[Bill3]

Which gender is better to have as a T? What are the pros and cons, issues to consider? Or does it not matter?

Thank you!

[lastyearisblank]

I think it does make a difference sometimes. Whichever one you have more friends of, or can imagine opening up to more easily!! Which might be like 50/ 50? Depending on past issues it can make a difference too I guess. I've had female and male. Someone had said to me choose a T that you can imagine being friends with and I think that makes a lot of sense.

[ballet_girl]

I would never consider having a male t, because I feel like I need somebody who I can relate to, and so I would have to worry less about transference. it just depends who you would feel more comfortable with

[qwerty000]

Depends entirely on the person and the therapist. Personally, I could never imagine seeing a male therapist because I wouldn't feel comfortable opening up to them; however, I am a lot more comfortable opening up to my current (female) therapist than I was with other female therapists in the past.

[arcangel]

Which gender is better to have as a T?
What are the pros and cons, issues to consider?

Just guessing here but I'd think that is going to be subjective rather than objective. In other words...a matter of opinion and personal preference based on...a lot of things lol. I can understand why a sexual abuse victim might prefer a female therapist but obviously not all do.
I'd think that the pros and cons would have already occurred to you so maybe this is more of a conversational thread?

Or does it not matter?
Not to me. All I would want in a therapist is competence. Don't want or need a mommy or daddy or guru or fantasy lover

Thank you!
You're welcome...

male, definitely male for me.... it is personal preferences and who you feel comfortable talking too

[Bill3]

I'd think that the pros and cons would have already occurred to you so maybe this is more of a conversational thread?

Thanks for your post, and the others so far!

I can imagine what people might think, but for me the purpose of the thread is to learn what people actually think and have experienced.

There will never be a clear cut answer based on gender. Because gender is a very personal preference. Some people, no matter what, prefer a specific gender. Based on experience, triggers, expectations, etc.

I would encourage awareness of any triggers. To think about "What would it be like to be with a male counselor?" Then, "What would it be like to be with a male?" Look for triggers or concerns about the actual gender (i.e.: I am a bit hesistant with a female because I have really negative experiences with my mother). Sometimes having to face the trigger in and of itself is a therapeutic need, which may sway you one way. Versus if you need to avoid that type of trigger which would sway you the other.

If there are no concerns/triggers that arise really thinking about the gender, then looking at other qualifications. What do you want the T to have training and experience in? What time of model do they use for treatment? etc.

[sunrise]

My first therapist was female and I definitely wanted a woman. I thought a male might "take the side" of my then husband in the decline of our marriage. I wanted someone supportive and understanding. The first therapist was OK and we did accomplish some things, but she wasn't that skilled and I didn't stay with her too long. Her skill and competence had nothing to do with the fact that she was female.

My second (and current) therapist is male. I heard of him from an acquaintance as being someone with expertise in the area I needed, so I went to see him despite his being a man. I thought, what the hey, I need help, I am willing to try anything, even if it doesn't meet my preconceptions for what will help me. Best decision I ever made! He was not less understanding or empathetic because he was a man. He did not "take the side" of my husband automatically (had I envisioned some sort of "we men need to stick together" sort of response from a male T?). He was sensitive and kind. In fact, he was just what I needed. Again, his competence was not related to his being a man, but I see now that being with a man and having him be a good guy has been very, very healing. I am sure I could have done some healing with a female, but it wouldn't have healed all the same wounds as readily.

So I would recommend not being too "stuck" on having either a man or a woman. Look instead for the connection. Is it a good "fit"? If someone sounds good, don't rule them out because they're not your ideal. Give them a chance and you may find your ideal wasn't necessarily what was really ideal for you.

I've always preferred a male therapist, not because they are necessarily "better", but because I prefer their style. I personally found the female therapists I tried to be too coddling and pitying which just really turned me off. I prefer the directness, even blunt honesty, that my male therapists have approached me with. That's just my personal experience though. I don't think one can really say one sex therapist is better than the other.

[mokie]

Definetly female. I could not share everything with a male T. To personnal stuff. I also would propably develope some kind of crush if male and I am in my extreme mania episode. Although I feel more comfortable around male friends. I was always the tom girl but in a cute dress. I just related more to males then females.

[lastyearisblank]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

I've always preferred a male therapist, not because they are necessarily "better", but because I prefer their style. I personally found the female therapists I tried to be too coddling and pitying which just really turned me off. I prefer the directness, even blunt honesty, that my male therapists have approached me with. That's just my personal experience though. I don't think one can really say one sex therapist is better than the other.

Absolutely, thread derail here, but I love how you described this (not necessarily as a man/woman thing) but that directness is very important.

[Chronic]

There's no right ir wrong answer- it just depends on what you are more comfortable with. I have a male T because I dont trust women to be strong enough to be able to help me. But thats just me.

[WePow]

For me, I need a male T at this point in my life. I had both male and female abusers, but I missed out on having a safe male father figure because he was an abuser. My mom was not. So having a therapy "daddy" for my little part allows me to heal in ways I can't with "another" mother figure or whatever my transference would present.

I know that the choice between a male or female T is very important. But the importance is directly related to the needs of the client at a particular point of their healing journey.

[SoupDragon]

I have a male therapist - I realise now that I choose a male, probably because I didn't want a female - I perceive my mother as weak and unsupportive and therefore I actually feel more comfortable with men.

But I think ultimately it is who you feel most comfortable with that's important and for some that may be based on gender, but for others different reasons may be more important.

[crazycanbegood]

I agree with everyone that it depends on the person. I have always preferred female Ts. I think this is because I have always searched for a real mother. I want the nurturing desperately. I feel very uncomfortable sharing intimate things with male strangers, perhaps because of issues surrounding my father.

[suzzie]

has to be female. but not any. a certain personality and look too. otherwise female doesnt work either. (no male ever.) i know both are equally good. i just have to have female. (i would never get past terrified with a male no matter how nice he was.)

[whoswho]

I would have to agree with a lot of the posters here and say that it's more about personality and compatibility rather than gender. All of the Ts and PDocs I ever had were female because I thought I would be too scared to talk to a man. But when I was forced to see a male PDoc in college, I found him to be the most considerate and helpful professional I had ever met. I opened up to him more than I did with my female T. I think there is a difference in style between a male and female T but I don't think that one is better than the other. It's up to the individual as to what will satisfy their needs.

[iheartjacques]

I've always had female. Have male for first time. A lot more feelings involved. But a lot more done.

[growlycat]

I understand that my preference is because of me and my issues. I'm sure there are great and lousy T's of both sexes.

My personal reasons for preferring male T's: My main abuser as a kid was female so I have trouble trusting female authority figures in general. I grew up the eldest of many sisters, and the infighting and rivalry was awful. I tend to fight over the usage of language and bicker about the meanings of certain words in a given context with female T's I had early on.

I really enjoy the experience of the help of nurturing males. Love it. Can't get enough of that experience. And this may be sexist of me, but I find guys to be simpler creatures, easier to understand. Rested, fed, and possibly a healthy sex life is all they seem to need to be well balanced. They tend not to do the very female act of apologizing when something isn't their fault. My CBT T "owns his space" and seems confident to the edge of cockiness. I need that trait so badly. Modeling male T's behavior tends to minimize my neurotic, ruminating tendencies.

PS My female T's early on made way too many assumptions about my experience, just because we were both female. My male T's make no presumptions and I love that.

[Raindropvampire]

For me I have to have a female T. First male T/pdoc I had were terrible. Last male T I had went for a hug and I put him down flat on the ground. Just freaked the hell out. I might have flinched if it had been a female maybe even pushed her back a little but a guy hugging me when I feel vulnerable and it's just not good. Fortunately he had no hard feelings. Said it was his fault he should have asked instead of just reacting and giving me a hug(especially in light of what we were talking about). Soooo we decided I should see a female T. The only complaint I have with female Ts is in my experience they are more emotional. Haven't had one yet that hasn't cried at some point while we were talking.

[Partless]

Men works better

I can't really comment on which is 'better' as I've only had one T, but I'm sure it must depend the client and the T. Like every walk of life there will be good and bad on all sides.

Personally I would never have chosen a female T because of my own personal issues particularly trusting women. (Emotionally absent mother etc)

[Can't Stop Crying]

I always thought I would never be comfortable/safe with a male T.

My last T was female and there were many times she crossed boundaries and acted inappropriate towards me (I did not know what was happening was wrong - she was the doctor so I believed the problem was me. I thought I was overreacting or my feelings of being violated were just because I didn't know what normal was, etc.) Long story short - she terminated me without warning, which in hindsight was a blessing in disguise.

I have been seeing my current male T for more than 10 years. Which is very weird considering a lot of what I deal with involves csa.

I don't think gender matters as much as your ability to trust, connect, and feel safe with the individual.

That's how it is for me anyways....sorry if TMI