Is there something you'd like to tell your therapist but you can't?

Dear T,

In our last session I felt like we were disconnected. I felt that you didn't want me there. Like you were tired of me and my issues. I am worried that you want me to quit. Will you just come out and say it?

As for me, even though I said I really didn't want to be there, I came anyway. I came because I know that is best for me. I still come because I know that I need this. I don't want to need it, but I do.

I am sorry that I am not 'getting it' as fast as maybe some others do. I know that I have been with you for awhile now. But, it took me 9 months to get to the point that I could really talk about the hard stuff. It has now taken me another 9 months to tell you 'my story'.

Now we are really working on the emotional part. Do you think that is important? Or is my time up? I hate feeling like this. I know you have told me a number of times that you do not feel that I am through with therapy. You have indicated that I still have a lot to work on. Do you really mean that? Or are you saying that so that I won't feel stupid coming?

I am sinking fast........

Squiggle

Dear T,
I shouldn't have told you. Forget I said it, okay? I was probably wrong about it anyway.

It has taken a lot of courage for me to reach out twice in the past week, albeit in my own way. I wish you could read my mind and understand how overwhelmed I feel.

T, I feel rudderless

I haven't posted here in eons, but I do lurk to follow the list and all its wonderful members and their journeys.
MCL, your post here provoked me to come out of lurkdom to say, or rather quote, the following Buddhist proverb...
"When the student is ready, the master appears."

I experienced this with my current T and often think of that proverb when I reflect on our relationship. You sound open and ready to begin a new journey. I have a feeling you'll meet your phantom T soon.

Dear T,

I wish I did not need you, but I do.

Squiggle

Ooh, can I still this? It is perfect.

wish i could see you monday. thursday is so far away.

Why do I still want to make you understand? I have gotten rid of you.

Ack! "steal" not "still"

I live in dread of my T retiring. She has a nice house and a nice car, and I'm not entirely sure how old she is (I suspect she's one of those 'looks great for her age' types)... I just feel like one day she's gonna be like 'I don't need to do this anymore, I'm rich, I need more time for yoga. Buhbye.' I don't know if I'll ever want to stop going to T by choice, as I see this as a longterm thing, so I'm already panicking about ways it could end...

--------------------------------------------------

So, how many candles on your cake this year, T? I want to know just how old you are.
And if you've had botox.
(I suppose it would be rude to actually ask...)
(I'm only half kidding. I'm totally curious.)

Dear T,

I am in therapy to work. You know that. I have proved it over and over with the many assignments I have done. You know that I spend hours working on the assignments that you give me.

I may not always act right, and I may act like I don't want to be there, but you know that I NEED to be there, don't you? I want to learn to manage my stress and anxiety. I want to learn how to better prepare myself for upcoming changes that will affect my life greatly. I want to learn all that I can about me and how to make 'me' a better person. That is the bottom line truth. I am in therapy because I need to be there and I want to learn to become a better person. I wish I did not need therapy, but I do. Okay, I admitted it. I need to be in therapy! I can't do this by myself. I need someone to help me. Yes, I am asking for help.

Please don't abandon me now. I am not ready to leave the nest. Please reassure me that you won't do that. Will you tell me if you think I need to continue with therapy? Why do you make me answer that question? You always turn it around and say, "Do you think you need to be in therapy?"

Please, just this one time, will you say it? Tell me how YOU FEEL about what I should do. You are the professional. Give me your professional opinion. Please?

Squiggle

I do think that this is one thing t's should have more professional responsibility about this. My t has said I do not recommend you quitting. Or my pdoc may say it is totally against my recommendations for you to quit taking your antipsych meds. I also think on the other hand t's need to be more direct in helping a patient transition out of therapy care when it time to move on. Anything less than either or is clearly unproffesional in my book.

Dear T,
we're getting pretty desperate. things are getting really bad. we seriously, desperately need you to COME HOME. i know you have your family emergency to keep taking care of, but your clients need you TOO we're getting worse and worse off without you. having trouble holding on. if you keep staying out of the country much longer, we won't even be around by the time you come home

To my inpatient T

Dr S
I miss you more than you know
When you told me you were leaving I was shocked and didn't react
I hope you didn't think it was because I didn't care
At first you didn't know what to do with me
Then you didn't believe it could be true
Then, when you saw the truth with your two eyes. you were there for me 100%
you kept me alive when I shouldn't have been.
You got me the best medical attention anyone could have.
I can never thank you enough. I hope you know how grateful for you I am.

Dear Pdoc
I need to talk to you about this an i really hope you will listen. Your comment the other day when discussing only having prescribed me 5 klonopin about "making things hard for me" but cutting back my meds. well that really triggered me in a bad way. making things hard for me. what kind of goal is that? well let me brief you on my life. i started praying to god to let me die at age 6. at 16, the suicidal ideation, obsession more like it started. by 18 i started rapid cycling. in my 30's i devoted 7 years to spiritual training learning hands on healing, hypnosis, etc in an attempt to heal myself but only got crazier. finally in 2007, after my worst nightmare came true and i was hospitalized against my will, i finally accepted that i would have to take meds. i learned that i did not have to suffer anymore, that life did not have to be as hard as i was making it. I LIVED THROUGH HELL all my life and finally i have found some relief. i took myself off daily klonopin because i didnt want to get addicted. i took myself off buspar and wellbutrin because i felt i could handle those symptoms with the skills i learned in therapy. i stay on the few meds i do because they keep me from experiencing the hell i lived in. And now you want to strictly ration klonopin for me, so i dont use it willy-nilly. Make my life hard for me? whata part of me has given the impression that any part of my history has been easy? that popping a pill has made life yippy skippy? you are so far off base you make me sick.

I am afraid I am beginning to rely on you and our sessions too much. This week I am ready to start working on the big issue you think I am avoiding and I hope you are ready to carefully lead me through the landmines of my thoughts and emotions.

Dear T,

why do I feel so conflicted with you?

dear t,

Im afraid I have become too dependent on you, do you think so? You promised you wouldn't let that happen but you haven't said anything yet. Sometimes you even want me to come more often, is that a good thing? I have started to think about you a lot and how lucky your kids are to have such a great dad. I don't like these feelings, what have you done to me?

Chloe,
This may sound kind of odd, but that's actually a good turning point in therapy. It means you've really started to trust T at the gut level, and now his words of advice may truly start to make a difference. It's a hard book to find, but "In Session" does a great job of explaining how transference works, and that it doesn't always have to be sexual. Transference can also resemble a positive parent/child relationship.

Dear T,
How do I tell you?
You've been great so far, but sooner or later that's going to change.
So I don't want to tell you.
Except I know I need to.

Dear T,

You really hurt my feelings when you started to count down how many more sessions I have with you. You seemed so cold about it. I didn't feel any sympathy at all from you. I didn't feel any concern that maybe you were worried how I would do without coming to therapy. I wish that I did not need therapy. I don't want to come, but I need to. I have wasted years of my life running from this. I tried to be in control of everything.

Well, you know what? I can't do that anymore. Do you have any idea how hard that is for me to admit? Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to tell you that I need your help?

I haven't emailed you but once this week, just to recap our session on Wednesday. Not sure if you will see that as me being stubborn, or as me shutting down, or am I trying to work things out on my own? I can't answer that one because I don't know myself.

Squiggle

Dear T,
Last session we talked about "her" my 10
Year old self and how she views you...you
Wanted me to free associate about it but
I couldn't (or she really didn't want to-too scary)
But you said we need to figure out how
She sees you for something to happen-so I want to
Tell you soo bad tomorrow that she sees
You like a daddy...a strong, firm, safe daddy
That makes her giggle...if I tell you this I'm worried
What you will think...so I can't decide if I want to...it might
Be too soon to let something so vulnerable out
She loves you though...even though she is scared you will
Leave...please don't hurt her!! I can't wait to see you tomorrow!!

Dear T,

I really want to call you and ask you if things are okay between us. I know that I walked out and did not say good-bye at our last session. I am trying hard to resist that urge. I just want you to tell me that you are not mad at me or upset at my behavior.

May I call you? Will you just tell me that everything is okay and that we will continue to work together without looking at a deadline?

I feel so silly asking you this. Why am I obsessing over this? Why can't I just let it go?

Squiggle

T,

I should have said this last week but I felt like I was letting you down. Remember, in July when I told you that I had obsessive thoughts about death, dying, and the all dreaded suicide? Well they subsided to more manageable state after Pdoc switched me to Prozac and I was so grateful for that. However, they have started to intensify. There hasnt been much intensifying but I fear my usual pattern. This year that usual pattern has landed me in the hospital twice. PLEASE help me make it stop!!!! I NEED it to stop. I can't take this crazy brain anymore. Help!!!