[learning1]

My t surprised me by bringing up the topic of what I physically look like and whether I'm comfortable with it. I'm having a hard time not taking it as criticism. But I'm trying not to. He said he wants me to feel confident about it. The suggestion that I watch some stupid-sounding tv show about how to look like a model kinda sucks. And I'm always kinda mad about how the world expects women to spend so much more energy on our appearance than men, especially those of us who don't naturally conform to popular standards of attractiveness. My brain is telling me this is going to hurt my feelings more if I try to disagree with t than if I don't. Maybe I'm not disagreeing with him anyway- he wants me to be happy, right?

If I'm lucky, he'll have forgotten about it next week and be on to some other topic. I'm afraid he won't. Oh well, I 'spose there are more unpleasant things to talk about than this.

Anyone else cover this topic with your t?

[PTSDlovemycats]

What did he actually say to you??

[swimmergirl]

Learning,

My T has NEVER commented on how I look, EVER. I would feel very uncomfortable if he did...........especially since sometimes I look like crap. I don't deal with an eating disorder or body dysmorphia or anything like that. It might be different in those situations.
On a lighter note though.........once I wore sandals to therapy and the next week he did as well. I started noticing a pattern with that, it was kind of obvious he was trying to help me feel more at ease but I thought it was cute.

[BlessedRhiannon]

My T will occasionally comment on what I'm wearing, or a new haircut, or a piece of jewelry, but it's always a complement or just an observation (like "that color looks nice on you" or "did you get your hair cut?") She never makes any comments on my physical appearance. BUT, she also knows that would be triggering for me. She works with a lot of ED clients, so I imagine she is very careful about what she says regarding physical appearance.

[SpiritRunner]

My T said I had beautiful hair and that a certain hairstyle was becoming to me, once.....but other than that, no, she doesn't make comments on my physical appearance. She makes a point of NOT making comments about it, I think.....

[franki_j]

Originally Posted by BlessedRhiannon

My T will occasionally comment on what I'm wearing, or a new haircut, or a piece of jewelry, but it's always a complement or just an observation (like "that color looks nice on you" or "did you get your hair cut?") She never makes any comments on my physical appearance. BUT, she also knows that would be triggering for me. She works with a lot of ED clients, so I imagine she is very careful about what she says regarding physical appearance.

Oh that's interesting! My therapist also works w a lot of ed clients, and she does the same thing. Like she'll make a comment that I'm dressed for summer or that she likes my new hairdo or whatever, but nothing abt my physical appearance. I've always wondered abt those comments, being that she prob has to be careful abt cooments on apperance.

[Flooded]

A friend found this quote..

"You Don’t Have to Be Pretty. You don’t owe prettiness to anyone. Not to your boyfriend/spouse/partner, not to your co-workers, especially not to random men on the street. You don’t owe it to your mother, you don’t owe it to your children, you don’t owe it to civilization in general. Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked “female”."

[sunrise]

I think suggesting you watch a TV show about how to look like a model is out of line. Why does he think you want to look like a model? If you didn't tell him that, it seems like he is trying to get you to look the way he thinks you should look, and that is really not up to him. You have your own sense of style, fashion, etc.

My T has occasionally commented on something I have worn to session that he likes, such as a necklace or my shoes. But beyond that, he has said nothing.

My PNP has mentioned my weight to me, but I think that is within her scope of practice.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by learning1

My t surprised me by bringing up the topic of what I physically look like and whether I'm comfortable with it. I'm having a hard time not taking it as criticism. But I'm trying not to. He said he wants me to feel confident about it. The suggestion that I watch some stupid-sounding tv show about how to look like a model kinda sucks. And I'm always kinda mad about how the world expects women to spend so much more energy on our appearance than men, especially those of us who don't naturally conform to popular standards of attractiveness. My brain is telling me this is going to hurt my feelings more if I try to disagree with t than if I don't. Maybe I'm not disagreeing with him anyway- he wants me to be happy, right?

If I'm lucky, he'll have forgotten about it next week and be on to some other topic. I'm afraid he won't. Oh well, I 'spose there are more unpleasant things to talk about than this.

Anyone else cover this topic with your t?

So, maybe you ought to suggest your T watch Dr. Phil or Monk or The Soprano's to see how to look like a therapist ....

[lastyearisblank]

This reminds me of my ex who would pinch back my upper arm back until it was like a taut, model like stick and say, "you would be so much prettier if your arm was like this!" God he was obnoxious. Guess what? My arms still don't look like sticks. And they never will. I do yoga with them. I carry books, groceries, and furniture. I play my guitar. Sometimes I sleep on them. I need my arms to have muscle and fat on them.

Still, I think these little criticisms do get to us. It bothered me. Subconsciously. Until I watched a Julia Robert movie a few weeks ago (Julia Roberts! One of the most beautiful women in the movies! Basically a human giraffe) and noticed that HER arms are a little wobbly too at the top-- they're NOT like sticks.

Whew.

I have noticed that a lot of men see "potential" in a good woman. It comes with the territory. The tricky thing is to surround yourself with people who see the value in a good woman. Like so many people are almost literally blind to what is around them.

Is your therapist going to help you on this quest?

[granite1]

my t did comment on my hair every once and a while if i dont get it cut she has mentioned my cloths and scars that she has seen but nothing really judgemental.just concern when i wasnt taking care of my hair like i usually do

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by learning1

Anyone else cover this topic with your t?

My T once told me he liked the way I dressed. He is really conservative, and I am off beat and funky, so some times he looks at me like I have two heads. He made a comment once about a co-worker who dyed her hair pink, and I could tell he disapproved but he has never said anything about my pink spikes. We'll see what he says next week because I am getting rid of the pink and adding neon orange highlights today...lol.

Originally Posted by Flooded

A friend found this quote..

really good quote...except I think a lot of women want to be pretty just for themselves.

Originally Posted by ECHOES

So, maybe you ought to suggest your T watch Dr. Phil or Monk or The Soprano's to see how to look like a therapist ....

omg!!! ROFL!!!

Oh wow. I am super triggered by feeling like I'm being "checked out" so that would have bothered me.

My T has never said anything about how I look. He may have said "pretty" once in a long list of words that were supposed to replace a long list of old words I have about myself in my head. But that's it.

I have long hair, and once during my therapy, I got a lot cut off...like up to my shoulders. T didn't say ANYTHING, but it was SO obvious.

He did comment on my shoes once when I wore something besides Birkenstocks

If you brought up your appearance first, then I could see him commenting on in, but even then, only in a curious way...like "what would you like to change about your appearance?".

[dizgirl2011]

My T has made a few comments to me about things and I never feel comfortable when she does. I think she thinks shes helping when she has done it.
She did say how she thinks I hide myself with what I wear, as at times i didnt take off my coat and I usually always were some form of jacket. She was saying how I use it as a barrier. She has talked a lot about diet and exercise since I am over weight and have had eating disorders too. When I tell her I am uncomfortable about it she says shes not talking about my weight but about being healthy etc but it always got on my nerves. She is very slim small and extremely pretty so to talk about such stuff when I am really overweight right now is horrible and it does make me self conscious.
I can't remember exact comments, she doesnt say "oh your fat" or anything like that but its more than I feel self conscious and even the comment she made about hiding by wearing jackets etc made me think "omg she's taking note of what i am wearing".

It seems really wrong for a therapist to suggest to a client that they watch a show geared at making women into models. was there a reason for watching this particular type of show? Was it for you to see the self confidence of the women or something?

*huge hugs*

[with or without you]

She comments on my expressions, but never on my looks or what I'm wearing etc.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by with or without you

She comments on my expressions, but never on my looks or what I'm wearing etc.

My T comments on my looks or what I'm wearing etc, but never on my expressions!

but it's not hard to imagine that my expressions run from A to B....

a) all compliments make me extremely wary. (shelds up!)

b) any comments that are not obviously intended as compliments are interpreted as criticism. (shields up!)

Hmm. He'll comment on my facial affect when he can see the depression on my face. We've talked occasionally about weight since my meds have made this an issue. Other than that, no, he doesn't comment much about appearances.

[murray]

My T has commented very rarely on my appearance. Early in my therapy he said that my smile put others at ease. When I cut off all of my hair he commented on it and asked if I often made such drastic changes. I have also gained a lot of weight recently so he has mentioned that as it is due to stress. It seems that the few times that he has mentioned my appearance have been for therapuetic reasons.

I'm wondering if the show he suggested was How to Look Good Naked, as that also talks a lot about self esteem and loving yourself as you are and feeling confident in your own skin. Otherwise I can't see a reason to suggest a show on appearances.

[learning1]

tHANKS for all the comments everyone and I'll respond more later. Murray, no, the show had the word Model in the title, but t did say it was partly about self confidence. Sounded like it was also about outward physical appearance. There's a fine line between those two things, but I don't like it when people, men especially, imply that if you're just more self-confident you'll be beautiful. They sometimes haven't got a clue about the amount of time that fussing with makeup, hair, etcetera can steal from women. And sometimes they don't realize that hair and makeup are what are affecting a woman's appearance- they think it's just "confidence".

I don't get tv, so I'm not likely to see the show to decide about it for myself, and that's not what I want to spend my time on (which t seemed to approve of when I explained I don't get tv).

Hm... yes, I guess she says stuff about my appearance sometimes. Mostly for reassurance probably, because I consider myself fat & ugly. She'll say things like "you're so tiny" or "you're a very pretty person, you have a lovely face" "you have great hair" things like that. It doesn't ever bother me.

[sittingatwatersedge]

>> sometimes they don't realize that hair and makeup are what are affecting a woman's appearance- they think it's just "confidence".

or not!!!

when I was in my teens, my parents had a friend who was about halfway between my age and theirs. He brought various girlfriends with him when he came to visit, and one day he told us that he had proposed to a certain girl - one who reallllllllllly overdid it in the makeup department. He said, the thing he loved about her was that she was so natural. I coughed....He really had no idea that she wore anything.

Before the wedding she told me confidentially that she was petrified, and was planning to get up an hour or two before him, every day, forever, so that she could put her "face" on before he saw her. I felt very badly for her, even at that age I could tell how poorly she thought of her real self. I hope they are happy - two very nice people really.

[BethD1980]

My T will tell me she likes my outfit or my hair or something of that nature, or comment that she noticed ive lost weight, but other than that, thats about it.
Beth

t has never commented on anything like that. one time he did ask how much weight i had lost, more out of concern; i think
i usually wear sweats (grey) and a big-big t-shirt when i go to t. no make up, no glasses... just tennis shoes and sweats! i think to hide???

i don't know what i would do if t commented on my appearance. i do not think i would like it at all

sending safe hugs

[learning1]

Originally Posted by sunrise

I think suggesting you watch a TV show about how to look like a model is out of line. Why does he think you want to look like a model? If you didn't tell him that, it seems like he is trying to get you to look the way he thinks you should look, and that is really not up to him. You have your own sense of style, fashion, etc.

My T has occasionally commented on something I have worn to session that he likes, such as a necklace or my shoes. But beyond that, he has said nothing.

My PNP has mentioned my weight to me, but I think that is within her scope of practice.

The way he brought it up was by asking what other people (friends I was talking about) think I look like, and then asking whether I'm comfortable with what I look like. Those are somewhat legitimate questions, but it does bother me that he brought it up when I didn't say I'm concerned about it. I'm not terribly confident about how I look, but, then again, other than health related things, spending more effort on how I look is really not a priority for me to spend my time on now. I think my lack of confidence reflects the reality that our culture doesn't tend to approve of enough variety of appearances for women. I would rather acknowledge the reality that strangers are not going to tend to see me as beautiful than to put a lot of effort into trying to conform. So I guess I should try to explain this to t.

Originally Posted by ECHOES

So, maybe you ought to suggest your T watch Dr. Phil or Monk or The Soprano's to see how to look like a therapist ....

hehe

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

This reminds me of my ex who would pinch back my upper arm back until it was like a taut, model like stick and say, "you would be so much prettier if your arm was like this!" God he was obnoxious. Guess what? My arms still don't look like sticks. And they never will. I do yoga with them. I carry books, groceries, and furniture. I play my guitar. Sometimes I sleep on them. I need my arms to have muscle and fat on them.

Still, I think these little criticisms do get to us. It bothered me. Subconsciously. Until I watched a Julia Robert movie a few weeks ago (Julia Roberts! One of the most beautiful women in the movies! Basically a human giraffe) and noticed that HER arms are a little wobbly too at the top-- they're NOT like sticks.

Whew.

I have noticed that a lot of men see "potential" in a good woman. It comes with the territory. The tricky thing is to surround yourself with people who see the value in a good woman. Like so many people are almost literally blind to what is around them.

Is your therapist going to help you on this quest?

a Chinese guy I dated briefly did that thing with my arms too, lyib. It was over 10 years ago and I still remember, so I guess it did get to me. And my arms were practically sticks, especially by US standards.

Originally Posted by treehouse

Oh wow. I am super triggered by feeling like I'm being "checked out" so that would have bothered me.

My T has never said anything about how I look. He may have said "pretty" once in a long list of words that were supposed to replace a long list of old words I have about myself in my head. But that's it.

I have long hair, and once during my therapy, I got a lot cut off...like up to my shoulders. T didn't say ANYTHING, but it was SO obvious.

He did comment on my shoes once when I wore something besides Birkenstocks

If you brought up your appearance first, then I could see him commenting on in, but even then, only in a curious way...like "what would you like to change about your appearance?".

Yeah, the fact that it was his idea to bring it up bothers me.

Originally Posted by dizgirl2011

My T has made a few comments to me about things and I never feel comfortable when she does. I think she thinks shes helping when she has done it.
She did say how she thinks I hide myself with what I wear, as at times i didnt take off my coat and I usually always were some form of jacket. She was saying how I use it as a barrier. She has talked a lot about diet and exercise since I am over weight and have had eating disorders too. When I tell her I am uncomfortable about it she says shes not talking about my weight but about being healthy etc but it always got on my nerves. She is very slim small and extremely pretty so to talk about such stuff when I am really overweight right now is horrible and it does make me self conscious.
I can't remember exact comments, she doesnt say "oh your fat" or anything like that but its more than I feel self conscious and even the comment she made about hiding by wearing jackets etc made me think "omg she's taking note of what i am wearing".

It seems really wrong for a therapist to suggest to a client that they watch a show geared at making women into models. was there a reason for watching this particular type of show? Was it for you to see the self confidence of the women or something?

*huge hugs*

Yeah, he did talk about self confidence, but it was pretty clear he meant more than just that. He talked about how they use stretching. Yeah right, that's going to make a lot of difference.

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

>> sometimes they don't realize that hair and makeup are what are affecting a woman's appearance- they think it's just "confidence".

or not!!!

when I was in my teens, my parents had a friend who was about halfway between my age and theirs. He brought various girlfriends with him when he came to visit, and one day he told us that he had proposed to a certain girl - one who reallllllllllly overdid it in the makeup department. He said, the thing he loved about her was that she was so natural. I coughed....He really had no idea that she wore anything.

Before the wedding she told me confidentially that she was petrified, and was planning to get up an hour or two before him, every day, forever, so that she could put her "face" on before he saw her. I felt very badly for her, even at that age I could tell how poorly she thought of her real self. I hope they are happy - two very nice people really.

Wow, that's quite a story and it sure confirms what I was thinking. I hope the couple is happy too.

[deliquesce]

i'm not your prototypical "fashionable" person, but i do put effort into my appearance and enjoy shopping for clothes/having outfits etc.

pdoc, austin-t and old-t have all commented on my appearance - what i wear, how much i weigh, makeup, earrings etc. they are all male, and sometimes it was simply an "you're particularly attractive today" type comment, which was a little odd but not inappropriate. actually, i think many of my GPs (female) have, also, so i dont see it as a problem. i haven't ever found it inappropriate, though sometimes it has made me uncomfortable (as many things do in therapy!).

fwiw - stretching is one thing i actually am trying to work on. i'm rather petite so i've never needed to exercise to stay 'slim', but stretching actually is something that can help boost self confidence and also has a large positive effect on health and wellbeing.

also, my Ts have brought up topics with me which i haven't brought up because that's just them doing their job. seeing me as a whole person and wanting to check out various aspects of who i am and what needs working on. i doubt your T was judging you - if you explained it wasn't something that bothered you, then i'm sure he would drop it. but if it was something you wanted to work on, then maybe his questioning was just an avenue of bringing up a topic you were unsure how to bring up yourself? i hope that makes sense???