going to hospital

she said not to say stuff like this if I didn't mean it (which I really did mean it, sadly enough.....) and also that there is no other option, no other choice, but to live.....she made me promise in specific words that i would do nothing to hurt myself, that I wouldn't go anywhere, that I wouldn't drive to WalMart and buy a gun specifically......told me that she had been about to call the police and really thought I should be in the hospital.
Called my H too and he said she was all in a tiff about how he should get home immediately and make sure I stayed safe and that I shouldn't be alone.....so now he is finding someone who can stay with us 24.7......grrrr.....

What is it that you would prefer your therapist and husband to do? You say that you don't want to go to the hospital, and that you don't want someone to be at your home 24/7. If you had a friend who was going through what you are going through, what would you suggest?

You have your precious children at home with you. How can you assure their safety (as well as yours), when you get to the point of SUI? Would you want them to suffer?

I think that you must do one or the other. This is not going to go away on its on. You need some direction and help here. I think that you do have the support of your therapist, your church, PC, and (yes) your husband.

What would you do if this were your husband doing the things you have done lately? What would you want him to do? Would you be overwhelmed, stressed, and frustrated? I, personally, think he is at his wits end and does not know what to do to help you.

How awful. I know you don't have internet access all the time but people here still care ok?

(((((((pg)))))))

Can you call your pdoc and let him know what's going on? I wonder if any of this is a med side effect?

A few years ago (pre-therapy), I had a bad fall down the stairs and had whiplash. I went to the dr and they gave me percoset (I think it was percoset). I was taking it as prescribed, because it did help the pain. One day I realized I was having so many sui thoughts. I was standing in the kitchen looking at the bottle and considering taking the whole thing. NOTHING had changed in my life, but I was ready to just end it all.

I read the side effects of the med and sui ideation was one of the side effects. I called the dr and told them what was going on and they switched me to a different med and the thoughts totally went away.

Someone I know successfully killed herself last year shortly after starting a new anti-depressant. I don't know for sure, but there was some thought that the meds themselves led to her taking that action.

PLEASE call your p-doc. Tell him how serious this feels. If you are on new meds, ALL of this could really really really be related to that.

The value in being in the hospital is that you will be in a physically safe place where you will be supervised so you will not hurt yourself. Also, you meds can be monitored and readjusted if needed. It is not unusual for people to leave the hospital and then return a few days or weeks later. I've had to do that myself. No one gave me any reason to feel embarassed. Rather, they were glad that I knew enough to go back in when I wasn't well.

The other value is that if you are actively suicidal, the pressure and anxiety that your family and friends are feeling is very high. I have come to realize that taking care of myself by going into the hospital is also taking care of my friends and family. Your children especially deserve to have you alive and well.

you are right, squiggle. my attitude and actions recently really suck. I don't know how the feelings, etc. are going to change.....I wish they simply would just change, but that isn't happening. I feel as crappy today as yesterday, as much like giving up......I know I am not in my right mind at all. I probably am not safe to have around the kids alone.......even if H does shut off the internet at certain times of the day, it doesn't guarantee anymore that I will feel like coming out of my room to read them stories or play with them, because something has happened in me that has taken all the 'want to' and strength out of me to do my daily duties.....whether it's depression or what I don't understand anymore.
The internet will go off at 9 here and then be off until 12......so then i will try to do normal things......but my heart and will have simply withered within me.....
yes, what can H do for me? what can T do for me? what can PC do for me? what can my church do for me? what can God do for me? I think I may be beyond help, unless something within me changes....

Maybe that unhappiness means something. It could genuinely be time for a change. When we get completely suicidal, we often feel like we want to stop living. But sometimes we just want to stop living THIS LIFE. I hope something comes your way soon that gives you some freedom. This post-hospital routine just seems so invalidating and sucky and hard.

yes, it does......I simply need a better attitude, that is all.....

This seems to have all started when you began meds? Is that right?

yes..............

I do understand why your husband is limiting the internet. We can get so caught up in fantasy land that we do not live in real life. Yes, I do this as well.

That being said, I also understand how cutting off your contact to the 'outside world' can cause extreme anxiety. We have 3 computers. Two of them crashed last week, so we are down to one!! That means the entire family scrambles to get 'their turn'!! This makes the ugly side of me come out really quick!!

This tells me that I am obsessed with the internet and I need to get that in check!! I need to be doing things around the house and be spending time with my family. There is nothing wrong with having online friends and support groups. Lord knows where I would be if I did not have them.

I am sorry that you have gotten to this point. I know it feels terribly bad. Many of us in here have been where you are. This will pass, but going through it is (hell). I sure hope that they get your meds straightened out!

I'm sorry you still feel so bad. If it's the meds, then it's not YOU. Maybe the meds have to change, not YOU. Can you find something to feel happy about? Something small, like your baby's smile? Your kids' laughter? Do something creative with them, just have fun and try to live in the moment? What did your T suggest? You said you were seeing a new pdoc? Do you have an appointment? I think your old one screwed you up!

I wish you peace and a way out of the misery you're in. I'll pray for you.

((((((poet)))))

This seems SO med-related to me. I really really think it's worth it to check back into the hospital until the med thing is sorted out. When I had my experience with the percoset, it made me see SO CLEARLY how meds can mess with our thinking. (I am on wellbutrin now and it's great, so I am not anti-med...but I do think caution is important).

Please reconsider the hospital.

I really think that this is likely med related PG. The only times that I have ever beccome suicidal enoguh that my Pdoc admitted me to hospital was when I was on medication. Maybe you could bring this up with your T??

I believe that you need more than just simply a better attitude. You can't do this by wishing it away, or hoping it will pass, or praying it away. Been there done that. It does not work. At least it did not for me.

It sounds like you are beating yourself up again. Feeling like a failure? That is the worst thing you can do. I know that is easier said than done. I wish there was a magic pill or magic words to say to make this all go away, but there aren't.

I have had really bad reactions to meds and had to go to the ER. I still remember the ER doctor pulling my husband aside and telling him I was nuts! Well, he was wrong!!!

I was not making up those symptoms and reactions. How can you make yourself go into a seizure? How can you make yourself pass out? How can you make your words slur and your pupils dilate??

Hang in there...........it will get better......

pgirl, I remember you going to therapy and working on things and then your T wanted you to try meds to help you feel better. It seems like you are feeling worse after starting meds. Maybe they should try you on no meds and see what happens?

It could be med-related.....but I have skipped my meds the last 2 nights and feel worse than ever, except for my knees NOT hurting now, as they usually did on meds (new pdoc said meds could not be making my knees hurt.....except that the other 2 did this same thing, and when I wasn't on them, the feeling went away....so I think that they do cause this pain....)
No, I have to disagree though and say that I think a vast portion of this is my mindset and my thinking, which clearly is disordered and undisciplined.Yes, part of it is a depression, which did begin when I had been off Abilify a few days, before I started Geodon. Since being on Geodon, and now Risperdal, the depression has continued unabated and worsened......somewhere in there, this obsessive fear with my H dying began. Somewhere in there, I gained insight into how utterly incompetent I am in so many areas, how I have let my H take care of things in so many ways, and I began to feel overwhelmed at the thought of learning and doing so many things. I began to feel overwhelmed at the thought of actually raising the 4 kids and all the work that will be involved in that, the neverending cycle of work and more things to keep track of as they grow older and get into school......the neverending cycle of laundry, providing food and clothing for growing kids (which, with money a huge worry, how can that be done. sheesh, going to the grocery store seems a daunting task anymore.....and I WAS doing OK with that, with planning meals and making a grocery list, and now it seems too much to do even that....) So, when I look at the future, even if my H lives another 30 years, I see never ending drudgery and I am simply not willing for it.....not believing that I am capable of it....
I cannot let go of these thoughts enough to believe that I can live and be happy and count it joy to do the work.....
I don't think this is all meds, these thoughts. I think that this has been a long time coming, these insights, and this manner of thinking, and this reaction......it's a deep rooted part of the warped way I am and think....I don't believe I can change, is the problem.

Ahhh, so maybe the meds brought awareness and this awareness increased the depression? I had a similar process this week by becoming more aware of my lack of friends (previously I was responding unconsciously keeping people away from me). Now that it is conscious it is like "I got what I wanted" and I felt terrible.

So your feelings of not being capable, are these driving this?

Your comments about drudgery, I was painting our master bathroom yesterday and I was having mean thoughts because I am working all the time and not having fun with friends!

Sending you bunches of hugs. Hope all goes well. Take care!

yes, possibly the awareness increased the depression. and the awareness will not go away, i cannot stick my head back in the sand so to speak......so now I have the insight into what I have been lacking, but I am still lacking. and now I have the depression weighing me down, and the depression makes it harder to correct what is lacking, maybe makes it feel like what is lacking cannot be corrected - and in some respects, I think some things cannot be corrected. in other senses, I see that yes, I should take hope in the fact I can learn many things I need to.......but going deeper, there is a very deepset, deep rooted unwillingness to do the work. maybe even too tired emotionally to muster up the energy and will to do the work.....a desire to avoid the work and the responsibility. very selfish, indeed. but the depression is so deep it makes it hard to lift my self up.......I think I am seeing that my depression is resistant to meds, and resistant in part because it is a very deeply rooted part of me I feel won't ever be different, because it comes from a place meds can't touch, can't help. it may be the way my brain is wired, not merely a chemical imbalance, so to speak...so the meds do nothing but give me side effects. and with the meds and without the meds, i still have the wierd wiring that won't change......efforts to think positively aren't going to change the way my brain in structured or wired, exactly.....at least, i don't believe so....

I think that people are depressed because of what they experienced and what they learned (in addition to the genetic predisposition - you need both to develop any disorder, the genetics and the environment). Therefore, all of these things can be worked on.

What thoughts/feelings are tied into wanting to avoid the work and responsibility?

that it's too hard for me to do....that I am incompetent, incapable, very weak mentally/emotionally/spiritually.....

This is what needs to be worked on then.

merely staying alive is what most has to be worked on right now, and that is the hardest thing right now......if I could convince myself it's all worth it, then yes, I could start working on that other stuff, but i don't have the will to work on it right now....

bleh, almost time for my internet to go off, and then what......