Is there something you'd like to tell your therapist but you can't?

Dear T,

I haven't emailed you at all since my session last Tuesday. I think that's a record for me! I am really trying this week, but I miss you so much! Even though you don't answer my emails, I feel connected to you when I email. Writing here helps somewhat.

I did email you a birthday card to be sent on the correct day. Last year I made your collage and wrote you a poem. Maybe it's progress that I'm not doing that now.

I am looking forward to calling you, probably next week. I'm a little scared about the trip, just praying that we get there safely and come home safely.

I want to tell you what I thought about "your private life" and what I said about wanting to bang the door down, then holding your hand. Thank you for not just saying "the reality is that I have a private life" but instead wanting to know how I felt. I think I told you I didn't want you to have a private life, that I wanted to be in it. I want to be the baby and you the Mommy. I told you that too. But I didn't tell you that holding your hands feels so good, I think, because there is no door, no barrier! It's skin touching skin. I feel the truth in that, deep inside of me, even when you're not with me.

I wish I could tell you now but I can wait. I worry a little that if you die you won't know this, or if I die, you won't know either. I will try not to go there. Right now I feel good about our relationship. You give me something no other T has given me, just by being you.

Happy Birthday!

Love,
rainbow

Wow, Rainbow! That is huge for you. I know that took every ounce of strength you had not to email her. You are fabulous!

I, on the other hand, gave in and sent an apology email to my therapist. I felt terrible for the way I treated her at our last session. I tried not to give in and email her, but I did. I wish I had read this post before I did that. Maybe your courage would have rubbed off on me!

This is the actual email I sent her. I wish I could have waited until our session, but I didn't. Should I have waited? Did I mess up again? I know that more than likely she will send me a response. She always does. But what if she is really upset with me and needs some time to cool off? I don't blame her if she does. I was really ugly to her.

Dear T,

I want to apologize for my actions lately. I don't know what is going on, but you didn't deserve for me to take it out on you. I really am sorry that I am like this. I wish that I were the nice, sweet, respectful client that treats her therapist right.

I don't know how to do that when I am put on the hot seat or faced with things that I don't want to look at. I don't know how to look at those things and not react in some way. It is either shut down or get angry. I am trying not to shut down, but when I do, the anger comes up. The hateful Squiggle comes out. Sometimes I don't even recognize her!

To be honest, I don't remember much of anything I said after you got your calendar out and counted how many sessions I would have left if I can't continue after December. I was stunned that you did that. I know that your intentions were good and that you wanted me to focus on how to get the best out of the time we have left, but at the moment you did that, my reaction was far from seeing it that way.

All I heard was that a deadline was being set in stone. I felt at that moment that you could care less if I ever came back. That you had plenty of other clients lined up to take my place. Clients that would "act right". Clients that would work harder than I am and get 'better' faster than I have been able to do.

Yes, I do know that I was more than likely projecting my own insecurities onto you. I know that I was wrong. I can admit that. At this point, I can't look at a deadline. I cannot deal with that. I am nowhere near ready to stop therapy. Yes, I have come a very long way, but I have so much more to work through. Would you agree?

I spend all of my time being a 'caregiver' to so many people. When is it time to take care of Squiggle? Well, she gets 90 minutes once a week to focus on her. To take a good hard look at herself and try to make herself a better person. Someone who can be an overcomer, and not one to give up on herself.

Without therapy, I don't know where I will be. I don't know how long I will need to come. I just know that I need it right now. Do I like admitting that? No. Do I feel guilty that I am taking so long? Yes, I do. Am I putting forth my best effort? Yes, I believe that I am. I am doing all that I know to do. I may not always get it right, but I am in this to win.

How long does it take for someone to be a winner? As long as it takes. There is no certain amount of time. I cannot be put on a time limit. Insurance deductibles affect everyone. It is just the way it is. My husband saw how distraught I was when I came home Wednesday night, as well as how I have been the last few days. He keeps telling me to stop worrying about it. He keeps reassuring me that therapy is not going to end in December. That it will all work out. I hope he is right.

Anyway, thank you for not giving up on me and working with me like you do. I don't know what the answer is. I just hope that you don't write me off yet. If you were jumping for joy that your time with me was almost over, I am sorry to destroy that for you. If it is still true that I do have a sayso as to when therapy will end, I don't think it will be in 10 weeks. But if you are the one who has the final say, then that is up to you.

I know this could have waited until Wednesday, but my conscience was getting the best of me. Treating someone like I did you was not right. I had to come clean on that and ask that you accept my apology. Not just for this time, but for all of the other times I have done this as well.

In the future, I will try to control my anger and not let it get the best of me. The problem with that is that I will more than likely just shut down and not say anything at all.

Squiggle

Dear T

Why is it that it was. Couple wks ago i was questioning if ur for me now i cant wait untill our sessions. Wait, truthfully, i pretty much live for them. You gave me 2x wk cuz my crisis and i still want to go more.

I dont want to go on there ok so you cut it down to 1x week. This is getting outta hand. I think about you EVERY damn day!! I wonder what your doing on the weekend. You said you would have me help you with paperwork *if* i wasnt ur patienr. Cant u make an exception? That would be the motivation that i need! Perfect!

I like how you rold me hou suffered tbru a deep depression with ur divorce. So whos hour 2nd wife? Are you married? What happened with the 1st one?? I like how you warmed up my tea for me
& i like how u asked to see pictures of my kids now can i see some or urs?!

I really hope u have a plan for when my ins runs out. U know it will. I plan on staying a while. Im hoping u can give me really reallh cheap visits. You know i need it. I want you to give me ur email address too. Everyone else on here seems to have their T's. Why not me?? I wont ask tho. Too much at once.

1 day to go till i can see you!

You'll be away for the next 3 weeks, after this one is over. Don't even know how to get through this one. Don't know if I should let myself grow away from it all, even though it's all that has kept me going... Because I might not be able to afford it next year and lose what I have been gaining anyway, way before I'm ready.

See you in a month

Squiggle, last week I emailed my T an apology for the rude email I sent her before my session. Please don't be hard on yourself!! If your T thinks your emailing her is harmful, she will tell you. You don't have my issues and I don't want you to compare yourself to me and my emailing situation. It's not the same! It's not a test to see if you can hold out. For me, it is, but not for you. I hope you can understand that. It was important for you to email an apology; it's not wrong!

Dear T,
In 45 minutes it will be 24 hrs to appointment time, that's the deadline. I am giving you fair warning, this is yr last chance to cancel me for tomorrow.
Because I don't have the guts to do it myself.
SAWE

Deat T,
I'm sitting here deciding whether or not to skip our appointment...

(GASP!) You want Santa to come visit you, don't you???!!!

Hankster! You make me lol

Every day that you're gone for your family emergency (two months now ) it gets harder to trust you. i'm sorry...because i want to trust you so badly.
we are getting so desperate.
just come home. please.

This is my therapist's response to the apology email I sent to her. (Post #903 in this thread)

Squiggle,

Believe it or not, I did not take the anger personally. You are full of so much fear, anger, and hurt that you push down that I am thankful for any expression of feelings. You NEED to express your emotions!

You do have about 10 visits until January. After that you will need to decide with your husband what is doable for your family. We can continue once a week or we can adjust how often we meet depending on what you are comfortable with. We have time to figure things out. Nothing is set in stone. Things can be rearranged and redone to work WITH you.

I'm here to work with you so you can live your life in a healthy way. I'm not here to harm you. I really want you to breakdown your last email and focus on how your thoughts are harming you.

You have such a dislike of yourself that you assume everyone does and would be glad to be rid of you. That is one of the main reasons you have trouble letting go of past hurts. I want you to see yourself as someone who is deserving of love and kindness. Who can accept herself even if everyone else rejects her. She can do this because she is secure within herself.

Therapist

How does this make you feel?

Squiggle-i second skysblue - how are you with her response?

That's a good question. I feel so much better that she is not upset with me. I feel better that she is not going to cut me off at the end of December. It makes me feel better that she is willing to work with me on what I can do. Which, at this point, will still continue to be weekly. I hope that it will stay weekly for as long as I need it. Or at least until I feel that I am ready to just go twice a month.

Her statement: "I'm here to work with you so you can live your life in a healthy way. I'm not here to harm you." this was very touching to me. I didn't see myself as thinking she was there to harm me? Obviously, I have acted like I worry that she will. Not sure what I said or wrote that made her think I worry about that. I know I did in the beginning. I worried about that alot. I didn't realize that I still do it. I will have to ponder this one.

I am glad that she took the time to email me back so quickly. I didn't even ask for a response, but I think she could tell that I was feeling pretty bad about our last session.

What do you think? Is there something I am missing?

I will ask you the same question I asked skysblue. What do you think about her response?

Well Squiggle, I'm not exactly part of the conversation but I'll bite. (Well... not really)
I thought her response was warm and compassionate. I liked it.

I think it was a thoughtful reply and she was trying to show you she cares and wants to work with you.

Squiggle, I am so glad you wrote to her. See, Rainbow8 was right, you have a different issue from her. You have been working so hard on this all weekend, from the moment you left T's office! I think you do tell us more than you tell her, but now you went for it, and it payed off in a big way. Now you are truly working together.

I once had a dream that involved more events than this, but my T was in the dream and he had a second office. I spoke to him on the phone (in this dream) and I could see him on a split screen, like in the movies (I'm on one screen) and he's in his second office, wearing a suit and tie, and his office is lined with floor to ceiling windows, like in a skyscraper. Except you couldn't see anything out the windows except clouds and sky. I thought his office was in heaven, and that contrasted with his other office, with me, hell on earth.

I am saying that I know what it's like to think that not even your T wants to be with you in therapy. I really struggle to accept the good things that my T says to me, the "good job", like your T is offering you in that first paragraph.

If I had received this email, I am sure I would reject that she was really "willing" to work with me, that she cares about helping me, even though she very clearly states the opposite. I would have trouble hearing it because I feel I am programmed (by myself) to think that I am a terrible therapy client or I'm constantly being "bad" in therapy. It's not something I really thought to acknowledge out loud until I read this thread.

I have no idea if this helps you at all, I thought I would just share my thoughts.

Anne

Squiggle, I think Anne has a good point. The email from your T was very supportive and warm. But if you insist on believing something else, then you may see some lacks in her communication with you. Try to be kinder to yourself. You DO deserve it.

Squiggle, your therapist made me cry. I'm so jealous of anyone who has a loving relationship with anyone, including T, that I'm literally weeping over my keyboard. T will work with you to help you like you as much as we like you.

Squiggle, i think your therapist's response is amazing.

My husband thinks that all we do (my therapist and I), is to argue! I tell him that is not how it all works. Yes, I try to be very honest with her. Yes, I do 'buck up' at times because I don't like what she is saying (the truth), or I don't want to talk about something (an issue I want to deny I have), or when she wants me to do an assignment that I flat out tell her, "I am NOT doing that!" (because I don't want to dig that deep into myself).

We do have a great relationship. Almost too great. That may be why I am afraid that she is going to bail on me at any time. I did not want to get this close to her. I did not want to like her. I wanted it to stay very clinical. But, it hasn't worked out that way.

She is in her own private practice and works for my church. That makes a big difference in how our therapy works. She didn't have to give me 90 minute sessions for the same fee as a 60 minute, but she said I needed it and that is why she does it. She told me to accept that she wants to give me the time I need, that I deserve it, and I am worthy of her time.

I have a hard time accepting that anyone would really want to do something for me, or go out of their way to take care of my needs. She is trying her best to get me to believe in myself and to accept help from others and not think they are doing it because they 'have to'.