what happens at the end?

i've been thinking about this a little bit lately.. what happens at the end of therapy? no, i'm not talking about "terminating" or even the actual act of saying goodbye, but after that.

i had this (albeit arrogant) thought the other day like what if my therapist said, "seventyeight, now i can finally be honest with you and tell you that i did in fact think of you on the weekends.." or "you know, you were much more a part of my life than i could ever tell you.."

i know it's a bit ridiculous to have these thoughts, but i do. it's kind of like graduating and running into your teacher again and they allow you call them by their first name or tell you what they really thought of having you in their class. that's what this kind of reminds me of. i wonder what it's really like?

i don't think it is ridiculous at all.i think it would be so nice to find out that your T did think about you outside of sessions and did enjoy working with you and was actually able to be open about these feelings

not ridiculous, I have had those thoughts too.....I wonder what it would be like to run into T after therapy too, what it would feel like, what might be said.....she told me once she does think of clients still after they have moved on and wonders how they are and prays for them still.....

I am curious to this also. I think this is a fear with me. Are we supposed to grieve them like they have died? Do we get to check in?
Once when I said I was quitting during a flight state of mind, my T said (I think frustratingly) that I need to understand that my file would be closed and that would be it, we would be done. I don't think her heart would allow that.
What is the proper etiquette?

I found it wasn't something I could imagine, kind of like imagining being old we think we can see what it might be like but when we experience it, it's something totally different.

My experience is (I finished with therapy 5-1/2 years ago, the summer of 2005) that most of the "little" things that were bothering me, the constant self-doubt in my head? all those "voices" critiquing everything I said, did, what "they" said, did, etc.? are not there anymore. Don't know where they went :-) or when they went but all the jittery jumping up and down that use to happen in my head is now isn't there, it's a good quiet, I can think about whatever I want and concentrate on it or not as I choose, my head space is mine. The worst behavior that drove me to therapy in the first place is nowhere to be found and though I'm still a bit anxious at times, it's usually a "normal" anxiety that I'm pretty sure most people get before trying a new thing, meeting a new person, etc. It doesn't get in my way (I had to give a talk before 50-100 professionals as part of a panel about myself/my experience and forgot what I was saying, totally froze (remember, I was talking about myself, my experience), but then was able to recover and continue and gave a successful talk with question and answer period afterwards I contributed to!). Anything I decide I want to do/try/say, I can do/try/say it!

My T, had a dream about her just night before last, the 5th or 6th I've had in the last year or two. I think about her and our time together (18 years :-) and it was a big part of my life, but it's like friends I rarely see or other people I have known in my past, part of my past experience but I am now facing forward. Yes she helped me become who I am now but so did X number of friends, bosses, mentors, teachers, relatives, etc. who have been in and out of my life and while they were in my life, had a large profile? Reminds me of one of my favorite .gif files:

Do birds think about their parents after they leave the nest and learn to forage for themselves?

When I first started seeing my T, I was struck by a certain look in his eye when I asked him if he worked with anyone with DID before. That is what I have. He told me that he did have a client with DID many years before. He just told me a brief bit about the situation so I would know he did have experience to treat me. But he stopped at one point and had a million mile stare and said "I wonder about her sometimes, about how she is doing these days. I hope she is doing well."

He didn't forget her. T's remember us.

I taught jr. high learning disabled students my whole career. I always took a picture of my class at the beginning and at the end of the year. For the most part, I don't need to look at a picture to remember most all of my students, what they were like, even their little mannerisms. For many things I have a lousy memory, but my students and work were my passion. I have not forgotten much about them. I think maybe T's remember too.

It's different when you don't "need" them like you do now... and it's good. It's a healthy "goodbye" but you know you can always return for "tune ups". You've moving on and welcome the extra time in your week that is normally spent on sessions. Don't think anything negative about it, or fear it... when you're ready, it's all good.

Hey...you can always call T by first name (they just might not like it )

I don't have any 'goodbye' related fantasies, I think because I am mostly getting what I dreamed of during the actual relationship, and also because if I have a fantasy (e.g. her being my mother) I tend to her tell her.

I imagine that part of it being 'the end' is that the intensity of the relationship, and our feelings, has lessened because our needs have been met, and that by then these things won't feel so important? But I guess that depends on the circumstances and reasons for ending...

Right now, I think I am in this place. And really, it's fine (although I never would have been able to imagine that even 6 months ago).

T HAS meet so many of my needs, and he is still there, and will still meet them if I need him to. But it's just different now. I don't love him any less, and I don't feel any less connected, but I NEED him less. I used to have contact with him every day, and two appointments a week. I took a break for almost 4 weeks and I've seen him once since then. I think I've left him one phone message and sent one e-mail. And it's okay.

For me, there was a time in therapy when I NEEDED T, a LOT. And he met my needs SO consistently and SO patiently and SO lovingly. He never ever made me feel like "too much", and really, I had to have been the World's Neediest Client Now I am better at getting a lot of those needs met by other people in my life, and I think a lot of the big leftover childhood needs have finally been met.

I don't know what it will look like from here...if we will head into another intense phase of therapy (there is still one big issue we have yet to tackle), or if it will stay how it is right now, or if we'll say goodbye. But I do believe that if we trust the process, it will feel "right", however it turns out.

When I took my big break, T did say some things to me that he hadn't said before, about my importance in his life and the impact I've had on him. That felt good

I'm not sure if that answers your question...but that's my experience (so far)

I wonder how to deal with not being able to go for "tune ups" if needed if she retires completely. I have been with my therapist almost 19 years and have benefited greatly. I see her once a week and can write her letters or call in between sessions if needed (I don't do that too much though). Session are most always productive. I cannot imagine her retiring. She is 67 though. She did retire from her full time job as a therapist at a hospital but has kept her part-time private practice going. She says she is perfectly happy working part time and doing things she likes to do in her spare time. Anyone out there have there therapist retire? My therapist has always said to me that she feels I will always need some kind of contact with her and that is okay...I don't know it makes me anxious just thinking about it.

Good question, I know I'm gonna go into a lapse if my therapy ever ends. I will miss the time and my T.

yeah, It's hard to remember a time when she has not been in my life...

interesting cmac, we're sort of in the same boat. i've not been with my therapist for nearly as long as you, but she's the same age as yours and i wonder what will happen when she retires. i think this is a bit different from "terminating" because you decide to leave; for me at least it's going to 'end' because she has to go. if i really think about it - i'd say that this is my preference, but i'm still not looking forward to it (of course).

I told her I was feeling really anxious about it in our session on Saturday and she tried to assure me that she was perfectly happy working part-time in her private practice & she also said I would be the second person she would tell when she in fact decides to totally retires (she would tell her husband first). I have asked her a couple of times: "What happens if something terrible happens in my life and you have retired?" Her answer: "Then you call me." I do have her work, cell and home phone numbers and she lives about 15 minutes form me...I just don't want anything to happen to her. I have gotten so used to having a consistant, caring person in my life for so long now...something I was totally deprived of as a child and teenager. I started seeing her when I was 30. I am happily married to a great guy for 31 years now...but she fills that mothering gap I missed out on.

that's great that you have a "then you call me" policy with her. i think that's so helpful to keep the lines open like that. and how awesome is it that you're first on the list of clients that she'd tell she's retiring?! that's great.

do you have any sense whether it's going to be soon or not? the only think my therapist has ever said to me on the subject is, "i'm not retiring" (along with "i'm not dying," as i was worried (obviously) about not seeing her anymore )

Yeah the dieing issue is in my head also...I am always thinking after I leave a session that I will never see her again and she just chuckles and says she does not plan to retire anytime soon or die! She has let me take a few photos of her ( I do photography as a hobby) and she has made a few recordings for me of her reading a few kids stories that I have always liked and she will write brief notes if I ask her to if I am struggleing in between sessions. She is an awesome therapist so I cannot even imagine not seing her. I have read threads on this site that talk about therapists only caring about the money and I am sure some do (but not most) With her yeah I pay her but there have been times I have been over $3,000 in debt to her and she never once mentioned the money to me. I was the one always worrying about it. Worrying she was going to kick me out of therapy because I owed so much. When I would tell her my worries she would always smile and say "now what good would that do you?" She has told me she knows I will pay her when I can at some point in time and I did and continue to. I know she cares she would not have stuck by me if she didn't and you know I can really tell when she hugs me at the end of a session. So she just cannot retire!!

I've been musing about this topic since the onset of therapy. The therapeutic dyad has no parallel in social interactions. There isn't any past experience of separation to draw upon. I would like to think that my emotions will be calmer when that time comes, but I worry that I'll feel like they died, or worse, I'll feel haunted by the experience.

I try not to dwell on those thoughts but sometimes it does get in the way of enjoying the here and now great relationship she and I have...but then that is an issue going way way back into my past.