[Asiablue]

How bad is my life when i have to pay someone to care and really listen to who i really am and accept it?

Anyone else feel like they are paying for an hours compassion? Not having a good day today.

[rainbow_rose]

I was just thinking about this earlier today. I feel that I am paying for my therapist's time, training & experience. I don't pay her to care. I believe the caring is a gift that she gives of her own accord and I accept it gratefully.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by rainbow_rose

I was just thinking about this earlier today. I feel that I am paying for my therapist's time, training & experience. I don't pay her to care. I believe the caring is a gift that she gives of her accord and I accept it gratefully.

I sometimes wonder how many of us would need that if the world was a more nurturing place tho?

[Wren_]

I know that yesterday I did just that, paid for someone to care

[delicatefade26]

I was once told this by a T that I talked to about her profession-that sometimes they can feel guilty about taking money for being there for people...but what she said is that she thought about how we don't think twice about paying a professional mechanic to fix our cars-because we understand that they are skilled and trained to work on the car and have it be in it's best condition-and in the field of psychotherapy-clients are paying for what they have learned from their training-their insight and professional (hopefully) skills to help us get our mental health in it's best condition...which is way more important than a car (this may seem jumbled-but I hope ya'll get the gist).

However-it does feel weird sometimes to pay someone to listen to us-I think part of it is this feeling inside of us that says "If you really cared about me, you wouldn't charge me for this compassion, time, and love that you are giving out-and the wish that we had someone like that in our life that didn't charge for 50 min of their time...but I still think the therapeutic relationship is set up this way with boundaries and terminations and professionalism for a reason...

[BonnieJean]

Wow. That's a great thought. Rainbow Rose. I've been struggling with this concept.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by delicatefade26

I was once told this by a T that I talked to about her profession-that sometimes they can feel guilty about taking money for being there for people...but what she said that she thought about how we don't think twice about paying a professional mechanic to fix our cars-because we understand that they are skilled and trained to work on the car and have it be in it's best condition-and in the field of psychotherapy-clients are paying for what they have learned from their training-their insight and professional (hopefully) skills to help us get our mental health in it's best condition...which is way more important than a car (this may seem jumbled-but I hope ya'll get the gist).

Yep, i understand what you mean. I don't grudge the money, i am paying for her expertise. But i know that for my part; i am going to therapy because i need help with things but also a large part is i just need someone to care and unfortunately i'm having to pay to get that need met.

[delicatefade26]

Originally Posted by Prettylittleblue

i just need someone to care and unfortunately i'm having to pay to get that need met.

I hope that care can find you outside of the T room in ways that you may not even realize yet-hang in there

[ECHOES]

It is part of the process of healing and growing.
I don't mind a bit. In fact I'm grateful such a thing as therapy exists

[rainbow8]

Thanks for this thread. I know my T isn't in it for the money but I still have that feeling because the caring is limited to the sessions and 1 email a week. It's not NORMAL, so we ARE paying our T to care. I feel like I've used my Ts to satisfy needs I should be able to get met elsewhere. I know intellectually that my T deserves to be paid, and that she cares for me anyway, but emotionally it just feels sort of shameful.

[skysblue]

Any kind of relationship involves give and take. One person cannot do all of the giving or all of the taking without the relationship collapsing. So, what can we give our T's in a relationship? All we can do is offer money and that is money well-spent. It is for their expertise and their training and their skills.

As said by Rainbow Rose, we are not paying for their caring. If they care, that is their gift to us and instead of begrudging it, we should be touched deeply that they do.

Yes, if the world were more nurturing, we probably wouldn't need as much help but even so, most people have some emotional wounds whether they were caused by people deliberately or just because other people just don't know how to nurture.

I am very grateful to Freud because he was the one who brought the whole concept of psychological help being a need in our world. Without him, who knows how long it would have been before psychotherapy was 'invented'. Think about all the people in the centuries before us. They really had to just 'buck up' or else.

[rainbow_rose]

Originally Posted by skysblue

Any kind of relationship involves give and take. One person cannot do all of the giving or all of the taking without the relationship collapsing. So, what can we give our T's in a relationship? All we can do is offer money and that is money well-spent. It is for their expertise and their training and their skills..

Just speaking from my experience so far, I think one of the gifts we give our therapists is ourselves. When we get to a place of trusting even a tiny little bit, that's an awesome gift. Yes, we give them money, but when we give of ourselves, it priceless - on both sides. jmho.

[unaluna]

Well, the insurance companies don't look at it as paying someone to "care", it is considered health care, because without it, we are not healthy. Infants don't thrive, they die if someone doesn't CARE for them, not just feed them. In my case, and there are statistics now that associate BPD with CSA, and who knows what else, so really, do you want just anyone mucking around with your head? Isn't that how we got into this fix to begin with?

T says he loves me, but heck, he doesn't take me home with him, so what does he really mean? What are those words worth? My theory du jour is, like when we go to see a play performed live on stage as in a theater, we suspend disbelief in order to enjoy end enter into the experience. So too with T, in order to have a corrective, healing, loving experience. To form new connections in our brain. To learn to love. Like taking golf lessons. Cuz I sure as heck lack both skills.

[kaliope]

i see a lot of emphasis in this forum on people needing that acknowledgment from their T that they love them. this has really baffled me and made me wonder if i am missing something in my relationship with my own T as i have never had that need for him to love me or as this thread is discussing to even know that he cares about me. i have imagined that he enjoys my company but my imagination has never gone futher than that. i dont see that its T's responsibility to love or care for me. it is his job to sort thru the mess of me and help me make sense of it, point out the errors in my thinking and the other wonderful things he is trained to do to assist me on the road to healthy human being.

[unaluna]

Well believe me it wasn't MY idea to have a "caring relationship" - it was his! (I can get you a copy of the magazine article about him!) I'm a thinker, not a feeler! But I wanted to try how the other half lives.

[Asiablue]

The emphasis of my post wasn't to bemoan the financial side of it, i've already stated that. Nor really is it about whether she really cares or not. I think what i'm trying to say is, that i feel sad that i have to obtain a service to feel listened to and safe to really be me.

I just wish i had a more nurturing environment naturally.

[crazycanbegood]

When I started therapy, I wanted a T who cared but I personally could have cared less if the T cared for me. Now that I have a T who genuinely loves me I couldn't imagine not having her love. I couldn't imagine therapy without love.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by Prettylittleblue

The emphasis of my post wasn't to bemoan the financial side of it, i've already stated that. Nor really is it about whether she really cares or not. I think what i'm trying to say is, that i feel sad that i have to obtain a service to feel listened to and safe to really be me.

I just wish i had a more nurturing environment naturally.

I hear you and that is something that takes a lot of courage to create in your own life.

But it is doable.

I think as you move closer to your authentic self in therapy, it becomes much easier to be your authentic self "free range" of out in the "real world".

Besides, it's so hard to keep all those defenses up. It's no wonder so many of us are depressed, we spend so much energy to keep those emotional defenses up.

[Flooded]

Originally Posted by Prettylittleblue

How bad is my life when i have to pay someone to care and really listen to who i really am and accept it?

Anyone else feel like they are paying for an hours compassion? Not having a good day today.

I don't pay mine to care and I don't expect her to care.

I pay her to listen and advise.

[skeksi]

Originally Posted by Prettylittleblue

i feel sad that i have to obtain a service to feel listened to and safe to really be me.

I just wish i had a more nurturing environment naturally.

I feel that sadness, too. I also feel really proud that I was brave enough, despite my background, to seek out someone who would give me what I needed. And because of it, I can actually enjoy my life.

It's a lot like if I had been suffering with a chronic illness, say, a vitamin deficiency, and then been given the right vitamin so I could function healthily again. T has been the medicine I needed, and eventually I will be able to produce it myself, and I won't need him anymore.

I'm glad you have a T who really listens to you and makes you feel safe. That's a gift that some people never have, from their parents or Ts or friends or anyone.

I brought that up to my T once.
She said I am only paying for her KNOWLEDGE--for her brain. Its impossible to pay for her to care about me. She said her heart is NOT for sale. When my T says she loves me, I know its because she means it-- not because I pay her to.
I have seen T's before who I paid well (lots more than this T) who definitely DIDNT care. So obviously the caring is not an automatic part of the payment process.
Its just the knowledge and experience you're paying for. Not their heart.

[Chloe2]

I think of it as someone who Im paying to help me sort out the dysfunctional things I have picked up along the way. I don't feel like my t cares personally about me, only in the outcome of my therapy.

[SoupDragon]

At the end of the session when I give the money over, I do sometmes cringe, likeI have just paid someone to allow me to be self indulgent.

A few months ago I went on a retreat and it cost me a couple of hundred pounds. But the people running the retreat highlighted that the payment was not for me as my place had already been paid for as a gift by the person who stayed there before me. Therefore my money was not for my stay, but it was a donation to allow the person after me to stay there.

So this is what I tell myself sometimes after T - that my payment is a donation to allow my T to continue their work with others and to allow my T to put food on their table, heat their house etc...

I've never felt like I pay my t to care. I pay him for his skills and expertise in therapy. The caring is just part of his personality -- a nice fringe benefit.

[RiverX]

This is a really good point. I have felt like thisk and it can be awful, and drive a soul nuts. Its a horrible connundrum. In the end the T should be there to help you do what it takes to grow so you get the caring from real friendships and relationships in your life.