Is there something you'd like to tell your therapist but you can't?

Dear T,
The more I think about the session, I'm starting to think the reason I'm so upset is because "she" didn't get what she wanted...she wanted to cry with you today, to sit next to her while you looked at her coloring...it just didn't work out that way and so I got frustrated at you and she shut down...I'm so upset I won't be seeing you for a few weeks...but angry that you didn't tell me until last night...I want so badly for you to check in with me while you are away but I know you won't unless I email you...but I'm
Not going to...I know I will only be disappointed...

Dear T,

I am working on the assignment you gave me. I was so mad at you for days that I didn't even start it. I almost tore it up! I wanted to set the blasted note on fire! Yes, I wanted to burn that crap up. I was determined that I was not going to answer those (stupid) questions. I felt that you were making fun of me. That you were judging me. That you were looking down on me. Like I was a nothing.

I have worked through some of that. I know it is not you, but projection that I am going through. I have a feeling that more and more 'projection' will be coming in the next few sessions. I don't like to be that way, but on the other hand, I cannot just sit there in silence and not say anything because I fear that I will say something ugly.

I might as well tell you right now that 'ugly' is wanting to talk. She wants to tell you some things that are not nice. She is mean and hateful. I try to make her shut up and stay in hiding, but she is fighting with me and I think she is winning. Can you take it? Can you stand to hear her ugly mouth spewing venemous words in your office?

I want you to bring an extra chair in your office for this session. I want to be able to get off the couch and go to that chair if I need to. I want to be able to turn that chair away from you when 'ugly' wants to talk. I don't like to look at you when she shows up. I can do much better when I don't see you looking at me. You won't look away, so I must be the one to turn away from you.

I am already worrying about missing our appointment next week. I know that I am the one who has to cancel. Will you think about letting me come a day early so that I won't feel so anxious about my trip out of town? You know that this is the first time in 10 years that I have left my husband's care to other people. That is hard for me to do. I know that this trip will be good for me, but I am worried that something may happen while I am gone. Then I would feel terribly selfish that I agreed to go on the trip.

I want you to reassure me that you are not going to abandon me. I want you to write me a note to tell me that I am okay and whatever else you can think of that might help me while I am away on the trip. Is that being overly dependent or attached? If it is, don't tell me. You can tell me when I get back.

Squiggle

Dear T,
You scared the heck out of me!

Dear T,

I know you said to contact when I needed support but if I do then I'll feel like I've failed. I don't know why it is that I feel so bad and guilty contacting you between sessions. But I will do my very best not to contact and disturb you

Dear t, but not really anymore.
part of me is feeling relief at the break
the other part of me knows i need therapy. maybe it is time to find someone else who i doesn't think hates me all the time

my youngest son is struggling.... too much and i really cannot do anything to help him. just be there. why is there never anyone irl for me anymore.

trigger





needing to si really bad... it has been sixteen days... trying to start again with no si'ing.... but i hate that it works! and that i'm so weak.

Dear T
I wish you would call me regarding the two messages I left you. I know you usually dont call me back unless I ask for a response but I did ask for a response in my second message. I see that the second call would be better asked of a pdoc but that has never stopped you before but with this new situation I can see you separating now. I feel abandoned and that is the issue of the first call and you not calling is only intensifying those feelings. I feel I have made you mad at me and I need you to call to make that all ok. I need to know it is all ok and waiting until November is going to be really hard. I have fallen to pieces here and I made that clear in the first phone call. Can you please call me and offer reassurance? Please T. I want it to go back to how it was. I need you now. How often have you heard me say that? Never. But I need you now, so please call.

Dear T,

Keep putting off talking about AVPD or a possible diagnosis, it's not immensely important but a good reassurance or if I am looking at it the wrong way and I actually have something else, would be good to know. Also keep meaning to talk about my derealization, though finally talked about lack of emotions accidentally.

Also not feeling better, a long process but I wish I would know what steps to take. If I need to see a psychiatrist in addition/instead of you or group therapy or just time.

Dear T,

Thank-you for being so open, gentle and easy to talk to during our session. It was difficult to bring up the topic of touch, and to talk about touch in our relationship. It's uncomfortable for me to admit that I want touch with you. Even though we hug, it's difficult for me to TALK about our hugs or the desire to sit next to you and be held for a moment. Even though the affection I have for you is sweet, maternal and platonic, I feel like it's not okay. I feel like I shouldn't want touch from you. I grew up in a family where affection wasn't okay, so the only place I got affection was in romantic relationships. I've been hard-wired to think that touch=romantic, so touch should be reserved for those kind of relationships. But that isn't enough for me. I want touch in my other relationships, too-- in my friendships and in my relationship with you. I want safe, supportive, nurturing touch. It was good to be able to tell you that, and for you to validate my desire. It was also good to learn that it's within your boundaries to comfort a client who is crying. You described a scenario where it would be appropriate to sit down next to a client and hold them for a minute, to help them calm down and assure them that everything would be okay. That's exactly what I want from you. The only problem is I don't think I'll ever cry in front of you, so I'll never be in the kind of 'crisis' that would cause you to come over and comfort me. Even when I want to cry, even when I can feel myself breaking down inside, I don't let my emotions show. I hold them in, act as though everything is fine, and then as soon as I get in my car, I let go and start crying. There's just something inside of me that stops me from doing that in front of people. Even my best friend of 10 years has never seen me cry. I feel like there's a lot more "there" that we need to talk about. We need to talk about why I can't let myself cry or be vulnerable in front of others, why I feel so much shame around wanting/asking for touch, why it's hard for me to acknowledge my needs or ask for things in general, why I feel the intense need to be held-- why a brief, end-of-session hug doesn't feel like "enough." When I hug someone, I feel like I'm worrying about how long it's supposed to last-- when am I supposed to let go-- so I never really relax, let my guard down, cuddle into the other person, feel the hug, and feel loved, comforted and taken care of. What I want is to sit next to someone and get held-- for maybe 30 seconds or a minute. Not long, but just long enough to feel like I can let my guard down and let myself be comforted and taken care of by someone else. I feel like I have to be "on" and in control all the time--I take care of other people, I make sure other people are okay, I push my needs aside. I never get the chance to indulge my needs and let someone else be in control-- to surrender and let someone else be there to watch out for me and protect me. That's what I want. And I want it from you because you're the person I trust to make sure I'm safe. I'm still afraid to ask for it, though. It doesn't feel like I deserve it or I should be allowed to have it. There's still a part of me that feels like I'm unworthy, unlovable, unhuggable. I want you to help me stop feeling this way.

Love,
ScorpioSis

dear ???? i recommended you to a friend, she needs help. please help her and please don't forget about me, but i think you already have...

i keep reminding myself that it was you that scheduled the appt over six weeks out and that you need the break. and you deserve it and i have no right to infringe upon you....you should be able to treat who you want, not every idiot that shows up in your office. i do realize that some of us (me) are too damaged to repair. you cannot take a rock and turn it into gold, not even you are that good

I'm doing the best I can, Dr. [X], really. I know you want me to be more candid and open and emotional, and I'm trying but it's very hard for me. I know you aren't getting impatient (and if you are, you're good at hiding it) but sometimes I feel like you are pushing me. And maybe that's what I need, maybe it'll move things along faster, but please just bear with me. I truly like you and I do trust you, we will progress as it's meant to.

P.S. I hope you feel better soon...you didn't say anything but it was pretty obvious you weren't feeling so well today.

Dear T,

Thank you for such a wonderful session today. I sure needed it!

Squiggle

I hope I have been explicit enough about what I need from you in tomorrow's session because if it is anything like the one earlier this week I don't know if I will want to come back.

Dear T,
I hope you have a good trip...but I'm going to miss you terribly next week...
She is upset you didn't tell her sooner...it hurt...but she still wants to see you so bad..show you the coloring and the letter...if you sit next to me I'll read it...*hug*

I don't want to do my homework - a positive and negative list about myself. I don't want these things on paper, it's too hard. And, last time we did something like this we used it for EFT. And I know you know I don't like EFT... I tried, really I did - I just don't think it works for me, and I don't like it coming up as it's our only sticking point. Can we just talk instead? Sorry I'm a bit of a cynic, it must be frustrating.

EFT - Electronic Funds Transfer? My checking acct number is...! I'm sure the negative is a very short list! But yeah, the hand cramps from the positives -

Yeah, LOL, sure! All the positives!

If I were writing about this in any other thread, I would have explained what I meant by EFT, but as this is meant to be an imaginary letter to my T, I know she knows I don't mean Electronic Funds Transfer! (I pay cash! :P) For those who want clarification, (hankster!) I meant 'Emotional Freedom Technique' (I'm not sure I want my emotions to be free, I want them in chains under lock and key where they belong!!)

Seriously, I didn't know, thanks! It woulda bugged me all day!

I need to add something today.

"Dear T.,

Why are you suddenly asking me to skip a session next week and why did you hurry so fast out of here, even though our session was over? I told you and the doctor already that I cna't work with someone who is too gd busy to deal with another client!"

I won't send this.

Just getting it out so I can deal with it later.

Billi

you told me my homework this week was to be kind too myself, how can I be kind too myself? isnt that what your here to help me with?? if i could just go off on my own and in a week learn it, then why am I seeing you!? ofcourse I SHOULD be kind too myself, but I WONT because I DONT DESERVE IT, tsk tsk, I thought you listened.

Dear T,
We have an appointment coming up in a few days; it's been 3 weeks since the last. I don't really feel like going. In fact, I don't really feel like doing much of anything. I am having a hard time getting going or getting anything done at all. I don't know what is wrong with me. I have become very lazy and have no energy for much of anything. It seems like too much effort to drive to your office for an appointment. What is the point? I mean, I know therapy is helpful, but it seems too much effort right now to drive there, walk up the steps to your office, sit on the couch, look at you, talk to you, etc. Way too much effort. I am not even going to the mailbox to get my mail or pick up my newspaper, how can I go to therapy? I know this isn't the typical sunrise you see, but this is how it is right now.
--sunrise

T - Today was really rough. I hated everything and I tried to do what you said, "Do something kind for yourself." So I go to my favorite spot and then there was that creep at the cafe being lewd I was so disgusted and afraid. What do you do when that happens? We don't teach girls how to handle these creepy situations. And the saddest part of all? The part that we really need to talk about? Well that's the fact that I sat there and thought about calling the police to file a report because that creep is probably doing it to other people, but I sat there with my self loathing and doubt and the voice in my head told me, "You are ugly. When he sees you on the phone he will leave. No one else has witnessed this so who will believe you? People will think you are crazy. Then if they find out you are seeing a therapist they will really think you are crazy and making it up for attention." So let's add that I hate myself for hating myself to the list of my problems.

Dear T,

I hope we are nearly through this rough patch.
And that we can look at it more and that I can learn from it.


ECHOES

Dear T - I know your not my mom, I just want to pretend for awhile. You said during our hiatus to "practice the things we've talked about with people who have real permanence and significance in your life." Permanenece and Significance, I can't get it out of my, Permanence and Significance and "Real"? I know our relationship isn't real nor permanent but to me it is significant. I needed to know if hugging was ever something we might do, not that I was trying to force you into committing to hugging me. Your response made me feel like and idiot for even asking. My real mom NEVER hugged me nor comforted me, I wasn't allowed to cry...so my asking was my way of knowing the boundary. I just wanted to prepare myself in case hugging will never be an option. I wont want to discuss this with you ever in person , I feel like I am doing things ALL WRONG in therapy and the hugging thing is a perfect example. I know your not my mom and this transference thing that we attempted to discuss was something I want to understand but you said something to the effect that most clients don't talk about it they just experience it. Another example of me doing something wrong. During your vacation I've had plenty of time to reflect and although I am looking forward to Monday, it's filled with Anxiety. So I'll probably self medicate before hand and give one hour of what I've been up to. I don't want you to get frustrated with me, as I think you do sometimes, so I won't bring up transference or the hugging thing or he mommy thing. I won't do it , even though I need to know more, because at the end of the day I can't lose you right now. The lack and subsequent need of "real permanent and significant" relationships in my life is currently being meet by YOU. I'm afraid that if I keep trying to understand the process in order to GET IT RIGHT that your frustration will lead to my termination. I'll do what I've always done and take what I can because something has always been better then nothing. I'll try harder not to frustrate you, I'll get it right if you give me some time and if I never get it right it wont be for my lack of trying. I hope you had a good break and things went smooth for you and I mean that truly. I know your not my mom but I wish you were. Maybe over time I won't wish that. Be gentle with me please - Lola

Dear T,

Thank you for your kindness, you're amazing and I don't deserve you. Hope you heal soon and take care of you

Dear T - I want to hug you so badly, I want to sit close to you and put my head on your arm and wrap my arms around you pretending you are my mum, just for a time. Just for a little while.

love Dreamy