Worried about T session today

I had an appt to see my T on Wednesday and her secretary called me this morning and said that she would have to cancel my appt for Wednesday but they had an opening this afternoon, and of course I took it. During the call the secretary mentioned that she had hoped I could re-schedule for today since my T will be gone pretty much the rest of the MONTH. After I hung up the phone my heart completely sank. It's only the beginning of June and the thought of having to go the rest of the month without seeing my T is devastating to me. I'm the kind of person that needs consistency and when something changes I have panic attacks. I honestly hope she made a mistake and meant the rest of the week, not the rest of the month. I'm really scared right now because for the past 3 years I've been seeing my T every week, except a week here and there when she was gone. But I'm really worried that I won't be able to see her for the rest of the month, and am also concerned about what is going with her that would make her take off so much time. Part of me feels like she won't come back and that scares me so much. I just don't know how I'm going to get through this. I took a xanax to help calm me down right now, but I can't help but worry about what my T is going to tell me today.

Update: It's true, she's going to be gone for several weeks. She told me that she knows I'll be okay but I honestly think she's wrong. I told her I am worried that she won't come back and she assured me that she will be back. I knew I shouldn't have let myself get too attached to her, I knew something would happen. I'm so scared right now and I feel so alone.

((((((((Dani)))))))))

Ugh, it's so hard when T is away for a long time. I'm sorry you have that looming ahead of you.

Is there something between "T is leaving and I never should have gotten attached" and "T is here and it's okay to be attached"? Can it be true that it's okay to be attached, the attachment is healthy and good and healing, AND that T is going to be gone and then come back?

I hope we can support you while T is gone.

It's hard to see it that way. To me it feels like abandonment and that I'm being punished for getting too close. I know I'm not thinking clearly right now. It's just hard to cope knowing that she's not there and I have no one else to talk to.

I would be feeling the same way even though I know rationally my T would be back.It takes me some time to calm down the emotional part of it and then i have to talk my self through each day. I was abandoned by a T though, he lost his license so I am overly sensitive to it. Has some one abandoned you before? Can you arrange any kind of contact like e-mail or phone?

Your T didnt arrange for someone else to see patients while gone? That is really a long time to go without seeing someone when you are used to going once a week. If it helps, you can private message me for someone to talk to. Im not a therapist but I am a social worker so I can listen for you. The important thing to tell yourself is that your T is coming back and that you can make it through this time. You have lots of support here at PC.

(((((((Dani))))))) I'm sorry if what I wrote felt invalidating...I really do SO get this. And I'm really sorry it feels so awful. I know I would feel the same way. It would take me a while to find the "middle place", if I ever managed to!

T and I had an ONGOING rupture once over his many many many vacations one summer. It's just hard.

Sending (((((hugs)))) and support

Dani, just keep posting and posting and posting and pc will support you whilst t is gone...

sending safe hugs

I can't remember anyone abandoning me before, this just feels like she doesn't even care that I'm going through a lot emotionally right now and need support. She doesn't do any outside contact like email, but occasionally she'll let me call her at her office, but she's going to be gone, so that's not going to be possible.

No she didn't even suggest anyone else that I could see while she's away, I felt like she didn't even care. At the end of the session she said that time was up and she needed to let me go, and then it was like "by the way I'm going to be gone for the next 3 weeks". I know she could tell how upset I was but I doubt she really cared.

No no, don't worry, what you wrote was fine. I'm just in a bad state of mind right now and I know I'm not thinking clearly and it's hard to not see things as black/white. If she's gone, then I feel like she doesn't care anymore and is abandoning me.

I'll try to post more here to get support, but right now I'm in a really bad place and I'm just trying to keep myself safe.