[mixedup_emotions]

I'm afraid T is going to give up on me....

I have no energy at all. This depression has taken such a strong hold of me...the weight of it is leaving me lifeless. I saw T, and he is concerned - wants me to consider a med change (even tho he hates AD's), but I told him I wouldn't consider that because every time I've changed meds, it makes me feel worse - filled with agitation.

We attempted exploring the weight that is holding me down....but didn't get far. I could sense T's frustration....

I see him again on Thursday...wish I could get out of this funk....

Could use some hugs, if you can spare them.....

[Hope-Full]

I understand the weighty feeling... It sucks. Sending you lots of hugs....

[Sannah]

[rainbow8]

Of course I'll give you hugs. I wish I could do more for you, though.

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( mue )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[googley]

Mue, that big black hole is hell. can you look to try to find a just a sprinkling of light? i hate taking meds for depression, have you tried the snri's? they are what finally helped me

and yes, sending you lots and lots and lots of safe hugs

(((sending you many hugs)))
I wish I could help pull you out of the funk. I wonder if T is more "frustrated for you". It's so hard when we're down that far.

[karebear1]

You need hugs Mue??? No Problem!

[Omers]

Hugs!
My T gets frustrated a lot but hasn't given up.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, everyone......((( HUGS )))

[WePow]

(((((((MUE))))))
Can you maybe write out what you WANT to feel like?
Then make list of the thought or feeling that is keeping that good feeling from happening.

For example: I want to feel competent at work.
Negative thought: I don't know what I am doing.

Next, come up with a few things that could help move you toward the good feeling.
Mine: I can make a list of the exact things I don't understand.
I can go through each item and find out who is an expert on that issue.
I can go to that expert and ask them to teach me what I need to know.

See if that helps you out any. Hugs!!!

[Kacey2]

MUE,
Just be gentle with yourself. Depression is an illness. It is hard to remember that and there are thoughts of, "if only it I could do this....if I would just........" Remember that you are committed to your treatment just as you would be in chemo if you had cancer. Keep trying and remember to be gentle and kind to yourself, you are fighting a battle.

[sunrise]

Hugs coming your way, MUE.

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I'm afraid T is going to give up on me.... I could sense T's frustration....

MUE, I wouldn't lean too hard on what you sensed. Your T has stuck by you through thick and thin and last time went on that wonderful walk with you through the garden and had you taste the fresh veggies. It seemed like a very caring gesture and just the thing to show his support. I think sometimes it is the depression in us that makes those negative interpretations and believes our Ts are giving up or frustrated. I would just put that out of mind and unless he said those words, don't trust your what you sensed at this time.

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

We attempted exploring the weight that is holding me down....but didn't get far.

When we're really depressed, it can be OK not to explore. Leave that for brighter times. Just go and get support and don't have expectations to get a lot of work done in therapy at this time. Go easy on yourself and go be with T and feel his caring and understanding (and fresh veggies). If your T does seem to be pushing you to explore, it is OK to say you don't feel well enough to do that right now.

I felt better about being depressed when I realized it had a purpose. Maybe that won't work for everyone, but it helped me. So instead of fighting it, I made friends with it. I know that doesn't fit for everyone, and some get offended when I say it, but I'll just throw it out there as something I went through. Didn't cure me, but helped me feel less bad about being depressed (as opposed to feeling less depressed).

(((((((MUE)))))))

Your T isn't going to give up on you, we're not going to give up on you...don't you give up on you.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by WePow

(((((((MUE))))))
Can you maybe write out what you WANT to feel like?
Then make list of the thought or feeling that is keeping that good feeling from happening.

For example: I want to feel competent at work.
Negative thought: I don't know what I am doing.

Next, come up with a few things that could help move you toward the good feeling.
Mine: I can make a list of the exact things I don't understand.
I can go through each item and find out who is an expert on that issue.
I can go to that expert and ask them to teach me what I need to know.

See if that helps you out any. Hugs!!!

Thanks for this, WePow.....I will definitely try to do that....

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Kacey2

MUE,
Just be gentle with yourself. Depression is an illness. It is hard to remember that and there are thoughts of, "if only it I could do this....if I would just........" Remember that you are committed to your treatment just as you would be in chemo if you had cancer. Keep trying and remember to be gentle and kind to yourself, you are fighting a battle.

Thanks, Kacey.....You're right. It is a battle....and although I feel defeated and have surrendered to the pain of this depression, I will survive it.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by sunrise

Hugs coming your way, MUE.

MUE, I wouldn't lean too hard on what you sensed. Your T has stuck by you through thick and thin and last time went on that wonderful walk with you through the garden and had you taste the fresh veggies. It seemed like a very caring gesture and just the thing to show his support. I think sometimes it is the depression in us that makes those negative interpretations and believes our Ts are giving up or frustrated. I would just put that out of mind and unless he said those words, don't trust your what you sensed at this time.

When we're really depressed, it can be OK not to explore. Leave that for brighter times. Just go and get support and don't have expectations to get a lot of work done in therapy at this time. Go easy on yourself and go be with T and feel his caring and understanding (and fresh veggies). If your T does seem to be pushing you to explore, it is OK to say you don't feel well enough to do that right now.

I felt better about being depressed when I realized it had a purpose. Maybe that won't work for everyone, but it helped me. So instead of fighting it, I made friends with it. I know that doesn't fit for everyone, and some get offended when I say it, but I'll just throw it out there as something I went through. Didn't cure me, but helped me feel less bad about being depressed (as opposed to feeling less depressed).

Thank you, sunrise....I emailed my T asking him for some reassurance that he's not giving up on me and that he still cares. He responded that he absolutely still cares and will not give up.

I believe my T was just feeling helpless...and I know he wants to "speed up the process" (his words)....and I'm just not responding to it at the moment. My first step right now is to make sure I get enough sleep and nourishment - as I know that is contributing to my lethargy. Hopefully that will lead me to gaining some energy to combat this darkness....

Can you help me understand what you mean by depression having a purpose? What purpose does it serve? I'm really curious....

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by treehouse

(((((((MUE)))))))

Your T isn't going to give up on you, we're not going to give up on you...don't you give up on you.

Aww, Tree, this made me cry....

Thank you. ((( HUGS )))

[mixedup_emotions]

Thank you so much, everyone, for your incredible support.

Even though I'm in this ugly, dark place, I think my body is somehow trying to work its way towards health....as I thought of something important to me today, reached out to get what I needed and have decided to do something about it once I get some sleep tonight.

*** WARNING: Sad story to follow ***

My dad passed away 4 years ago, in front of my then 5 year old daughter and my mom, less than an hour after visiting my daughter's school for grandparent visitation day. My dad always loved to take lots of pictures and had a 35mm camera that he took pictures with that day. No one in the family - including myself - has had the heart to finish that roll of film and get it developed, to see the final pictures that he took which, of course, include my daughter.

Now, 4 years later, I contacted my mom to get a hold of the camera and am taking it to a camera shop first thing to see if the roll of film can be developed.

I am SO sad and SO anxious to take this step....I haven't really accepted the fact that my dad is truly gone and haven't fully grieved his death. I love him dearly. I also have a lot of "unfinished business" when it comes to the physical and emotional abuse from my parents which I still tend to blame myself for.

I am hoping this endeavor will be a step towards progress....Wish me luck.

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Thank you so much, everyone, for your incredible support.

Even though I'm in this ugly, dark place, I think my body is somehow trying to work its way towards health....as I thought of something important to me today, reached out to get what I needed and have decided to do something about it once I get some sleep tonight.

*** WARNING: Sad story to follow ***

My dad passed away 4 years ago, in front of my then 5 year old daughter and my mom, less than an hour after visiting my daughter's school for grandparent visitation day. My dad always loved to take lots of pictures and had a 35mm camera that he took pictures with that day. No one in the family - including myself - has had the heart to finish that roll of film and get it developed, to see the final pictures that he took which, of course, include my daughter.

Now, 4 years later, I contacted my mom to get a hold of the camera and am taking it to a camera shop first thing to see if the roll of film can be developed.

I am SO sad and SO anxious to take this step....I haven't really accepted the fact that my dad is truly gone and haven't fully grieved his death. I love him dearly. I also have a lot of "unfinished business" when it comes to the physical and emotional abuse from my parents which I still tend to blame myself for.

I am hoping this endeavor will be a step towards progress....Wish me luck.

Good Luck MUE.....Its great that you have found a "way" to grieve the loss of your dad. It sounds like taking this step in and of itself is so much more important than what pictures will be on the roll of film....

from experience, I know a "walk down memory lane" can be taxing....be kind to yourself in the process.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, Readytostop....

I got a phone call this morning from a friend who needed my help, so I wasn't able to take this step when I wanted to....I am determined to do it later today or tomorrow. I'm scared of the emotions that it will bring up, but I know I need to do this. Maybe I will get the pictures developed and bring them to my next session with T to look at for the first time....so I can have his support through it....

[Kacey2]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Thanks, Readytostop....

I got a phone call this morning from a friend who needed my help, so I wasn't able to take this step when I wanted to....I am determined to do it later today or tomorrow. I'm scared of the emotions that it will bring up, but I know I need to do this. Maybe I will get the pictures developed and bring them to my next session with T to look at for the first time....so I can have his support through it....

MUE that is a great idea! What a way to grieve and celebrate your dad all at once. It sounds very overwhelming I know but it also sounds like an opportunity for a very sweet intimate moment with t.

[laceylu]