scared of starting anew

I am moving in 6 weeks. That means 5 more sessions of T because I will be on vacation one of those weeks. And after that, I will be starting over, with a new T, in a new city.

I have been reflecting and realize that each T I see has been a little closer to the T I actually need, a T with experience in my exact difficulties. I started with a lot of different T's who basically just did supportive counseling and didn't know how to help me. Then I saw a T who taught me some CBT skills but inadvertently was very belittling and invalidating. Then I saw a T who rocked (my last T) but who didn't know what to do with my attachment issues and didn't notice my dissociative tendencies. My current T specializes in PTSD and sexual trauma in particular and has been more helpful than any T so far and just totally seems to get my issues.

And NOW she wants me to talk to (and decide if I can afford to see) a world-renowned expert in complex PTSD/dissociation/attachment issues who happens to have a private practice in the city where I will be living. Apparently they know each other and often have met up at conferences AND my T already asked her if she'd be willing to talk with me and see if we can work something out!! I just left her a message.

Okay, it is awesome and I should be really happy that I could maybe see such an expert, right? WELL NO because OMG! What if she belittles my trauma because she's seen a lot worse??? What if I want to be in a frame of mind where I was NEVER traumatized? This like RUINS that because I am already going in with "I am in therapy for trauma" rather than "anxiety" or whatever. What if she is like, oh you are not sick, go away? OR what if she can see right through all my defenses and can just dissect me like a frog in science class?? What if she totally trips up my attachment pattern because she can see it coming, and it's like being kicked out of a moving car, and I might not be able to make it? Or WORSE what if I see her and I trust her that I am ready for trauma processing and then I am NOT ACTUALLY READY and I get kicked out of grad school for losing my freaking mind?????? My thoughts about this are basically out of control and the only thing I've been able to do is look her up EVERYwhere and read all of her bios online and read anything she has written anywhere. So yeah does anyone get where I am coming from on this??

I think you have typical pre-session jitters but you have the added anxiety of a new T AND an 'expert'. I'm not denigrating that new T will be very good but I think we may sometimes give extra wisdom or power to those we deem more qualified.

If this new T is as good as your old T says, she will be very aware of your fears and will never minimize the trauma you went through. She will be gentle and caring and understanding and compassionate. She would never belittle you.

And remember, the T who 'just totally seems to get your issues', is the one who is referring you to the new T. Trust her!!!

((((((jexa))))))

I get being totally anxious, worried, overwhelmed, and having racing thoughts about this new T. I get looking up everything you can find about her too. My T would tell me to meditate for a few minutes to calm down, just pay attention to my breath. Can you try to relax about it any way you can? I know how hard that is, but anticipation of new experiences are usually worse than the experience itself. It will be all right! This new T will know what to do; she sounds good, and you trust your current T. In your next session, can you talk about these feelings with your T? I'm sure she'll be able to reassure you. You have time to do this with 5 sessions left.

the new T will NOT belittle your trauma or minimize it!

((((((((jexa)))))))
My T is a trauma expert and travels working with a national organization that deals with trauma. I know he has heard a lot of hard stories.

He has never, ever, EVER made me feel like my traumas weren't "important" or whatever. Even before we were in the really hard stuff. When he is with me, I feel like he is focused totally on me, my story, my needs, and not comparing me to anyone else. I think that's how a good therapist feels, and it sounds like your T is referring you to a really good therapist.

You don't have to do anything but be yourself, really and truly.

Moving is anxiety provoking. When I feel anxious, sometimes I find that I tend to pin all of my free-floating anxiety on one thing. I wonder if you are doing that with this new therapist? For me, it seems like it's "easier" to obsess about one concrete thing than the big swirly world that's all around me.

I like that your T has found such a good T for you. You deserve the very best

GUYS. Thank you so. much. You made me consider that other things might be playing into this anxiety. And I am feeling a little more calm about this, maybe.

But here is a thing -- I think a big part of this is that I am scared to leave the T I am seeing now because the things we are talking about are so. Vulnerability inducing. I have kept her at arm's length and now we are ENDING at the same time as we are getting like way closer to the core.

I wrote this, and I think I want to share it with her. But if I share this, then I set myself up for vulnerability and pain when it ends.