[Liam Grey]

Hi forum.

Not only tomorrow I'll have a probably tough session ahead, but I have to take one of the most important decisions of my life... I'm still stuck between my current/past life, filled of loneliness, fear of other people, fear of doing/changing things, and something that can make the wheel finally spin. But that's risky and particulary tough for somebody filled with social anxiety like me...

Just wanted to vent it out , and knew no better place than this.

[granite1]

sending some support your waykeep posting

[SpiritRunner]

sending you my support too, along with grace and strength and courage!

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by Liam Grey

Hi forum.

Not only tomorrow I'll have a probably tough session ahead, but I have to take one of the most important decisions of my life... I'm still stuck between my current/past life, filled of loneliness, fear of other people, fear of doing/changing things, and something that can make the wheel finally spin. But that's risky and particulary tough for somebody filled with social anxiety like me...

Just wanted to vent it out , and knew no better place than this.

I'm in the midst of making changes as well, it's really unsettling isn't it? I'm just tired of being a loner all the time. Good luck Liam

[Seshat]

Sending good vibes your way, Liam.

[WePow]

Good Luck!!!

[lastyearisblank]

(((((GOOD LUCK LIAM!!)))))) You can do it!

(((((((((((Liam)))))))))))

Good luck

[PTSDlovemycats]

good luck!!!

[karebear1]

Just keep breathing! You'll do the right thing for you. Good luck!

[Liam Grey]

Thank you all for your encouragement. It's making me really feeling better.

Now I'm heading to my session, hugs to you all !

[sittingatwatersedge]

hi Liam Grey, how you doing today?

[lovelygirl]

Thinking of you, Liam! Please feel free to update us when you're able...

[karebear1]

Good luck Liam...... we're thinking about you lots!

[Liam Grey]

Thank you once again. You are all extraordinary.

Unfortunately, session with T was awful to say the least . But I'm partially satisfied (even if still devasted) as I was able to do the other veeery important thing about myself I was talking in the OP. But still...

Now luckily I have to go out and do something else, so my mind will be occupied... I think I'll need to vent, later, when I'll get home again .

Hugs to all of you.

[lastyearisblank]

Well now we wanna know what the important thing was. Glad that it helped though.

Take care and sorry session sucked.

[sittingatwatersedge]

no questions here. You tell what you feel like telling or nothing, if that is what suits you. I'm glad you went, maybe when a little time passes you will be feeling better. it's hard work...

[SpiritRunner]

[Seshat]

Sorry to hear that, Liam. Hope you're feeling better.

[Liam Grey]

Ok. Here I go with the venting.

I felt totally disconnected today. This formal/no formal speaking my T is "playing" is just killing me, and today it reached it's worst. I mean: we agreed like one month and half ago we could have gone formal while we address each other, but she's forgiving it nonstop and she's switching it to a way/another. This not only is confusing me (how am I supposed to address her?!), but it makes me believe she's not paying attention to me at all, or at least not the attention I need . (flashback: ) When I bring up first time ever about this topic (that I was hearing her addressing other patients even my age more formally, and it somewhat made me felt inferior to them), I talked about it like it was the most important thing in the world for me, for a lot of other reasons about me and my past... I didn't even made a request about it, and SHE decided we could have change our way of addressing each other. Only to have this results.

So while usually she was starting one way, and ending another, today it was all formal. It all felt so distant and fake. And worst of all, I felt like she totally forgotten me. I always think she cared more than just somebody I pay to listen me... but today she just looked and felt like that. Like a machine. Or like it was just our 3rd or 4th week of therapy (that's like two years now, for the record).

I don't know if I'll have the strenght to clarify all this stuff next session. There's even other things that I omitted and may be relevant (especially about the general distance I felt today), but I don't feel like talking about it at least now. Maybe tomorrow? But right now, all I'm thiking is that I just don't want to go to next session.

God bless you all for listening. I really don't know how I would have done without this section and without you people. It's not like somebody else but you all can understand what it means going through this stuff.

(((((((((((Liam)))))))))))))

It feels awful when we don't get what we need from session.

I wonder if the other big thing you had going on in your life affected how therapy felt? I know that when I have big, hard things going on, sometimes it feels extra hard to connect with T...because I am so raw, and vulnerable and I need exactly what I need, and of course, he's not perfect, so if he misses the mark in those times it feels so so so so much worse than other times. When I have something big happening outside of session, something T might say/do that would normally roll off of me might end up feeling SO HUGE. And then I feel disconnected, and the session just goes downhill from there.

It sounds like you did what you needed to do for you outside of therapy, and it sounds like you have good awareness about how the session felt. You don't have to decide right now whether or not you will talk to her about it next time, or how you will bring it up. Right now, I wonder if you can let yourself rest, after what sounds like a really hard day?

Be gentle with you. You are working very hard.

[Liam Grey]

Thank you for your kind words Tree.

I don't know if the other big thing affected session, it could partially be of course. I feel tension and anxiety for all the week.

You are right, I don't have to talk about all this stuff next session, but in the meantime I can't let myself rest ... I felt disconnected from everyone today, I don't know if it was still for yesterday.

The worst thing is that sometimes I "shut" in therapy... but that's something that comes from me. It's the first time ever I sense this kind of distance and coldness from HER.

I'm in a bad place right now. I'm really disappointed by her and by all this. It's like she took away her gentle, caring mask and her real face is just saying, "I don't really care about you, you are just work".

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

Well now we wanna know what the important thing was.

I had to basically contact a person (mail) that could have take me right in one of the situations I fear the most (knowing and being in contact with a lot of new people), that in the meantime is what I absolutely need to experiment more in my situation.

Unfortunately it isn't still evolving (didn't have a response till now), and I know that for somebody who doesn't suffer of social anxiety like I am, it may looks like a really small deal, but just the fact that I made the step of taking initiative about this is a tremendous improvement for me. Cause that's what I need to force myself to do, in order to get out from this colourless hell that my life has turned into: try, try and try again.

Sooner or later something might happen, right ?

[Seshat]

It will, Liam. Hang in there. Sorry you're in pain. Take good care of yourself

[lastyearisblank]

Sooner or later something might happen, right ?

Definitely. Sorry to hear that you don't feel restful right now. Please make a plan to TALK to her about this next week. When making big life changes, my need to connect in therapy goes ^^^^. It becomes like this primal thing.... like "show me I'm not alone." If T is off it feels so much worse. Your issues and plans are a big deal. They matter.