its not enough

*safe hugs, only if you want*

i mailed her a letter this morning.i know i am going to be introuble for it but whatever.so she stops seeing me because i cant adhear to boundries or whatever. this is what i wrote to her.

dear T

i was going to send you out this long temper tantrumming letter filled with all kinds of crap running around in my head,but i just dont have the energy.this is all i have,my life just seems to be falling apart,and i just wish i wasnt here.i cant even come up with words to speak about what it has been like.i guess it doesnt matter you arn't here ,nobody is and it sucks. i mean it is what is is and it sucks

if you are reading this you have obviously read the letter and i want to say thanks.i know i'm not supose to send e-mail or letters and whatever else may come as a consequence of my sending you this.i don't see how things could be worse.i just don't have the energy to make myself care.it's whatever.i tried to make it short

thank you
granite

dear granite, I don't see how she could be mad about a cry for help like you sent to her......you told her how you feel and what your pain is, and that is important stuff you shared! very brave of you to share it.
I am so sorry it's so hard right now.....for what it's worth, I can relate to the not having energy to keep on part. But somehow, you need to keep trying, whatever it takes, you need to keep trying and believe that you are worth rescuing and be willing to rescue yourself! gosh, I KNOW how hard it is, but I also believe you have the strength and will to do it.....you have made it this far, you can keep trying!

it is so hard every day i feel like is this the day that things are going to go to far .when SI isnt going to be enough when nothing will keep me from completely loosing it.i cant believe she is gone for another two weeks she just got back from me not seeing her for two weeks.i saw her once.it so feels like she just doesnt want to see me.i dont know why i dont abuse her say bad things to her get angry or anything.the worst i ever get is what i wrote in the letter.Thats it.and i know now thare will be even stricter boundries because i sent her that stupid letter.but i cant talk i really did try but i was so angry and hurt i just couldnt.i think she knows this also because she said at one point.i guess today isnt a day you are able to share anything and thats ok..i dont think she would have wanted to hear what i was feeling at the time.it wouldnt have been good

it feels like she is like nothing matters to her at all.i feel like she absouitly hates me and doesnt want to work with me

It may feel that way, but that is NOT the reality. Her being gone has nothing to do with you. She isn't rejecting you. She's simply going to be gone.

i am so angry and hurt but mostly scared i cant hold it together untill i see her again.i am so tired i dont know if i want to.i know it is hard to understand that not wanting to but i am so tired

i have spent so much time trying to believe this it is getting harder to see any evidence that she cares at all.i am tired of looking any more.i really am

you can hold, granite, you can! holding on, no matter how hard it is, is the best thing to do.....you don't want to let go. hold on, there is strength for each day, strength for the day.....you only need enough strength for today, and then, when tomorrow comes, you can find strength for that day then.....

granite, your letter was honest, short and to the point. I don't see how your T can object to your asking for help, even if it's in writing!!!

She's not going away because she doesn't want to work with you. She doesn't hate you! I hope you can think about that and see your twisted thinking.

I hope you feel better and please, stay safe. I care about you tons!!!

It can feel this way when T's own private life becomes apparent. They get to have their own lives and all that goes with it. And like us, they like to relax and rest sometimes. Like you have done - going to the beach, going on trips, etc.

It's hard but you can talk to her (or not talk to her ...) when she comes back. You can feel all the feelings you have about it too, and it would be another great thing to talk about with her!

i'm thinking part of my problem in T was once she told me she wasnt going to be there next week i just shut down completely.to me she was already gone.i know it felt that way and continues to feel this way big time.it is so hard to know that she is still in her office but not for meand the same thing next week

Good awareness!
Do you think it could be protection? (not having to feel the hurt, loss of her being there, etc)
Or retaliation? ("if you push me away, then I'm going to push you away")

total denial and total awareness.my head buried in the sand saying if i totally ignore all of it to the point that i don't even see her sitting in front of me none of this is going to happen.but yet already gone .kind of like a kid screaming in my head i hate you for this,fine go away grrr grrr grretc...all the time wasting the time i have because someplace i don't believe it is going to happen.she just cant be going away again.that is just crazy.all non verbal because of the totally paralyzing fear that if i ever said out loud these horrible things out loud it can only bring pain and punishment.safer to just keep quiet and it will all pass

i really wannted her here to help me with the stuff that is going on.i was even starting to talk to her a little about it

(((((( granite ))))))

I'm so sorry that you are struggling so much right now. Please try to take care of yourself. Try not to take on assumptions about how your T feels about you or judging yourself. That's not fair to you and only brings on more pain.

The idea of talking about what goes on in your head and how you feel would only bring pain and punishment is important. Do you understand where this is coming from? Do you truly believe that if you share these things with T that it will cause pain and punishment?

I hope you are able to find some times of peace through this. You deserve that.

((( HUGS )))

MUE at the time i felt this with every part of me.i can look at it now and say how could this be.how could my T hurt me or more or less why.but i do panic about it.i guess it comes from my past but i cant even look at that at all

These ^ are why you aren't speaking.

Why are you avoiding your husband?

yes these are some of the reasons i'm having a hard time speaking.this and i think i am so angry at her now i dont care to put myself through the pain of trying to speak.why?

i am really having a hard time interacting with anyone right now and it is best if i just stay away and in my own world because i dont think i can do any good for him or anyone right now.i will just take anything he may say to heart and it just hard better to avoid the situation.

all this said i am having a prity good day today and that is awsome.i have a big weekend comming and i dont see this lasting but for now i am calm and ill take it

((((((((((((Big Hugs!!))))))))))))))

thanks .i havnt heard much from you i am glad you are ok

Your Welcome. And thanks. I mostly just have the one thread right now "Don't want to go to T". I am still always reading others posts though!