Is there something you'd like to tell your therapist but you can't?

Dear T.,

I have so many people in my life who have let me down in the past. It really hurt to realize you are one of those people. I thought you would be different. I feel stupid for thinking I could rely on you.

dear t,

Daughter's T:

Are you dreading Friday? Well, you only see us once every 3-4 weeks so that should help.

I am terrified of you. Seriously. You scare me. I should be honest with you and tell you that I'm angry at you for what you did to dd and me. You know what...HOW DARE YOU knowingly have my ex ... the man I am afraid of... the man who beat my daughter...the man who abused me for 9 years ... HOW DARE YOU bring him into your office at dd's appointment.

What did you think would happen?

That I would be ok with it? That dd wouldn't be terrified?

I am tired...so tired...of people walking all over me.

But I know what will happen Friday. I'll walk in. Quiet. Don't want to step on any toes. You'll ask if anything in our situation has changed. I'll politely say 'no.'

You'll sit with me, maybe a few minutes, then dismiss me to talk with dd. And I'll ..sit.. with all of this yuck sitting inside.

I wish I had the guts to tell you how I really feel. I trusted you. I really did. I thought you understood. I let my guard down in front of you.

Stupid me.

dear pdoc
still thinking about you. i wrote a letter to you, thought i could drop it by the clinic. it requests that you call me but i dont know if this is appropriate. so i called T in the middle of the night and asked him to email you with my question about the anxiety monster named fred. i hope he did this and that you respond to him before my appt tomorrow and that you dont find me too needy or inappropriate for soliciting T's assistance. its just that i really need to know where i go beyond knowing that i have to feed the monster. i sure wish i knew if it was ok to call you or not. but i worry so much what you would think of me if i did call over something like this, for you to know how much i am obsessing. you have me so mixed up. wanting to help, but then wanting to take me off the med that works. what on earth possessed you to decide to do that?

(((((((((((((((((( four redheads ))))))))))))))))

I know I'm vering away from the intent of your question...but its where I'm at...I wish I had a great therapist that I COULD talk with. I have to go thru the county medical system and you can't get an appt in a timely manner (earliest appt could be months away...not on a weekly basis as you need it) Even though I've always believed in therapy and see its benefits, I have never really found one that I feel that great about. I have to feel its worth it. Oh, yeah...don't have the income for one, nor the freedom to leave my one woman office/business very often.
So, thank you PC folks! I'm sure I'm not the only one here that is in this boat.

PC friends. This is really ugly. You might not want to read it. I probably should have deleted this, but I am not. This is how I FEEL right now and I am going to say how I FEEL! Isn't therapy all about FEELINGS??

Dear T,

I know that I am taking my anger out on you. I do realize that you are not the problem. I don't really know who the problem is. But.....I am angry at you. I wish you could live my life for one week. Being a caregiver to someone. Bathing, dressing, lifting, transferring, and other personal care. I wonder just how well you would do?

Would you be able to be all chipper and nonemotional? Would you be able to keep yourself from going into a depression? Would you control your emotions? Would you deal with your feelings in a healthy way?

I doubt it. I doubt many people could do this without having meltdowns and breakdowns from time to time. If they could, well bravo to them! But I am not one of those kinds of people.

Why am I angry at you? Because I feel like you are trying to make me into something I can't be. You are trying to get me to be stable? To control my emotions? To deal with this in a healthy way?

Oh, whatever! That is how I feel about your little talks with me. Maybe that is why I shut down. I don't want to hear that anymore. What do I want to hear? Maybe something like "You are doing a great job managing your life at home and work." or "I admire your strength to be able to do what you do everyday."

You know what? Today was terrible!! This morning was a nightmare. I won't go into what all happened while I was trying to get him dressed and in his chair, but it was not a pretty sight at all. Who had to clean that up? Well, who do think did it? I did. I always do.

All the while I am stressing out about being late for work. Did I call in work and say I can't make it? No, I did not. I just did what I had to do at home and then I went to work. Yes, I was late, but I went to work and did my job! I did not take my homelife to work. Yes, I shut it out. Yes, I tried my best to shut off my FEELINGS and do what needed to be done.

That is a bunch of bologna to say that I need to FEEL everything. No I don't. I can't go around FEELING all the time. I have to face reality and live my life. I can't be sucked in to FEELINGS that cause me to lose it!!

Yes, I did have a meltdown in the bathroom at work. I gave myself 5 minutes to do that. Yes, I did that a couple of times. Did I want to go home? Of course I did. Well, not home, but somewhere away from everybody.

Am I angry. You bet I am. Who am I angry with? I don't really know. I know that it is not you. But I don't like you right now. I wish you had an extra chair in the new office that I could sit in sometimes. I would face the wall and not look at you!

Squiggle

I know this doesn't help much Squiggle, but

Dear T,

Thank you for the session this evening At some point I need to stop trying to test you and just believe you when you say that you are not leaving me and that you enjoy working with me...and that point is tonight...and now I'm ready to really let you in-so here it comes-all of me

amaj910,

I do realize that I am throwing a temper tantrum. Yes, I am acting very childish. But I don't care! I think I deserve to throw a tantrum every now and then.

Thanks for the hugs

Squiggle

Squiggle, I wish I could get across how much I admire you for the huge work you do all day every day. You ARE doing a great job.

T,

I feel so frustrated. This out of session contact is such a mixed blessing. When it's good, there's nothing in the world that can beat it. But when it's so inconsistent and all or nothing... I wonder whether it does more harm than good. Not because it hurts me. It does hurt me, but part of the work is learning to deal with the hurt. But because by the time the session day comes around again, we have invariably fallen out and have to spend the session putting it right. And what I just don't know is whether this is keeping us from the work, or whether this *is* the work, whether the Rift Repair Repeat dance is what will heal me.

I think I'm getting to the point where I feel that I want to have productive sessions which heal me, more than I want to be close to you every day. Unimaginable, a year ago, that I would throw away everything I've ever wanted (your love and attention) in order to take the hard, painful way. Or is me trying to put our relationship back into that steadfast one hour a week just me a different way of getting everything I've ever wanted (consistency) rather than learning to live with how it is?

We've been doing schema therapy for 9 months now, but are we even doing it? How can we take back the session time and use it in a planned way, regardless of what's happening between us? Is this even what we should be doing?

I just. don't. know. And I don't know whether you do either.

In frustration, but yours nonetheless...

Improving*

*As I wrote my 'name', I realised that a lot of answers lie here. Because however frustrated and confused I feel, I *am* improving. Whatever it is we're doing, it's working.

dear T
your attitude toward pdoc really disappointed me today. this us against them mentality sucks. who cares if pdocs are crossing boundaries and doing a little therapy with clients. why cant you work togehter for the good of your patients?? and interrupting me when i am talking about the anxiety created by doing the homework pdoc gave me and changing the topic??? what the hell was that about? so childish! i was appaulled by that stunt. i needed help dealing with that. we need to be on the same page here. pdoc is taking a more agressive approach in dealing with my anxiety. you have never taken this approach with me. we have spent two years pussyfooting around my anxiety. a different approach is what is needed. do you feel threatened by him? is that it? i dont get what the problem is here. if anything it gives us something more to work on in therapy. whatever it is, i hope you deal with it. get over it.

dear pdoc
i dropped off a letter for you today. i hope you get it. i made it as short as possible, asking you to call me. please call me, at a time that i am free to take your call. dont think i am too needy. i have never asked a pdoc to call me before. it took a lot of courage for me to write that note and drop it off. i hope you can recognize that.

I'm having a more difficult time with all this than you know, than I let on. I'm sorry I keep shutting down emotionally. I wish you could find the magic word that would help me let you in. Please don't give up on me.

Dear T,

This thread is dedicated to saying things you don't feel comfortable saying in session or directly to your T for that matter. I struggeld with having secrets that I couldn't tell you about even though I wanted to for years. My anxiety, depersonalization, dissociative parts, trauma history, etc. Now you already know all these things, and you didn't discharge me or even ridicule me. I want to tahnk you for this.

Occasionally, we have our disagreements. Last session, you talked again about me, being the host, having to take control of all my parts. This is not how psychotherapy for DID Phase I works. But generally, you do you best helping me with my DID, autism and trauma as well as you can. Please however help me get the help I need especially for my DID/trauma when I move to the workhome in November?

Thanks,
Astrid

I can't believe you, T. I just cannot believe you. Don't be so apt to diagnose....just. don't.

T - I am sick to my stomach right now about our appointment in 3 hours. I really feel like I could hurl. I haven't felt that way about seeing you in months. Too much right now. I am particularly nervous about the group I am starting tomorrow night.

O.M.F.G!
to you and your dd. What a completely unprofessional thing to do.

Dear Dr W - You don't have to worry about any transference crap going on, because I changed my mind. I have no feelings toward you whatsoever. I don't care if it's unconscious, it's MY unconscious and I say no way. Also, I don't need you, even though I said I did. I changed my mind. I'm glad you're here to help me, but I don't need you at all. You could leave at any time and it wouldn't bother me at all.
Sincerely,
Bunny

Dear Dr W -
I know I told you that I would bring in any dreams I could remember. However, no matter what the dream, they all seem to boil down to the same thing. I'm sick of hearing it. I get it. Therefore ... there will be no more dreams. And just so I won't be a liar, I'm just not going to dream any more. Period. End of discussion.
Sincerely,
Bunny

PS - You suck.

I don't want to see you tomorrow...or ever again, maybe. I realize, though, that this is exactly why I need to come in, because there's obviously something that needs to be talked about. I don't wanna. I wonder what you'd do if I showed up and just sat there in silence, arms crossed, pouting at you...which would be so out of character for me I can only imagine what my notes for the day would say Screwing with the therapist's mind probably is not conducive to a productive process, is it?

Feh. See you tomorrow, I guess.

I want you to tell me that it is no longer ok for me to work in such a stressful environment. I want you to list the reasons - I binge and purge, I cut, I drink, I rage, I work 16-20 hrs a day for days on end and still it's never good enough and I want you to make me believe that I am worth not this.

TheBunnyWithin,

I am glad that you posted several times today. Glad that I am not the only one that may need to do that sometimes!! That is what this thread is for. To "get it out".

IMO...It doesn't matter what it is. How trivial, ridiculous, silly, mean, ugly, childish, etc....We all need to "get it out" in one way or the other. I think I have been just about every one of the things I must mentioned. Lately, I would say I am being childish, mean, ugly, and ridiculous!! But like I said in my post.......I don't care!!

I hope that you keep posting here. It helps. At least it helps me. My sanity will return and I will get back to being a "nice" person who acts like she has some common sense and stability about her!!

Squiggle

I hate you for today even though I know you are helping me. I couldn't think straight in the session. It hurts very badly. I emailed you because you didn't take that away from me. I don't feel good at all.