don't want to be his mom. I think I've mentioned it to him enough for now.

I think this is close to what's going on. I think he is addicted to being electronically connected.

I am not interested in delving into my T's motivations for doing this and getting answers that "satisfy" me. What I want is for the behavior to stop. I don't need answers at all. He has told me why he keeps the laptop next to him, but I don't think it is at all relevant to my concern. It doesn't matter to me why he wants it there.

It will be interesting to see what happens next time. I really like my T a lot and think he is a really good therapist. I hate to think of him in his office with client after client with that laptop sitting open next to him. It doesn't mesh with my idea of him as a good therapist. I'm having some difficulty with that.

I'm really glad you're about to see this as being about T's behaviour rather than your issues with your ex. I totally agree that it is about basic etiquette.

I hope he remembers next time!

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...oh... I guess this ^^ is what gave me the impression that his having the laptop open (especially when he knows because you told him that this is an issue you have, and because he remembered and closed it last session) made you feel some anger about it....?

Yes, but those thoughts didn't occur in session, but when I was at home writing that. I know some people come to their emotions instantaneously when something happens, but in general I am not one of those people. I think I have improved at that since beginning therapy, though. This only illustrates I have additional work to do. My general feelings after the session was that it was a good session and I gained a lot from it. My overall feelings were positive. This is just one small part of the session so it could be I have made it have more importance than it really does by posting about it here. (There's a strange interplay between the reality of a session and what comes out in posts. ) In any case, ECHOES, I think it's great you know immediately if you are angry! I admire that and am reminded it is an area I still need to work on. You said you would have had a hard time keeping your composure in session if that had happened to you. What does that mean (how would it look for you to not be composed if angry)?

It's really interesting the discussion comes here to this, as I had a very interesting discussion with T about anger in my session. We went back to a discussion we had about anger in our first few months of therapy. So I still have questions about it, and he was very patient with me in answering and I did learn some new things about that discussion we had ages ago that I had not "gotten" back then.

Yes. Although I do think it is about both, as I am hypersensitive due to that kindling by my earlier experiences with my XH. But there is here and now in it too. (That's why it's good for me to keep in mind that not everything is transference--reacting to my T as if he is my XH. Focusing on that too much can allow me to miss other pieces that may be just as important, i.e. my T's behavior is subpar and I deserve better.) I think posting about this issue here and getting your responses has helped me come to giving the here and now more attention. One thought I had was that if I let T sit there with his laptop open, perhaps I would get over the hypersensitivity component of it (like exposure therapy)? And be left with the here and now. Somehow I have not wanted to do that...

Thank you. Me too!

Rarely do I allow myself to show my anger anywhere, especially in session. That's one reason why my session 2 weeks ago had me pulling back, because I was pulling myself back right along with the anger. But there was once instance a couple of years ago where her cell phone rang and she answered it, and that really set me off and probably for similar reasons - I suddenly felt inconsequential, as if I wasn't even there. A few sessions later, I forgot to turn my cell phone off and .. it rang... and she asked so calmly and nicely "Do you want to get that?". lol Touche!

Sunny, I may be way off, but it seems like I've noticed before that when you do bring up anger, it seems that you very quickly minimize it or downplay it in some way. Like you have to take it back for something happens.

I respect your choice not to say anything directly to him.

I agree there is a balance between asserting what you want, on one hand, and feeling the indignity of having to ask too many times on the other.

Maybe you could ask to check your email on his computer and then gently close the cover of the laptop when you're done.

ECHOES, I think for me it's even more extreme. It's not that I downplayed it in session or deliberately didn't allow myself to be angry, but I just didn't know I might be angry. And I'm not trying to downplay it now when I say it was a small part of what went on in the session--just trying to honestly put it in context.

A nice tale.

Thanks, lastyearisblank. I have tried the direct approach and can't say it was successful, at least in a lasting way. We'll see what happens next time.

[quote=lastyearisblank]I agree there is a balance between asserting what you want, on one hand, and feeling the indignity of having to ask too many times on the other. [/qutoe]For me there's also this element of not wanting to be his mother. I want him to act like an adult and not have to be reminded about what is appropriate behavior.

LOL. At one session, for some reason, we were talking about our doctors. And he really got into wanting to know whether he had condition X or Y, based on a question I asked him. He decided at that moment that he was going to call his doctor on his cell phone and ask him. Now I had no interest in his having this conversation during my session or leaving a voicemail for his doc, so I told him I was going to the restroom--I had been looking for a lull to do that--and I got up and left the office and left him to make his phone call. The message I wanted to send was this is your business, I'm not interested, don't take up my session time with it, do it while I'm not with you. When I returned the cell phone was nowhere to be seen. I felt good about that. Then we resumed therapy without a hitch.