Please help me!

sunrise, I like your suggestion very much. I do feel close to my T when I share something difficult with her that makes me feel connected. You're right! I'm going to try and remember that when I'm in the session or when I start thinking about her too much. Thanks!

jazzy, you write so eloquently! I appreciate every word of your reply. I'm sorry you are going through the same thing but that's why your post touched me. When I talk in therapy about past experiences, the main feeling that comes up for is feeling helpless or powerless. I felt that way in the past and I feel it very often in RL too. I agree that I shouldn't give my T so much power over me. I've done that with 5 Ts in all. I've got to stop! My T wrote in my email for the week (even though I talked to her she agreed to still email me, for which I am very grateful )

" I care about you very much and want our work together to help you feel happier in your real life. We'll keep working on it".

ECHOES, are you afraid of fire now, like I am? I can't light small matches, only long ones. Thank you for your comments. Yes, it makes sense that I want my T to protect me and keep me safe when no one did it for me in the past.

Something else my T wrote in her email: "The parts of you that went through these experiences do need to be witnessed and validated by your "self" with me there helping and also witnessing." She makes me feel like I WANT to do this work with her because she will be there with me.

Yes, MUE! I want to get better and deal with those past issues but I don't want to lose the closeness with my T. That's exactly it! Sunrise said that doesn't have to happen, and I think she's right.

wheeler, that's a good question! I'm not sure. I feel close to her; I think that's it in a nutshell. I want to feel that close connection; it feels like fuel to me! My T says to accept all my parts and not to judge them. I had been doing that, but lately felt ashamed of the way I feel about my T. I'm starting to feel better again, though.

Sorry for writing so many individual posts, but I don't know how to read a post from one page and reply while it's open before me, if that makes sense. Can you do that? I mean when the thread has several pages.

Flash!! My T just sent me the link to the Linehan article!! I guess this is big news in the psych world!! She knows I haven't done DBT. Actually, I think she reads the New York Times where the article appears. She said she meant to attach the link to the email she sent, so it doesn't mean she's breaking her "rule". I don't know; I like it when she thinks of me like this! It truly shows I'm not "just her job"!

WePow, I wish I could do what you suggested, which is to do nothing, not think about T or my brother. I can do that when I am super busy, but before bed my mind goes there anyway. It is something to work on doing, a part of mindfulness, I think. Or compartmentalization, if that's the correct word. Men, I think are better at doing that.

geez, thank you for thinking of me and for posting.

dizgirl, I didn't mean to overlook your reply! When there are too many pages I don't know how to answer everyone. Sorry. I appreciate what you wrote. I have to think about whether I want to keep telling T my feelings for her so she'll love me. It makes sense because I wish she would feel the same way about me as I feel about her. But that won't happen, I know. Strange, but the reason I went to therapy is probably because I needed to find a safe person to care about me, so it's hard when the relationship IS the reason. Yet I have to get that in RL, not from my T.

When she lets me call her, like yesterday, and emails me with caring, and then sends me a link to something she thinks will be interesting for me to read, that's good enough for me. She's never sent me a link to an article before. It means a lot to me but I know it's part of her job and she's doing it for that reason, to try to help me. I'm trying to accept that there can be a middle ground with my relationship with T. It's caring and compassionate on both sides, but it's still about my paying her to help me with my issues.

This has been my experience in T. And I've realized that the parts that have had their experiences, feelings, needs, fears, thoughts, memories witnessed by T and by adult me are the parts that I am much more able to accept and to soothe and take care of on my own.

The parts that are still hiding their stories are the ones I don't know quite what to do with yet. Other than try to let them experience the same "witnessing and validating" by T and by me. Ack.

It's hard, hard work, but SO worth it, rainbow

I am really glad that you got to talk to T and that you are feeling better about things!