Text T how I feel...

I know I haven't been posting as much as I usually do. Sorry for that. On another note, I have been having Sui thoughts for over 3 weeks now and I am hearing the voices again.

I sent my Pdoc a text (or texts) last night. I don't usually tell her this stuff because I know she doesn't like talking about it and wants to focus on the positive stuff instead. This is what I sent:

Dr. _____ I know you don't like hearing this stuff but I've tried hard to ignore it and not talk about it. I feel bleh, empty and ...... I tried focusing on positive stuff and I tried eating healthy and exercising more but it hasn't helped. I feel worse than I have in a long time maybe ever. The voices make it worse. I feel completely drained and it's not about being strong or Borderline or whatever it just feels too much. I wish you would give me something to help and make the voices go away but you won't right? You will just say focus on your cats and play with your nephews and stop acting so borderline and that I'm exhausting to work with or something like that. Please don't be mad at me. This is how I feel and I'm having no success at trying to change it. I don't know what to do. I feel like I am falling apart and I don't like it. I really want to give up but part of me doesn't. I need the voices to go away and it would be much easier if you gave me something but you won't. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. Part of me wants to sleep forever and I just don't know what to do. I hate being me. Sorry but I kept all this in too long and now it's all coming out at once. Dr. _____ I'm scared. I don't know where all this is coming from. I really don't like feeling like this. What do I do??

She responded this morning, this is what she said. -remember she doesn't hold back!

Stop focusing on all that old sh--....you need to focus on how good of a person you are....that's why you need to get busy volunteering with others...stop focusing on all the bad....it's sickening to hear when you are a good soul and could help more people. Stop that f---ing victim sh--...it's so not true...and old part of you keeps making it a focus...focus on good things...go and join a meditation group...,I am sick of you listening to victim sh--....Go and do more good things for others.

I replied saying this:

This is why I don't tell you this stuff because you are sick of hearing it and apparently it is sickening. I don't choose to feel this way on purpose. If Icould I wouldn't. I don't think Oh I should play the victim sh-- card. The voices don't make it easy for me. It fu--ing sucks. But unless you have heard voices before I don't think you can really get how bad it is. It's frustrating when I do things that are supposed to help and they don't. I don't understand how feeling empty and hearing voices is victim sh-- but it probably doesn't matter anyway right? I guess there's just something I don't understand. You are able to prescribe me something to make the voices go away like you did before and it worked well but now you choose not to. I don't get it.

So far I haven't heard back from her yet...Anyways here's a for anyone that read this whole thing. Thanks for reading and listening to meif anyone wants to comment feel free as always.

Cats

Your T cusses at you? I'm so upset to hear that, that's awful! Has she always done that? I understand the tough love thought train, but if someone is feeling sui, that doesn't feel like a helpful approach...

Yes, she does. She has always been like that with me. I don't know why, I guess it is just part of who she is. I'm glad she didn't tell me to stop being so Borderline. That is her usual go to statement. Yea, you are right she is a huge fan of tough love...-sigh-

"Stop..."; "You need to..."; "I'm sick of..."; "Go do...";

Are you sure she's not the worst therapist ever???? As if it were so easy to change just by being commanded to change - geeez.

Oh my god!! I am sorry but WHAT!!! There is "not holding back" and there is plain rude, unprofessional, liable, abusive, neglectful, neglegent etc. Suicide is a serious issue and although I have to say there may have been a bit of unintentional guilt tripping or borderline behaviour in your text of "I want something but I you wont give it to me".....her response is so WRONG that I really would love to give her a piece of my own mind and "not hold back".

Wow I would be reporting a pdoc that spoke to a client like that. I am honestly appauled.

I would really see someone else hun. I know you have been with her for years but maybe its time for a change because she really needs to learn some manners and be a professional!

I agree with skysblue.
Tough love is one thing- but if someone tells me to 'stop' doing something like that... I'd probably be less likely to listen.

Hi Cats,
Is this your T or pdoc (or are they the same)? I can't imagine being willing to deal with a T or pdoc who would treat me like this. I understand that irreverent language is acceptable in DBT treatment (which is what I am assuming you are getting) but this seems over the top. I know if my T responded to me like that I would just spiral down even further. I think you are really strong to be able to deal with her behavior when you are reaching out for support. I hope that you stay safe and feel better soon.

cats:

Yes my Pdoc and my T are the same person.

No I don't think she is the worst therapist. Atleast she listens to me...

After 8yrs I don't think I can change now, We have been through too much and I think she has helped me with too many things to turn back now...I saw 3 terrible Pdocs before I found her.

wow that just didnt seem very helpfull at all,glad you texted bac what you did.PTSD please keep yourself safe i need you around here

I'm saying this sarcastically - "well, that's something to be grateful for." I think I'll go pay someone to hit me over the head and then I can say, "At least they're paying attention to me."

I don't mean to be insulting to you Cats, not at all, but, my goodness - this is unbelievable... We go to our T's to have them help us, not bludgeon us.

Cats, it sounds like she is not saying she is sick of hearing YOU say those things... But that she is sick of hearing you say THOSE things...

She knows you have great potential and are so much more than those things you are saying to hear.

I bet you would really get a response from her if you write another letter and say all the things you WANT to believe about yourself rather than what you feel like you are?

You know, I had a situation with a friend who did help me with many things and I was attached because of that. But there was emotional abuse directed my way also. My T has helped me extract myself from that "friend". My T told me that abusers blame the victim. Your T sounds similar to an abuser. As with my friend who had helped me in some situations, in the end, her verbal abuse was affecting my life negatively.

So, is the fear of the unknown worse than the suffering you now experience with your T? We can get attached to the familiar even when it's painful. My T has explained to me that if, in our early years, our caretakers caused us pain, it is still the known and we will continue to attach ourselves to that kind of 'known' even when painful - just because it's familiar.

So, I guess you're saying that the terrible way you're treated by your T is preferable to you than the challenge of looking for a more supportive therapist. Is that correct?

How does she sound similar to an abuser? That doesn't sound right to me at all...

Googley, I was wondering if you could please explain to me about what you sais with regards to irreverent. Thanks.

Thank you WePow. You always know just what to say.

Awe, thanks Granite.

She's cussing at you and telling you she is sick of listening to your "sh**". That is very aggressive and maybe you are so used to such harshness that it feels normal to you. Do you talk that way to people?

She didn't say that she is sick of listening to my sh**. She said she is sick of ME listening to the victim sh**.

O.k. - if you feel she's treating you fine, you're the only one who knows for sure. I hope I haven't offended you. I just get riled up anytime I think there's abuse happening. Obviously, it's my issue so I'm very sensitive to it. So, sorry for coming across so strong in my reaction

No worries, You didn't offend me and I genuinely appreciate your immediate concern. Thank you Skysblue.

Hi Cats,

Irreverent behavior in DBT is usually discussed in a way where Ts are very blatant in what they say. They don't sugar coat things. When a client says that their day sucked and list all of the things that went wrong, a T might respond with "Yeah, that day went to hell, but what can you do about it?" Ie. not wallowing with the client about what happened, but acknowledging that it sucked, and moving on with how to deal with the situation in the here and now. However, the response by your T seems to have taken this to another level.

Thanks Googley, Yes she has NEVER sugar coated anything with me. More of a "suck it up Buttercup" Is it the swearing that you see as it being taken to another level or something else??