[Splintered]

I have a session with my t tomorrow morning and I'm feeling really nervous (well you probably all figured that out from the title!). Last week I shared one of my abuse memories with t for the first time. In some ways it doesn't really feel like it's even sunk in yet that she knows one of them so I feel semi-okay about seeing her again. During the last week though sharing this memory with t has made me realise that I really am going to have to deal with this stuff and that it's not going to go away. And that's brought up a lot of intense feelings (mainly complete disgust with my own body) that I know I need to talk about. I just don't know how I'm going to be able to bring it up and talk about it with her sitting in the same room looking at me the whole time. I feel like we're going from talking about slightly difficult things to extremely difficult things without any steps inbetween. But I can't tell these feelings to go away and come back when we get to the extremely-difficult-things-to-talk-about part of therapy - I tried but it's not working. I know if I go and I don't talk about it I'll really regret it but it's going to be so, so hard to talk about. I just hope I don't go in there and shut down and end up having a pointless session or let t side-track me with other stuff. Anyone want to come with me?

[karebear1]

I'll come splintered!

It's ok if you shut down ya know. I do it a lot- and it's frustrating for me and T, but I think it helps T understand the difficulty of what I'm going through and it helps me because at least I'm thinking ( ever so hesitantly and fighting it all the way) about things I really, really don't want to think about. Everyone here says it's painful, but once it's out there things can and will get better. I'm kinda chicken to still say too much- but you have a desire to talk- use it! You'll know when to say what.

Good luck tomorrow with your T. Let us know how it turns out- ok?

[SoupDragon]

Well done for sharing some of that stuff. I am often feel really scared about going, but once I am there it feels OK. I have all sorts of fears about what he may ask, how he might react etc. but actually I am beginnning to start to trust that it will always be OK and he will know when to challenge me and when to back off. I'm not sure that it makes it any easier for me to get past the freezing, numbness, fogginess, but I am sticking with it for now.

Good luck tomorrow, I'm with you too.

[swimmergirl]

I will come also! Maybe print up what you wrote here and give it to T? Or maybe write a letter and have T read it? Go at your own pace, T is there to support you. It is scary but as you face it when you are ready your relationship with T will grow and there is not much better than that. Thinking of you.

[Sannah]

Would it help if you hid behind your hands the first time that you explained it?

[Splintered]

Thank you for replying It's so good to come here and have people who understand.

Karebear - it is so frustrating to shut down. I've done it a lot as well though not so much with this t thankfully. I do have a strong desire/need to talk about this so hopefully I can. I will definitely post an update after my session!

Soupdragon - I do think that often the thought of going is worse than the actual deed. I'm glad you're starting to trust that it will always be okay - that's huge! My t is pretty good with knowing when to push me and when to back off as well.

Swimmergirl - thank you, I have written down kind of bullet points of how I've been feeling this week to remind myself before I go in (in case I suddenly go blank). If I'm really struggling maybe I will show her the list. Sometimes I feel like it's almost easier to say the words because once you've said them they're gone and on paper they're just there. Although I wrote down what I shared with her last week because I couldn't say it so I'll see. I could just snatch the paper back off her once she's read it I suppose!

Sannah - that's a good idea. I think I'll definitely be hiding in some way - or maybe I'll just close my eyes and pretend she's not even there! I feel shaky just thinking about it.

16 hours to go....

[SpiritRunner]

I will come too.....you are being so brave to face this. Yes, it is OK to shield yourself in some way.....

[Splintered]

Thanks Poetgirl. I hope I can be brave tomorrow. I know I need to be - don't want to have another week like this last one so I have to try. Although I know talking about it probably won't make it instantly easier. 14 hours to go now - at least I'll hopefully spend 8 hours of them sleeping.

[Splintered]

Have to leave in an hour and a half. Really don't want to even leave the house. I feel frozen.

[Splintered]

Well I went - after crying to a friend on the phone 15 minutes before I had to leave thinking I couldn't go. I told her pretty much everything I'd written down. It took a long time for me to say it all so she kept trying to understand and misinterpreting what I was trying to say but we got there in the end. I think I was hoping she would have some magic words to make it easier but of course she didn't. Feel a bit horrible but the world is still turning, the birds are still singing and the sky has not yet caved in so I'm not any worse off than I was before I left. Maybe she'll have some magic words for me next week after having some time to think about it Thank you all for your support and for coming with me - it really helped.

[Sannah]

Good work Splintered!

[Splintered]

Thanks Sannah - thanks for your support