Is there something you'd like to tell your therapist but you can't?

Dear T,

It's been 3 days and 7 hours since I saw you last. I'm feeling better today! Thursday and Friday were terrible, did you know that? I could barely get out of bed those two days. I could barely function and take care of my kids and be out in the world. That's how it always is the day or two after our sessions. I friggin' hate it. I hate that I feel so heavy after I leave, and knowing that I'm going to be carrying it around with me for the next two days and not being able to do anything to stop it is enough to bring me to my knees. Even my meds are hardly enough to sustain me during those times.

But today I feel.....normal again. The memory of Wednesdays session is slowly fading and being filed away with all of the other sessions we've had together. The ambiguity and apprehension that I feel when I'm there is now disappearing and being replaced with a small feeling of peace. I know I'm still hiding behind a wall, and my trust for you is not there 100% yet, but it's never far from my mind and I'm continually working on it, I promise. The thing that's freaking me out is that I'm now, as predicted, looking forward to my next session. Why am I like this? It drives me crazy! I'm like a moth to a flame the way I am. And I can't stop. I want to stop being this way. PLEASE, tell me how to not be this way anymore. I'm not in love with you, at least you I don't think I am. Or maybe I am but it's a healthy version of love that I've never had before? I don't know.....but I'm strangely drawn to you because you represent something to me. Stability? Safety?

What I really want, MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD is for you to hug me. To hold me. To show me you care. Why do I want this? Things are perfect just the way they are; I get the absolute best part of who you are one hour every week; and I know that if I get a hug from you, that I'm going to want more; so I know it's probably.......DEFINITELY......the best thing that we never even shake hands. It's like, I'm keenly aware that the one thing that I'm desperate for is the one thing that will ultimately devastate me because I know it will never, ever be enough.

Dear T,

I'm not okay right now. I'm trying to put a smile on my face, keep the plans I've made with friends, perform 100% at work, and do everything I need to do in order to get through life-- but I'm miserable. I feel like I'm falling apart inside. I feel like I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I haven't felt this way in a long time; since before I met you. I just want to hide under the covers, curled up in a little ball, and escape. I want company, but company who is there to listen to me, support me, help me; not the other way around. I don't have the luxury of breaking down, though-- of letting go-- of being out of control, even for a moment. I have too much to do. Too many responsibilities. Too many people to take care of.

What I need from you right now-- well, at our next appointment-- is for you to let me break down. I need to hold my knees in to my chest, turn myself into a little ball, sob--like ugly sob -- and get held and supported by you. I just can't talk anymore-- I've been talking all week. I'm sick of hearing myself repeat the same things. But what I haven't been able to do is cry. I don't know why; I just can't. I know I need to. I need your help. I need you to give me that safe space to cry; to be ugly; to let go; to break down. I need to know that's okay-- that I have a place where I can do that. That, for once in my life it's "okay" to cry in front of someone else-- and that, when I do cry, someone will take care of me. That they won't tell me to stop being a baby or buck up; that they will actually support me, nurture me, and make me feel better.

I'm afraid of disappointing you, though. I'm afraid of showing you that I'm not okay. I'm afraid of admitting that I struggle. That I'm depressed. That I'm unhappy. Just last month you were telling me how much progress I've made, how happy I seem and how nice it is to see me like that. A part of me doesn't want to admit I've sunk back-- I'm not happy and I'm not handling things well. I know I need to tell you the truth, that's what you're here for, but I'm still afraid of disappointing you.

Two more days. I just need to get through 2 more days. 2 more days until I see you.

Love,
ScorpioSis

Dear T, I refuse to confess that I'm scared. I don't see how it would help at all. And it certainly backfired the last time I told you. So I will be tough and strong and will not let on. I think that's the only way I can handle you being gone a month.

Dear T—

Here’s the thing…maybe it was an unfair test, but you nonetheless failed. I mean, don’t get me wrong…I’m really grateful to you for all you’ve done lately. I appreciate the extra sessions and your patience and kindness while I’ve exploded or, sometimes, imploded. And I’m not at all trying to say that the rest of what’s gone on hasn’t been 100% useful, because I know it has, even when I can’t see it. Heck, maybe even the failure has been uselful. Still…

You said that you think the whole hug, for me, is about trying to “fix” the past, as though hugging you would make the past 38 years and my mom’s neglect and abuse disappear. And I’ll grant you, there are plenty of times that that’s what that desire is about, even when I don’t know it. On some level, that’s probably the case at this moment also. But…

I think we both see that the past few weeks have been really good in the sense that I’m moving closer to being willing to talk about the things I’ve been avoiding for the last 2.5 years, namely all that mother stuff. Because of that, these last few weeks have also been especially difficulty. And what I really feel like I was looking for in that hug was reassurance that you were up to the challenge—that you’ll be able to stick by me and help me, even if I make mistakes (like the one I admitted to this week) or if I get really sad, or even if I cry in that deep, ugly way. I wanted to know that you won’t get mad or repulsed or anything else that’d make you leave in one way or another.

So when you gave me that non-hug hug, it felt like confirmation that you didn’t really want to hug me, that you do find me repulsive or, at the very least, not someone you can really connect with. I feel humiliated for asking, and evil for wanting you to do something you obviously didn’t want to do.

And I feel angry that you don’t seem to want to consider whether or not the hug did actually suck. You want to make it about my feelings about it not being the magic pill, and not at all about how you didn’t really hug so much. (It felt like what I imagine a homophobic guy would do if her were forced to hug a gay guy! I’ll bet you didn’t even notice that your ottoman was between the two of us when we “hugged.”)

I know things will get better, but right now I hate this.

--2or3

PS: So then when I had trouble talking at the beginning of my last session, you implied that I was acting like a surly teenager because I was withdrawn and giving 1-word answers. You missed the boat again, I think. Looking at my own behavior afterwards, I felt more like a scared 4 year old who couldn’t talk to you or look at you because I was afraid you’d hurt me. Can you maybe consider that reading instead?

Dear T -

I think I know why I feel so dependent on you now. I think you are trying to teach me to be my own advocate, but really, I feel like you stick up for me and no one has ever done that for me before.

I feel like if we walked over to the restaurant down the street, sat down, and someone made a mean comment to me that you would stand right up and confront that person. I've been so independent and self-reliant for my whole life, but a sad part of me is still looking for that knight-in-shining-armor type.

Maybe I will tell you that I see you this way, but I don't want the session to become extra awkward.

I'm so glad I have you as this part of my life, and I can't see myself ever wanting to give you up.

-winter

Dear T,
I miss you terribly...tomorrow is when I usually get to see you and I know I won't get to : ( I really hope you email me back soon-there is a small part of me that still worries you will come back and say that you can't do therapy with me anymore...esp since we don't have a session set up...I might email you during the week-I hope that doesn't annoy you-please don't leave me! *hugs*

Dear T,

I have barely thought about therapy, or my problems or about you today! Hardly at all! Yippee! The reason why is because I was at a gymnastics meet with my dd the entire day and I was focused on HER and not on myself. It was pure bliss, let me tell you, BLISS! Just plain awesome.

But now....now that I'm home, and it's getting dark and cold and quiet outside, my mind is starting to wander again. And I'm feeling kind of sad and regretful that I didn't "carry you with me" today. I want to believe that I'm sad and regretful because I'm making progress and am naturally separating from you and therapy, but I know that's not why. Way down deep inside, I know that it's because I was so involved in dd's meet and I know I'm using that as an excuse to avoid it all; and that makes me sad and disappointed.....in myself.

I've been doing a lot of deep thinking lately, and something dawned on me. It occurred to me that I don't trust you yet because you are the FIRST person in my life EVER where our relationship is based solely on trust and honesty and accountability from day one. Therapy is literally forcing me to do "life" the "real" way. The "normal" way. The way it's supposed to be and the way it was supposed to be all along. But for some wonky reason, my life fell into the lap of two irresponsible and emotionally empty adults who didn't teach me jack. It saddens me deeply that I'm an adult now and I'm just learning this. And knowing it in my head isn't even the hardest part. The hardest part is feeling what has been missing from my life this whole time physically, mostly through anxiety. I literally feel an ache in my gut; an honest to goodness physical reaction from realizing the loss. How long will this last? When will that awful ache go away? I think I'm finally realizing what it means to "process" the pain and hurt, and I don't like it.

I do plan on talking to you about this stuff in session this week, just so ya know. But I'm not sure what good it will do. I don't even know what the point is. Telling you while you look at me with your calming and accepting ways just highlights everything that's missing in my life; and that's part of what makes me feel worse.....knowing that I can't have more right now. Not in therapy from you, not anywhere from anyone. And then you know what? I'll be right back to square one with an order of hurt and a side order of sadness and depression.

When does this end?

Dear T,

Thank you for answering my last two emails in such a timely manner. That meant alot to me. It made me feel that you really are going to support me through this trip that I am taking for school business.

You know that this is HUGE for me. A step that I never thought I would ever see myself doing. I am doing this because I need to. I need to push myself to try new things. Maybe they are things I could do years ago, but somewhere along the way I lost my confidence. I allowed my anxiety to dictate everything I would and would not do.

I hope that you see this as progress and will be with me every day of this trip. You said that you would. You told me that I could call you if I need to. I want to believe you. I don't have any reason to doubt you. Please don't let me down. Okay?

Squiggle

Dear T

I know barely anything about you but I want to be with you all the time and receive your lovely maternal hugs. I look forward to our twice weekly sessions but when I'm with you I'm inarticulate and uncomfortable. Why can't I just talk like the capable adult I am IRL? It is all just so confusing and tiring. When I'm not with you I'm thinking about you and when I am with you it's hard, hard work. Sometimes I wish I'd never started this process and just taken my meds to put the veneer back over the rough bits. Hide it away until it all tumbles out again then take the meds again.

Nelliecat

Dear T,

I have so much to tell you. I never even told you about going to the beach 2 days in a row. Now it is way too cold for the beach so I'm glad I went when I could!

I'm in kind of a fog about you and therapy. I know you exist and I have to set up my next session, but I'm not doing it.

I just found out my friend, one that I told you about, passed away yesterday. We won't be able to go home for the funeral, and I feel bad about that. We weren't that close, but I've known her and her family since college, and I wish I could be there for them. I'm going to write something and email it to her husband. It's so sad!!! It made me not sleep and think about death. Two of my friends, my age, have died. I don't want to die!!!! I don't want to start losing my friends, many of whom are older than I am. There's no security in life! I know that. That's why you want me to be mindful and enjoy each day. I'm doing that here because I don't have my messy, cluttered house to deal with!

I want to tell you about a thread posted on my forum. What I told you I asked the dr. about. I can't believe I'm not the only one that happens to!!

I want to talk about whether or not you think my mother was "neglectful" when she didn't take me to the dr. when I hurt my finger. Was it up to her to make it safe for me to tell her when I was scared or afraid, or had questions? I should have told someone what happened when I was 6.

I want to talk about feeling that I have to tell you everything, and how good that feels, and how it makes up for not telling my mother anything. How I want that comfort from you. I know you know that already.

I want to tell you a lot more but I can't remember!

I want to talk about how it feels not to email you. It's like you already died and you aren't there. I had a dream about you. I want to tell you that too. I can feel your hand in mine and that's mine forever! I want you to be safe, though.

I have to contact you about my session but it depends now, on the arrangements for my friend's funeral. Maybe we'll come home earlier than expected. I don't know.

I miss you! I wasn't letting myself feel that but now I do. Life is short and you're important to me. I can let myself care about you and you can still be my T, not anything else to me. I've been avoiding thinking about you while I'm here, and that has good and bad aspects to it. The fact is that you mean a lot to me and there's no use denying that.

I feel close to you because your friend died too. I wish we didn't have that in common because you and she are so much younger than I am, but we do. I know you've grieved for your parents too, and that grief work is your specialty. We have to talk about why I never talked about my father in all this time since his death almost 2 years ago.

I wonder what you think about my not calling or emailing you yet.

Love,
rainbow

Since the Daily Roll Call was closed due to hitting 100 pages and over 1000 posts, I am going to go ahead and start a new thread about "Is there something you would like to tell your therapist, but you can't". It will be called, "Dear T, I need to tell you something, but I don't know how"

This thread is already at 96 pages and 960 replies. It will be closed soon, so I want to be pro-active. This thread MAKES MY DAY~I would go into withdrawals big time if I could not post my Dear T letters!

Dear T,

Have I ever told you what wonderful friends I have on the message board I go to? Have I ever shared just how much support they give to me? Well, let me tell you right now that I could not do therapy without them. I am so blessed to have them in my life right now.

Squiggle

Dear T,
I dont know what is going on but my imagination is running wild since you have not called. Are you punishing me? Did i hurt your ego that much choosing to get a little therapy from pdoc? What else can this be? I say i want to work on my anxiety with him and you end up saying that i dont need to see you then and now you arent returning my calls. i took it back. i said i didnt want to see him if it meant not seeing you. doesnt that account for anything? it was the very next day. i told you i made a bad decision, that it was based on you misinforming me. i made it clear that if it meant not seeing you, choosing between the two of you, i chose you. but you made it seem i could do both. andthen you yanked the rung out from under me when i made my choice. and now you are not calling me. and i am going crazy waiting for you to do so to let me know it is all alright and you arent holding my choice against me and you are not mad at me and you are still going to see me. why dont you call?

dear T,
I know you said you don't think a break is a great idea right now, but from this side it's starting to look pretty good.

If we break.... will you retire immediately and never be there for me again?
SAWE

Dear T,

You hurt me.

Dear T,

There are still some things I want to tell you, but words can't describe how I feel. I think sometimes you just have to read my body language. You can tell. You even told me one time that I didn't have to tell you all the details. You can see the pain.

I know that at some point you want me to be able to talk about some things, but for now, you can sit with me in the pain of it all. Maybe that is all I can handle at this point. Is that okay?

Squiggle

Dear T,
I really could have used a hug at the end of session yesterday. I've never asked for a hug from anyone. I know I told you that I dislike physical contact, but I need to modify that statement to "I dislike physical contact from people I don't trust." I trust you now. I wish I knew if you'd even give me a hug. I wish I knew how to ask for one. I wish you could read my mind and see that I needed physical contact, needed to know I wasn't a disgusting person, needed to know that you weren't offended simply by my presence. I don't even know how to tell you this.

You asked if I was ok, I said yeah... I lied
But, I'm glad you asked and I think you know I wasn't, I hope someone cancels.

You are everything that I could want in a person. You are intelligent, kind, compassionate, and incredibly charming. Your laughter fills me with happiness. When you say things like, "I thought of you this week," I feel myself melt. You once told me that you "felt protective" of me, and there weren't words to express how deeply I desired your concern. But I have come to understand that you only say these things because you question my safety. Would it be much to ask that you care for me, even when I am not at risk of dying? You demonstrate only the utmost professionalism in our interactions, which makes it harder for me to express what I believe to be "unrealistic" feelings with you now. How I wish you longed for me the same way I long for you. When we hug, it takes everything within me not to hold you closer and run my arms across your body. I only ever fantasize about you.

[QUOTE=scorpiosis37;1921506]Dear T,

[SIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]You tell me I am a healthy, independent, well-adjusted and high functioning grown-up. I think you are wrong.

Scorpiosis, I relate to you 100%. I've had it with my T saying I can be the good parent my inner kid never had!!! I have not gotten up the courage to tell T of my deep child transference yet, and probably never will because of advice like that. I agree that smashing inner kid hopes does not cure dependency needs.

I think you've outgrown high school pranks.

Forgiveness should have been sought well over a year ago. What have you been thinking all this time?? Does it give you pleasure to see me suffer?

Your little game may be over for you but it's not for me. The pain you've inflicted will remain with me forever. You never even apologized. You just threw me away as if your position entitles you to treat people like dirt. I can assure you that you will have to answer for your actions and I hope you'll be answering to me. That would be the best punishment really because I know you're afraid of me. Why else would you hide?

hi, this is an old thread that was bumped up again recently but meanwhile we have gone through a number of follow on threads --- you can find the latest one here


Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part X