Is there something you'd like to tell your therapist but you can't?

Dear T
Thanks for calling and checking in on me and giving me advice to get thru my perdicament. You dont normally do that. On first listen I thought I was being rejected but listening several more times I realized you were letting me know that maybe I wasnt in a perdicament after all. That maybe it was me blowing this all out of proportion because I wasnt taking the time to talk to you and clear things up, rather assuming things based on your words and actions. And of course, I assumed the worst. So tomorrow we will talk and hopefully I will be brave enough to be honest with you about what I want out of therapy. Its been two and a half years and we have never really talked about that. I have just trusted your judgement and gone with your lead and now this new approach has come in with pdoc and stirred things up and I want it too. It is not that I am dissastified with you, I just want more. I like how much he affirms me. I can measure what he is doing with me, I can see success. With you, I dont have a clue where I am at. How do I get this across without sounding dissastified?

Dear T,
If I told you, you'd think I'm horrible, so stop trying to ask.

Dear T,

I never want to see you again! Why do you keep on and on and on about things that I keep telling you, "I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT!". You kept on today and look where we ended up? I was ugly and left, that's where we ended.

How is that supposed to be good for me? I told you that I did not want to answer your questions. I told you that I wanted to talk about something else. Anything else! You kept on asking me why I was shutting down and what was I avoiding. I don't know. I just did not want to be mean and ugly. I knew it would get that way, and it did!

When I told you that I wanted to go ahead and end therapy now, since I knew that we had to end in December anyway, you got out your calendar to see how many more sessions we would have. You wanted me to focus on the time we have left, and not just quit and give up.

You know what? That hurt my feelings. A lot. At that moment I realized that I am just a number. Just another (paying) client. When I cannot pay anymore, or might need an adjustment in the fee, you didn't even bring that up as an option. Well, don't bother now! I don't want anything from you. You don't owe me any favors!

You also kept asking me what I wanted to do. Was I getting what I needed from therapy? Was it helping me? Did I want to continue?

I hated those questions, and think you knew it! That is the reason I smarted off and said, "I think you get off on knowing that someone needs you." Your comment was that you liked to be needed and you loved your job and wanted to help people. To that I replied, "Yeah right!".

I feel just terrible. I knew that I shouldn't have come today. This session was one of the worst we have ever had. Now I have to decide if I will be back next week. Do you even care? Sometimes I don't think you do.

I cried after our session. You hurt me really bad. The reason I want to end before I have to is because YOU are NOT going to be the one to discharge me. I will be the one to pull out before you have a chance to do that to me! NO ONE will EVER do that to me again!

I am NOT going to stop therapy because I cannot afford to pay, or I cannot meet my deductible again. That will NOT have a hold on me. NOTHING will get me. NOTHING! Do you hear me? I am NOT going to be the victim ever again!

Yes, I may sound ugly and disrespectful, but you just won't leave me alone when I tell you that I don't want to talk about something. Why? Is it because you think I have something that I need to get out? LaDuh! of course I do. But I don't want to be ugly or mean so I don't say it!

I wonder if I hurt your feelings today. Do you have any feelings? Sometimes I wonder.

Squiggle

Dear T,

I felt good after my session and haven't felt that urgency to email you. But I miss you already! I know you said I could call when I'm away and that email is still okay with you, but you won't answer. Last week I asked if you would answer just for the time I'm away, but I don't know what you said. I know it's better if you don't; I'll just miss you more!

The only thing I regret is that I wanted to tell you that I liked your outfit yesterday but I couldn't get the words out. I was afraid I'd trigger myself if I commented on how you looked again. Better not to go there. I'm okay with not having said it but I really did like it very much.

I like the way you let me talk about the here and now with you. When I said I'd obsess about your saying "in your private life" I think how my former T would probably have made me feel bad for dwelling on it. But you wanted to know how that made me feel. I'm glad I told you that I wanted to bang the door in, or whatever I said. I feel better when I tell you exactly what I feel.

I like that you "get it" about why holding your hand feels so good. It's such a relief to know that we agree about it, and that you undestand about preverbal feelings with no words.

I likes the new technique of patting my arms or shoulders. Now I'm not sure which it is but I don't think it matters. I liked when you included yourself in loving that child and that I commented on my saying that.

Thank you for accepting my apology about my sending you that email and for understanding my compulsion to find out more about you. I liked that you agreed it was about "baby wanting to be with Mommy".

I hope you read "In Session" but I know you don't have much time to read. I am going to email you to remind you to return it on time since there is no date due slip in the book. I didn't think of that when I gave it to you. I will also want to write you on your birthday but I did not make any collage or poem this year. Maybe that's healthier I didn't make a fuss but you never know what I may decide to do!

I am writing a lot because I'm not going to send it and have to get it out of my system.

I went to the beach yesterday and today, and went in the water today!! Maybe I feel so calm and love water so much because I didn't spend enough time in the womb. It was warm out and beautiful; soon the water will be frozen but I will go to be there anyway.

You're right that we do a lot of mindfulness and that's a big part of DBT. Maybe I can borrow that workbook or I can review some DBT skills sheets and we can talk about it. I am NOT going to switch Ts at this point but I will read the sheets. I know this is MY idea, not yours. I sort of wish you WERE a DBT T but I think IFS got me to places I've never been in therapy, and I'm grateful.

I love you.

Dear T, I feel so honored that you shared something of your personal life with me today. I never ask you questions because I don't want to bump into boundaries and that you voluntarily told me something personal means a LOT to me. Thank you.

Squiggle, you HAVE to quit therapy in December? I'm sorry your T hurt you and you cried.

Dear Therapist,
I really like you. I long to be in your company most of the time. You are so gentle, caring, funny, and sensitive. I wish we could have a personal relationship but you break my heart because you pay close attention to every therapy rule. Why can't you talk to me like a "normal person" instead of your "pscho-babble?"

Uneasy

quote=Squiggle328;1921422]Dear Therapist,

I want to confess to you that I have pics of you that I look at everyday. They are important to me.They make me feel safe and secure in our relationship. Please don't hate me or think I am weird or stalking you.

Help me understand why I do this. I do have sexual feelings that surface at times. I am so embarrassed to admit this to you. I am attracted you, but I don't want to be. I do not want to feel this way, but I do.

Please don't terminate me.

Squiggle[/quote]

The problem is that I will have to meet my deductible all over again. It is $1000. I know that my therapist does not charge as much as others, but paying $200 a month is just not something that I think I can afford.

She did say that maybe we could go to every other week, or once a month. For some reason that hurt my feelings. She told me once before that I should never not come to therapy because I could not afford it. She said that we would work something out.

Well, she did not mention that at all today, so I guess there is no sliding scale or working something out. After today, I don't think I could accept it even if she offered. I would feel like a loser!

The reality that I am just a paying client hit me hard today. She is the only therapist I see. I am but one client of MANY that she sees. Makes me think about the post that Kacey2 wrote (I think she is the one who wrote that we all have the same T).

I do not want to 'beg her' to keep me as a client. I feel that way now. I feel that I don't mean a damn thing to her!

(((((Squiggle)))))

I think we're feeling the same thing as Kacey. I feel it when my T talks about her "private" life which she is shutting me out of, by nature of the definition of the therapeutic relationship. I hate when she said "professional relationship" and "clients".

The fact that it involves money is hurtful. We wish our Ts would care about us without us having to pay. It's degrading in a way. But on the other hand, and you know there have been threads about it, our Ts really DO care and the money is there just like you get paid for being a teacher.

I think your T will mention working it out again. Maybe she assumes you KNOW that you won't have to quit?

Dear T,

Just when I think we've connected you let me down again. I felt so much better about you when you were so understanding on sat and told me to contact you for support if I needed it. Then, when I e-mail to tell you I'm struggling with my week and may have to cancel next appointment due to a clash, I get back "Ok, just let me know". Thanks for the support. Back to square one.

I went in yesterday feeling that I didn't have much to say. I kept talking about random stuff that did not amount to a hill of beans. I told her that I felt I was wasting her time. She just kept staring at me and saying that I wouldn't have come if I hadn't needed something. She kept saying that she was not bored or having any negative thoughts about anything I was saying. She was just trying to 'infer' what was really going on with me.

I don't know that I can answer what was going on. I don't like to ramble on about nothing and feel stupid! I really wanted to leave early, but I made myself stay. Well, I did leave 10 minutes early. I just got up and told her I was ready to leave. She got up and went to her desk. I just walked past her and out the door. She said "Bye", but I didn't say anything. I was mad at her.

I wish that I would never speak to her again. I wish that I could just cut ties with her. I want this to be over. Reality hit me today. I am just another client. I am replaceable. There will be others who come in and sit on my spot on that couch. She will talk to them just as she talks to me. She will forget me and never think twice about me again.

I did break down and sent her an email. I told her that no one and nothing was going to control whether I stayed or left therapy. Not her, not my family, not circumstances and not a financial issue. I will be in control of this. I will not allow anyone or anything to take me down.

I think that is why I just want to go ahead and quit now. I won't feel that my financial issues caused me to have to stop seeking therapy (help). I cannot even bear the thought of waiting until December. I have no idea what that last session would look like. I walk out and tell her I can't afford to come back? Can you imagine how painful that would be?

This is the actual email I sent to my therapist

Dear T,

Do you have any idea how bad I feel when I talk like that to you? When I say that I don't want to talk about something, there is a reason. I know that I may say something unkind, disrespectful, sarcastic, mean, or hateful. I don't want to do that!

Today was a total nightmare. I don't have any idea why this came up, but all the ( ) stuff came up when I left. Why? I don't' know. I thought I was over all of that. Evidently, I am not.

My thoughts were/are: "YOU are NOT going to get me, so you might as well back off! I will quit therapy before ANYONE or ANYTHING tells me that I have to or makes me feel that I am not good enough or worthy enough or have the finances to continue. I will be the one in control of that. I won't be put in a situation of feeling that I don't deserve it, or I am just a nobody who is easily replaced by just another client. I will NOT leave therapy with those thoughts in my mind. I will leave with the thoughts of being the CONQUEROR and ONE IN CONTROL."

You see what this brought up? Stuff that I do not want to keep dwelling on. Just when I think I am over something, this kind of stuff happens, and I am right back where I started from. This is why I AVOID questions you ask me. I KNOW that this will just make me upset and have feelings that I DO NOT want to keep having to go through.

I don't want to hurt your feelings or be ugly in therapy, but I can tell you one thing. If I am pushed and pushed and pushed, there will come a breaking point. That is when the disrespectful, sarcastic, ugly, mean Squiggle will surface. Do you think I talk to people like that? NO! I do not. Well, maybe to my husband from time to time. But, I do not EVER speak to people like I do to you. Why? because they don't push me to that breaking point. You do!

I feel terrible about today. How is pushing me to the point that you did today going to help me? How is making me look at 'the deadline' supposed to help me focus on getting better? It won't. It only makes me feel like I have to 'perform' or 'get my act together' for the next 10 sessions so that I can somehow be 'healed' and able to be emotionally stable. That is alot of pressure.

In case you haven't figured it out, I DO NOT want to NEED anyone. That means that I have to give up control to another person. That is NOT going to happen to me again. I am not going to be put in that kind of hurt again. Do I have my guard up? Yes, I do, and I have some huge Rottweilers (dogs) standing in front of me to attack anyone that tries to take me down.

Progress? Have I really made any? Yes, I think I have. BUT there is a part of me that is holding back on some things. Not really intentionally, but as a defense mechanism. A way of survival for me. I don't think I can take another hit.

You are a therapist to many. I am just one client in a pile of many that you see. You are the only therapist I see. So who really has the power here?

Squiggle

Dear T, you taught me a lot then you got sick and died, I wouldhave gladly taken your place- you helped so many - I am doing my best to try and get better - I dont want to let you down..

I've been falling down a lot lately, firguratively and really - stupid diabetis now - I kow you had that as well as cancer - i try and get up each time a little stronger but sometimes its so hard...

I hope I never make you ashamed of me - or waste the precious time yuo spent helping me

I miss your wise council and your evil sense of humour...

Dear T , I told you wou werent allowed to die ...but you did...

Dear T, well, I did it. I cancelled my appt. i am feeling like a number and that you don't care. when you told me "I often wondered why you kept coming back?"... that really threw me for a loop. Like all this time i wasn't supposed to be there.
i think i am doing this because i just cannot bear to be hurt by you again. it isn't right that you hold all the power. i thought i had some, but i was DEAD wrong....
i still don't understand why you scheduled me out soooo far! Over six weeks. WTF!!!

so for now, I am taking a therapy break! I need to find my sanity. I need to find some self worth and realize that i am not bad, you never once told me i wasn't....

Dear T - Would you just STOP being so adorable? A man your age shouldn't have such dimples when he smiles. The power in the "therapeutic relationship" is skewed enough as it is, so just knock it off.

I quit my job today, T. How proud of me are you now?

Next time I come to visit you, I plan to pick you up, toss you over my shoulder, and bring you back to live with me.

Dear T
you told me i didnt have to make a choice between the two of you. you said i could do what i wanted. so i said i wanted to work with both you and what pdoc wanted to do with me too. we discussed the boundaries involved in that and i was accepting of those. but then you basically withdrew your services from me by saying i did not need to see you as often if i was going to work with pdoc. i told you that if working with pdoc meant not seeing you i didnt want that so why did you let me make that decision if you were going to do what yu did after i made it. you made me feel safe to make that choice and we would continue on as normal. i want to call you so bad right now and be upset with you but i dont want to be blowing this out of proportion. i feel it can wait until i see you and it will naturally take care of itself. but pdoc wont be seeing me again for another six weeks. these appts are only a half hour and at least ten min of that is for meds so twenty min every six weeks is not enough time to interfere with our work together. i dont understand still what the big deal is, but i can see how initially there was issues but i dont forsee any further issues that would come up. its under control now. i really want to call you. i dont want this spoiling my vacation. but i guess if it continues to bother me i can call you antoher time. it is just fresh feelings of abandonment right now.

You're fantastic, really, but I don't know if you can help me. If anyone can.

I dreamt about you last night T, nothing bad but you said in the dream that you was retiring in december...but you cant be any older than 30 :S so i dont understand why i dreamt that...your not allowed to retire.

Dear T,

A long time ago you told me never to miss an appointment due to not having the money to pay. You told me that we would work something out. I have had MAJOR financial issues for the past year. Not one time have you offered a reduced rate. Not once have you even brought up 'helping' me, or making a suggestion about how I can continue therapy and not have to worry about the financial part of it.

I have continued to see you because my husband and I put that at the top of priorities as to where we spend our money. Even though I felt guilty about not paying other medical bills, I came to see you anyway.

Now that I have already given you a heads up that I may have to end therapy in December (due to financial issues), you didn't offer anything at all. Other than "Why don't we try to work really hard in the next 10 sessions."

Yes, you mentioned me coming twice monthly instead of weekly. Yes, you said for me to explore all of my options and not to just give up. Well, what happened to the "Don't miss an appointment because of a financial issue?" Did you forget about that? Do you remember saying that?

I remember clearly that you said that. I remember it because I was so overwhelmed that you would do that for me. We did not know each other that well at the time, so I didn't know what to think when you made that statement.

You know how hard it is for me to accept help from anyone. I am not sure that I could accept that from you (as far as a reduced rate). The point is that you offered that at one point, and yet now, you seem to act like that is not an option at all. That bothers me. Why? because we get the "I will help you" speech from people all the time. Yet, when it comes to us really needing help, 90% of those people are not to be found, or don't offer anything at all.

This is something you have worked with me in therapy for a while. Learning to accept (and ask for) help. Are you waiting for me to ask you for a reduced rate? Or are you trying to "Kick me out of the nest and make me learn to fly on my own?" Is it that you don't think I really need weekly visits? I have asked you over and over about how often you think I need to come. I have asked you many, many times if I am coming to therapy for the right reasons.

You always came back with, "Yes, you need to be here. Yes, I feel that weekly appointments are best for you at this time. Yes, you have valid reasons for being in therapy."

I wish that I could stop worrying about this (the end), but I can't. I cannot even think about 'working' the next couple of months because I feel that you don't really care if I come or not. I feel that I am just another client that came through your doors, you worked with me, and now my time is up. I don't know why that bothers me but it does.

I do understand that my thoughts are irrational. I do know that you have given me extra time at our sessions ( many times). I do know that you have work with me between sessions. I do know that you really have gone above and beyond to work with me. I should be more appreciative of what you have done. I am. You have worked very hard to accomodate me. I do see that.

I don't know why I am going through all these 'feelings' right now. The feelings of rejection, abandonment, betrayal, not being good enough, not worthy, etc.... The same feelings that we have worked on for a long time. Why can't I get over this piddly stuff? Why do these feelings take me down so fast?

This is why I just want to end before 'the end' really has to happen. I feel totally embarrassed to still be acting this way. I don't understand what is wrong with me. I really do need to continue with therapy. I feel that I need to continue with weekly appointments. My husband says that therapy is one of the last things we will cut out from what we can and cannot pay for.

I just don't want to be in therapy for the wrong reasons. Do I have valid reasons for continuing?

Squiggle

(((((((Squiggle)))))))

I'm sorry things are so hard financially right now, and that it's affecting your therapy. I SO get it.

I do think this is one of those times that you need to ask for what you need. I think that is one of those important skills that we learn in therapy, and that this is a time to practice that skill.

A few summers ago, T and I were going through some difficult stuff. It was rupture after rupture. He was on vacation more than he was in town. I wanted him to come sit with me on the couch more than ANYTHING. I knew he knew what I wanted. I hinted at it, I sat there and tried to send him messages with my mind, I did everything but just ASK. It was awful. We even talked about it (by talking around it). I would say "I know you know what I want, why won't you give it to me?". And he would say "I need you to ask for what you need". It was a total impasse. SO frustrating, and it went on for an entire summer.

Finally, I FORCED myself to ask for what I needed. And he smiled and came over and sat with me. It was that simple, but I just couldn't make myself do it. One sentence, and the problem was solved. I wanted him to anticipate my needs and meet them for me, and it always feels painful when that happens, because it's something I know I missed as a kid. But the thing is, I'm an adult now, and it's okay to have needs, but I am responsible for asking for help in meeting them if I need help.

I don't know if that's helpful at all, but where you are at right now reminds me of that experience. The only way to know if T can help you is to ask.

Hugs to you, squiggly

Dear T,

I don't want you to know how scared I am to come back.
SAWE (shopping for burqa)

Dear Prospective Good Enough T,

I hope you are out there. I hope that I can afford to do something with a therapeutic journey because I feel that I am on the threshold of some pretty major change.

I need someone who can be quietly empathetic and mostly give me a space in which to create. I think I have the building blocks needed to come into a new phase in my life, and I would like therapy to support a change in my connection with my biggest purpose. I would like therapy to help me commit to some pretty big changes in finances, which is why I think it's key that I don't pay too much...get into debt, and then use this as an excuse not to move on from a job that's really limiting me.

I need to go now, phantom T but I hope you understand that I am coming your way. I do need help, but I also know how to help myself. I think I'm hoping that you can help replace...to some extent....a missing part of me that I have had to sustain since the breakup of a long term relationship that happened a while ago. I have made strides since then, but still feel the absence in a pretty significant way.

I feel like I can sense games pretty easily. My last T had a lot of ways of testing me, and I felt exhausted by his scrutiny and negativity. I will not tolerate that any longer, especially not interested in paying for it. I don't have that kind of time or money. Just advance notice. I will raise questions if I think those issues are at the forefront, and promise that I will not make assumptions about this, nor will I linger way beyond the utility of therapy just because I'm uncomfortable with endings. That's been a patttern in the past. I've learned to let go when things aren't working any more...rather than watching and wondering.....That's enough for now. MCL

I can so relate Squiggle, I really hope you can both work this out and she will offer something best for both of you