That's me. I feel SO stuck right now.

I saw T today and I don't know if there was ANY movement. I just feel STUCK.

I feel so inside out. Like we're at this core stuff and T is seeing the REAL ME and that he's not going to love me or even like me anymore. It feels SO REAL. I can't imagine him continuing to like me, I can't imagine him not dreading our appointments.

It takes me so long to get "warmed up" in therapy and everything big happens in the last 10 minutes and then of course it's rushed and I feel pushed out (even though I'm not, time is just up, and I totally get that).

I hate this. I know that T likes me and that T loves me and I can't help wanting to just jump ship RIGHT NOW before that changes.

I need so badly to feel connected to T, because THAT is my foundation for this work, and I don't. And it's not him, it's me. I know it's me. And I can sit here and know it and I can't figure out how to fix it.

I decided to try to notice ANYTHING I can find about myself that's good (I decided this on my way home from session) and I ended up having to coordinate a bunch of families for something and I was able to tell myself "I'm good at organizing groups of people". Such a lame start, but a start.

So. I'm attention-seeking, manipulative, stupid, ugly, lame, weak, a big complainer...and I am good at organizing groups of people. Yipee.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by treehouse

So. I'm attention-seeking, manipulative, stupid, ugly, lame, weak, a big complainer...and I am good at organizing groups of people. Yipee.

lol, sorry I hope you don't mind.
You are wise, compassionate, loyal, helpful, inspiring, encouraging, funny, a devoted wife and a caring and careful mother, a great friend, musically talented, a lover of life, have wonderful drive and tenacity.... and you're good at organizing groups of people... wow I am sure I haven't put down the half of it.

you can even do wallpapering wow!!

[Splintered]

How about kind? You've written posts to me that were really supportive and understanding and I've seen similar posts you've written to other people. If you weren't kind and generous of your time you wouldn't bother.

I hate that feeling of being stuck. It's really, really horrible I'm in post-t hangover mode so can't think of anything insightful to say right now but wanted to let you know there are good things about you. I barely even know you and I've seen them!

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

lol, sorry I hope you don't mind.
You are wise, compassionate, loyal, helpful, inspiring, encouraging, funny, a devoted wife and a caring and careful mother, a great friend, musically talented, a lover of life, have wonderful drive and tenacity.... and you're good at organizing groups of people... wow I am sure I haven't put down the half of it.

you can even do wallpapering wow!!

all true and wonderful.....and may I say full of grace too! all the wonderful posts you have made to me, you have helped me so much with your wisdom, your care, your understanding! you ARE awesome and I love all that I know of you!
that said, I do relate to the stuck feeling too......

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

that said, I do relate to the stuck feeling too......

((((((((((( tree and PG76 )))))))))))

I wasn't gong to say, but I will, that Tree I could have repeated all you wrote about stuckness, except for the part where T loves me. I doubt it. Yesterday I said, "Do you realize you look at me like this a lot" and I made an expression that I see frequently, and she said, it's frustration.
Then she said, but I'm not frustrated WITH YOU, sawe - and I said, hey, who else is in here?

Maybe I should have looked under the couch??

[Splintered]

I just wanted to add that even though it feels like t is now seeing 'the real you' it doesn't mean all the other parts of you he's seen (and loves) aren't the real you. You might be getting to the place where you're exposing the deepest most intimate part of who you are/who you think you are (which is pretty impressive to get to that point by the way) but that doesn't make any of the other parts of yourself less real. This is just like peeling down to the core of the onion but you wouldn't throw away the outer layers because they're still onion too (okay that maybe doesn't make any sense!). From what I've read your view of your core self is not the way other people see you but I think you will work through that with your t, it sounds like you have a good relationship.

SAWE - my t has expressed frustration sometimes as well but I think it's more frustration at my defences and at 'the process' not at me as a person. She knows I'm doing my best and sometimes it's just frustrating for both of us that things aren't moving as fast as we both would like. Maybe that's what your t meant?

[swimmergirl]

Tree, I agree with all the other posters. The one word that comes to mind when I think of you is kind and I don't even know you, but you have posted some wonderful comments to me and others and have helped me. You care and it is obvious.

It sounds like you may need some reassurance from your T about your relationship. Maybe talk with him about this at the beginning of your next session. You can even print up what you wrote here. I learned this last week that part of trusting your T is that when he tells you something, you BELIEVE him, even if you don't know why. That was a huge thing for me. I am always trying to figure out the inner agenda of people and for the life of me couldn't figure out why my T was still with me. But when I finally allowed myself to believe him when he said reassuring things, that's when the fear left me and I finally felt safe.

[sittingatwatersedge]

you are sweet splintered, but I have a feeling I am throwing her some curves she hasn't had to field before... and that's not very good, considering the fact that she has been doing this work for a longggggggggg time.
Sorry Tree, i don't mean to hijack.
Say Tree - did you tell yr T about losing yr voice? and if so what did he say? just wondering

[seventyeight]

maybe instead of organizing groups of people, you're good at organizing parts of yourself. i'm not sure if this makes any sense whatsoever, but it was the first thing i thought when i read your post. and it seems like all of these parts of you, while well organized, are all now stuck at the same time. it's like the part you that knows your therapist loves you, is fighting with the part of you that thinks he dreads your appointments. whether it's push or pull, it results in a zero net movement. not sure if this helps, just something i thought of..

[Sannah]

Tree, I'll bet these feelings are triggered up from the past. You felt them about yourself a long time ago because of the abusers and they are just coming out now. They have to come out. Maybe it can bring comfort knowing that you won't feel like this forever and it is a process.

I could tell my T was frustrated today too, sawe. I asked if he was frustrated and he said yes. And I asked if I was the only client who had such a hard time after sharing the yucky stuff and he said no, it's really common. And I asked, well why are you frustrated? And he said "because I don't know how to fix it". I do think they become frustrated with the process. I know *I* do. Blah.

I feel awful. I want so badly to not feel so bad about myself.

All of your words help, though...if for no other reason than because I feel lucky to have such kind people in my life Thanks.

[WePow]

((((((((((Tree))))))))) I get it.. that yucky feeling after sharing the very very bad stuff. It is OK to feel that. And it is OK for T to feel what he does. He cares about you and just wants to make the pain go away.

[nannypat]

Tree, everybody beat me in saying all the great things I think of you. I agree of course.