going to hospital

I hope your T helps, poetgirl. You're NOT whiny; you can come here for support as much as you need to. It's not your fault that you feel so bad.

PG

Just read this entire post. My heart breaks for you. I understand your fears of being afraid of your H death. My H and I just adopted a 16 day old baby boy and a 16 month old little girl. I am also scared that something could happen and I will be all alone.
I just want you to know I am praying for you and hope you have a easier day. Be good to yourself. Treat yourself with something you love. You deserve it.

You better stick around PG! We need you here!!

T doesn't know what to do with me either......when I talked about (triiggerrr!!!) ending things, she said I don't really mean what I say, but I actually think I do......HELP!

No you don't. "those" kind of thoughts are about distracting and avoiding things. Not your TRUE wants. Take care of yourself Sweetie!

I actually do, I think.....even though, as T said, I am not thinking clearly, I am thinking clearly enough to know that I am very tired of all this slogging.....my whole life has been spent doing that, slogging through one episode to another, I haven't changed, I am still as borderline as h e l l and always will be, I am too tired.....and in a huge amount of pain, both emotional and physical......
I called WalMart about gu**.......expensive things......

Jesus. Do you think you could try calling your T??

T is busy and probably won't call back before 5......I am not going back to hospital, anyway.....
I am either going to pull through this or be somewhere else at the end of the day and I don't know how to pull through so maybe.....

PG, you've come to the right place. Between us, we have several lifetimes of experience of pulling through when we thought we couldn't.

I understand you're very, very tired. Living this way takes its toll, and it's understandable to feel that you can't go on indefinitely. You don't have to. All you have to do is get through today. If that sounds impossible, then aim for the next hour. Break it down into whatever units feel manageable.

The thing is, being tired makes us feel overwhelmed. And when we feel overwhelmed it's better not to make any important decisions. It's best not to decide about dying today. This isn't the same as tricking you into living forever, or tolerating the intolerable, it's just saying that you don't have to decide today.

Next, normalise your thoughts about dying as far as possible. They can feel really alarming and frightening. But it's just what happens to people when their problems outweigh their resources. There's a lovely site called metanoia you could look up online. This idea of problems vs. resources comes from there.

Try to notice any thoughts you have about 'forever' (I've been doing this forever; I'll be trapped like this forever), and bring yourself back to today. Only today.

Pick something to 'do'. I'm sure the last thing you feel like is doing something when you're so tired. Or perhaps there are things you have to 'do' anyway, if the kids are with you. Try to tie it in with a crisis survival skill- distraction, self soothing, improve the moment, pros and cons. You can read about them here: http://www.truerecovery.org/learning...al-cheat-sheet

Pick one. Commit to trying it for an hour. At the end of the hour, pick another. Write what you've chosen here, if it helps.

I'll be here. This is a crisis. The thing about crises is that as long as we hold tight, in the end, they pass. This will pass. Hold tight. I am holding tight to you.

I am sitting right here, in crisis.....I have never wanted so much to be gone as I do now, but I am home alone and what can I do........I realise all the talk about how selfish it is and how much pain others will be in, but I am in so much pain all that matters is escape......I am finding I do not so much care what happens after me if I could just go and be free.....
except, do suicides really go to hell.....I suppose that is the thing that makes me stop and think, the only thing right now besides the baby calling in her crib....

Poetgirl - please read Improving's suggestions. Force yourself to pay attention and even though you don't feel like it, try some of the ideas. Do it for us and your friends and your family if not for yourself. Read them again and again.

Do you need to call your T?

Although suicide may seem like an escape, my belief is that in the end it is not. So, try to believe that that is not your option right now. It will not take you where you want to go - which is a place of peace.

Can your pdoc give you a sedative or something that can allow you to sleep and get some rest?

I think Sannah has a good thought - call your T!!!! Or call the crisis center or hotline. Do you have the number?

Call 1-800-448-3000 That is the National Suicide Hotline. It will help to have someone to talk to RIGHT NOW

If that's the thought that works for you right now, hold onto it. Hold onto the possibility that dying may make things worse, not better.

Now, pick up the baby. Get into a hot bubble bath with her. Pop her in her pram and go and get ice cream. Give her a massage and pay attention to every single wrinkle and crevice of her body. Put on the loudest happiest music you know, and dance with her till you both feel dizzy. Choose one of these things.

Then choose something else.

One thing in the moment. That's all.

I have numbers, I don't want to call anyone.....
I won't call T, she won't answer because she's in session anyway....

Of course you don't want to call. But force yourself to do it anyways. Make the call. You don't feel like it but make the call.

Do it. Make the call.

just let me go.....

Wonderful advice!!!

It's not a problem with 'us' letting you go. Where do you want to go? To a place of peace, right? Suicide will not take you to that place.

Make the call to hotline!!!!!!

Where are your children at the moment?

who knows, the lord might be more merciful than I know.....

in their beds.....sleeping. one is playing in the hallway. a babysitter is coming in a half hour.....