[granite1]

gee sh i see most people have dreams and fantasy's about how it would be to hug their T or be held by T or something of this nature.no not me i dream of just being able to talk to T I'm sitting here writing in my journal what i fantasize this would be like what i would say what she would say,etc.....I'M A FREAK.nothing to respond to i just wanted to get this off my chest .

((((((((granite)))))))))

You are doing SUCH a good job of learning to talk to T. It's okay if the stories come out slowly, or later, there is no rush. Trust yourself. You are doing just what you need to do.

[SpiritRunner]

Sorry, going to respond! You are not a freak, your dream is valid and important and good and there are others who have dreams like that too. You aren't alone in finding it hard to talk to T - I know I can say all sorts of words about things in general, but words about specific abuse I find hard hard hard to say and it is so halting for me to say them because it hurts to say them. It's hard to talk about painful things, and it has been a coping skill that helped you. It will just take some time, but you will be able to talk to T, I know you will because I believe you really do want to, I believe you want to heal and that you will!

[ECHOES]

You are not a freak Why are you judging what you want? What you want is what you want. It's an important part of you and it matters because you matter.

I too dream about being able to talk easily to T and to just be very spontaneous in therapy. To be more courageous and explore everything and anything and not judge myself and not have so much fear.

When I would focus on one smaller thing and don't think I have to bring everything to therapy all at once, I would do better and it helped get things going. Not so overwhelming.

[karebear1]

(((((granite))))) You're not a freak! I think you're a wonderfully sensitive and intuitive person. I love that you can write it all down in your journal. At least you are being honest with yourself. Having dreams and focusing on them (like wrting them in your journal) can help to make them come to pass. Maybe someday , sooner than you think, you will be able to do what you dream of. How would that be?

[WePow]

(((((Granite))))) You are on your own sacred path and you have your own journey. Remember, my therapy in my 20's started out with silence in T. I was forced to go by the college. I could NOT talk about the stuff. Just you showing up IS a part of your journey right now. And it is very healing because you are not giving up.

One day you will find your voice. And when you do, watch out T! :-)

[ErinBear]

Dear Granite,

I used to be in a very similar position as you are, and I'd really struggle to say much of anything at all when I saw my counselor. It was extremely frustrating and upsetting, and I was really mad at myself and at times, upset with him as well. Thankfully for me, he was very patient with me and we found various ways to work through that hard time - often through writing, even during the middle of the session. But there came a time when I started to be brave and talk, with a lot of encouragement from him. It was very hard, yes, but for me it was also very healthy, and as time went on I was able to talk more and more. I never imagined that would be possible. I am guessing that it will ultimately be possible for you, too, because even though it is a very hard thing, I have a hunch you do want it, and when the time is right, I imagine you'll gradually start talking more. It sounds like you are getting to a place where sometimes you are able to say a few words here and there, and that is how things started for me, with a lot of encouragement from my counselor. I am sending a lot of good thoughts your way....

Take care,
ErinBear

[granite1]

i have a very busy day today but want to respond to all of you.you guys are all so amazing i will write more to each of you later when i get home

[WikidPissah]

((((granite)))) you know I know what it's like to be a non-talker You'll get there girlfriend, and I will to...you are awesome, and totally, definitely NOT a freak!

[granite1]

Originally Posted by treehouse

((((((((granite)))))))))

You are doing SUCH a good job of learning to talk to T. It's okay if the stories come out slowly, or later, there is no rush. Trust yourself. You are doing just what you need to do.

it really seems like this is what it is learning to talk to T and then maybe others like people at work and so on if i choose.i have never ever really talked to a T believe it or not in all the years i was forced to be in therapy.and now i choose to go and i still cant open my mouth but i do want to and know that i am slowly .i guess i am just impatient and worry my T will quit befoer i am able to jst relax and trust and talku

[granite1]

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

Sorry, going to respond! You are not a freak, your dream is valid and important and good and there are others who have dreams like that too. You aren't alone in finding it hard to talk to T - I know I can say all sorts of words about things in general, but words about specific abuse I find hard hard hard to say and it is so halting for me to say them because it hurts to say them. It's hard to talk about painful things, and it has been a coping skill that helped you. It will just take some time, but you will be able to talk to T, I know you will because I believe you really do want to, I believe you want to heal and that you will!

poet girl you are awsome and thanks.somedays i cant even say hi.i'm sure it is a coping skill .i never talked much as a kid either it for one would get me in big big trouble.guess i just learned keep mouth shut and do nothing and whatever will just go away

[granite1]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

You are not a freak Why are you judging what you want? What you want is what you want. It's an important part of you and it matters because you matter.

I too dream about being able to talk easily to T and to just be very spontaneous in therapy. To be more courageous and explore everything and anything and not judge myself and not have so much fear.

When I would focus on one smaller thing and don't think I have to bring everything to therapy all at once, I would do better and it helped get things going. Not so overwhelming.

it would be so awsome to just walk in thare and say "hi can we talk about this today "or can i talk about this but it is going to be hard for me" i dont kknow it just seems stupid when it is just written in front of me but i know you all understand how hard it can be

[granite1]

Originally Posted by karebear1

(((((granite))))) You're not a freak! I think you're a wonderfully sensitive and intuitive person. I love that you can write it all down in your journal. At least you are being honest with yourself. Having dreams and focusing on them (like wrting them in your journal) can help to make them come to pass. Maybe someday , sooner than you think, you will be able to do what you dream of. How would that be?

thanks karebear.you are so sweet.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by WePow

(((((Granite))))) You are on your own sacred path and you have your own journey. Remember, my therapy in my 20's started out with silence in T. I was forced to go by the college. I could NOT talk about the stuff. Just you showing up IS a part of your journey right now. And it is very healing because you are not giving up.

One day you will find your voice. And when you do, watch out T! :-)

i'm telling you wepow once i do find my voice i'm sure that T will pay me to shut up LOL

[granite1]

Originally Posted by ErinBear

Dear Granite,

I used to be in a very similar position as you are, and I'd really struggle to say much of anything at all when I saw my counselor. It was extremely frustrating and upsetting, and I was really mad at myself and at times, upset with him as well. Thankfully for me, he was very patient with me and we found various ways to work through that hard time - often through writing, even during the middle of the session. But there came a time when I started to be brave and talk, with a lot of encouragement from him. It was very hard, yes, but for me it was also very healthy, and as time went on I was able to talk more and more. I never imagined that would be possible. I am guessing that it will ultimately be possible for you, too, because even though it is a very hard thing, I have a hunch you do want it, and when the time is right, I imagine you'll gradually start talking more. It sounds like you are getting to a place where sometimes you are able to say a few words here and there, and that is how things started for me, with a lot of encouragement from my counselor. I am sending a lot of good thoughts your way....

Take care,
ErinBear

i did send e-mail but cant anymore i am scared to write but am working on it i am going to try once again to do art on monday.it never seems to work out but if she just sits thare again like last week i will recognise it as my chance to do what i want and that is draw

[granite1]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

((((granite)))) you know I know what it's like to be a non-talker You'll get there girlfriend, and I will to...you are awesome, and totally, definitely NOT a freak!

do you still have a hard time talking in general or just to T

[rainbow8]

((((((granite))))))

You know I understand how hard it is to talk. One of my relatives would try to bribe me with money it woudn't help me talk to her. I remember when I was 10 years old and my Mom took me to a T. I sat there and played with a paper clip for the whole time. When I saw my first real T, I coud talk about some things but never about my feelings. It was like pulling teeth! I honestly don't know how I changed but I think it was out of desperation to tell another person what was inside of me.

I know YOU will get to that point with your T. I think it's a good idea if you draw. Does your T have fingerpaint? I found it so relaxing just to make big swirls, but you could do that with markers too! I talked while I painted, and my T said she saw how relaxed I was. I'm not saying it will be like that for you, but it's worth a try, isn't it?

[granite1]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

((((((granite))))))

You know I understand how hard it is to talk. One of my relatives would try to bribe me with money it woudn't help me talk to her. I remember when I was 10 years old and my Mom took me to a T. I sat there and played with a paper clip for the whole time. When I saw my first real T, I coud talk about some things but never about my feelings. It was like pulling teeth! I honestly don't know how I changed but I think it was out of desperation to tell another person what was inside of me.

I know YOU will get to that point with your T. I think it's a good idea if you draw. Does your T have fingerpaint? I found it so relaxing just to make big swirls, but you could do that with markers too! I talked while I painted, and my T said she saw how relaxed I was. I'm not saying it will be like that for you, but it's worth a try, isn't it?

if she doesnt have an agenda i am going to try very hard to just ask if i can draw.dont know if i will be able to but i figure if it is only like a pencil and paper how scary can asking for that be it isnt all that intrusive.i could have done this last week because we sat in silence the whole time but i didnt even seeit as a poertunity to ask i was freaked out by her comming down to get me late.not going to miss it this week unless she starts asking me things and wanting me to talk.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Granite, you probably guessed by now that I have no problem talkng with my T and rarely ever shut up. Lol. However last week..I wanted to just...I don't know. I had the most bizarre desire to color! Like coloring books and crayons type of coloring. Knowing that she is a child Pdoc I know she has those things in her office and I wanted to ask her "if today would it be ok if I just color? just this one time?" -But I totally chickened out! I don't know why, I think that I might have been afraid that she would say no...-maybe next time, who knows...

[granite1]

Originally Posted by PTSDlovemycats

Granite, you probably guessed by now that I have no problem talkng with my T and rarely ever shut up. Lol. However last week..I wanted to just...I don't know. I had the most bizarre desire to color! Like coloring books and crayons type of coloring. Knowing that she is a child Pdoc I know she has those things in her office and I wanted to ask her "if today would it be ok if I just color? just this one time?" -But I totally chickened out! I don't know why, I think that I might have been afraid that she would say no...-maybe next time, who knows...

believe me cats i know that fear but i bet she would let you if you asked.i think you are worried she would think it child like.i bet it would be just calming.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Originally Posted by granite1

believe me cats i know that fear but i bet she would let you if you asked.i think you are worried she would think it child like.i bet it would be just calming.

Yes I think that is what I am afraid of especially of our latest discussons but she has had me to a collage before so I don't know. I am afraid that she might say "No Cats...that is for the little kids and just because I call you Kiddo it doesn't make you a kid. We need to work on adult stuff and find all those great adult things that you know how to do" Strange thing is as i am typing this i seem to had a similar conversation when I asked if we could play one of the boardgames and that is what she said. Damn u T! I think that she is trying to get me to grow up but she is the one that said that I am emotionally developmentally delayed....Can't she do something to help with that??

[granite1]

Originally Posted by PTSDlovemycats

Yes I think that is what I am afraid of especially of our latest discussons but she has had me to a collage before so I don't know. I am afraid that she might say "No Cats...that is for the little kids and just because I call you Kiddo it doesn't make you a kid. We need to work on adult stuff and find all those great adult things that you know how to do" Strange thing is as i am typing this i seem to had a similar conversation when I asked if we could play one of the boardgames and that is what she said. Damn u T! I think that she is trying to get me to grow up but she is the one that said that I am emotionally developmentally delayed....Can't she do something to help with that??

IDK maybe it is just my issues but i dont think it is a bad thing to sometimes just let it all go and be a kid but i guess if you are always in this mode it can be a problem if it interfears with having adult relationships.that could be a problem.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Originally Posted by granite1

IDK maybe it is just my issues but i dont think it is a bad thing to sometimes just let it all go and be a kid but i guess if you are always in this mode it can be a problem if it interfears with having adult relationships.that could be a problem.

Granite, you raise some excellent valid points! I don't think that I am always in this mode I think I go there most when I am at my most vulnerable. It probaly doesn't help that my job is working with preschoolers either! I probably pick stuff up from them too!! Oh dear! I hadn't thogught about that. I know that it is not a problem in my relationships. Maybe she would be open to it since I am on holidays and I do see her twice a week It's not like I only see her oncea month and would be wasting a session, She gave me another 2.5hr session one day last week so,,,,I don't know.