Is there something you'd like to tell your therapist but you can't?

Dear tdoc

You are a brilliant, wise woman with insight into me that NO ONE has ever come close to reaching.

I will tell you this one day, but for now I'll leave you wondering....

F

ps, thanks for not admitting me yesterday

Dear T,

I didn't believe you when you told me today that you weren't trying to get rid of me.

Dear Dr W -
Sorry it took me so long to get it through my thick skull that therapy is an intellectual exercise. From now on I'll bring in a notebook so I can capture every pearl of wisdom that drops from your lips.

One more thing - I hate that you know exactly which buttons to push to get reactions from me, so just knock it off. God, you're a sneaky bastard!

Sincerely,
Bunny

I feel better because I went to yoga today.I know how much you think yoga will help me to find my Self. I almost cried when the instructor used some words you use.

I forgive you for being inconsistent and changing your mind about emails after you learned more about me. I'm glad you will still let me send them to you, though.

I want you to be my T and help me. I know the transference serves a purpose to see what my problem is. I wish you had the answers to why I reacted the way I did yesterday.

I wish I didn't have to wait until Tuesday to explore it some more.
I still think you're the best T I've ever had even though you're not perfect and even though you can't be my friend or my sister or my mother or my partner.

I still hate those words you used: professional, client, not friends. I want to tear them to pieces.

Dear t, i am still not going to therapy.

i just don't get what life lesson you are trying to teach me right now, rejection and abandonment,, get use to it????? and you say you aren't... i don't believe you

i believe you are tired of "seeing" me.
i also believe you are trying to upscale your practice and don't want any low lifes to be seen leaving your office. i will never sit on your couch again.
i just don't know why you scheduled my appt out soooo far unless you knew if you did that i would cancel it. well, happy for you. i am canceling it as soon as i get the stupid f'ing "courtesy call"... what a joke, i have never not shown up, never!
rejection sucks, too know that no matter how much i try, i still will never be good enough for you!
goes back to what cathy said, "he doesn't like you, he only like janie".... i will never forget, never. did you know i have a scar to remember that pain! yeah, i know you don't like to talk about si...
so that is why it works so well for me, i don't have to deal with it in session....
ps you are actually the only person i have seen turn green around the edges when it gets mentioned...

Dear T,
I do hope you get better soon.
I didn't tell you this. but could you tell? I am terrified at the thought of beginning again.
SAWE

Dear T,

Thank you for not making a big deal about the letters you read today. The ones that I had posted on my message board. My husband said they were 'harsh' and he couldn't believe that I would let you see them.

While you were reading them (out loud), I kept wondering when we would get to the 'harsh' part. I didn't see it at all, and apparantly you didn't either. I guess that's just how I talk in therapy, and its what you are used to with me. You even laughed when you read the part about me 'not liking you very much', 'I don't want to look at you!', 'I am mad at you', and all of the other sarcastic things I said.

I am glad that I can be that open with you in my therapy. If you didn't let me 'be me', what would be the point in coming? You know that I don't act like that out in the real world. I would never be that mean to anyone else but you. Does that make you feel special?

You said I was to be transparent. Well, it me a year to get there, but I think I have arrived! Are you happy? Can you take it?

Squiggle

That part hurts so badly! Her heart is in pieces and I don't know how to comfort her except we're crying together. I'm so pathetic!! Or that part is. She never learns and gets her heart broken over and over. Why? I hardly remember the last 2 sessions because they were mostly feelings and I'm not used to feeling in the session.

I want to email you again but I'm going to try very hard not to. I will breathe and say these feelings are progress. You already know them so telling you again isn't going to change anything. I want it to be Tuesday again so badly so we can work on this more.

I think my Self wants you to be my T. I know that's what I need. That part wants you in other ways, though. How do I comfort her myself so that it really helps? I accept her--well I don't if I call her pathetic. I want to get rid of her because she messes up my life and makes me want therapy forever. I want to know what she wants from me!! I do know she wants to be loved very, very much. Unconditionally and forever. How do I let go of wanting YOU to love her? You've said we can both visualize holding her, along with_____ (a close friend). It's hard!

I know you care about me and you've always wanted me to be happy in my RL and to find my Self. Yoga and meditation help a lot, but that part has been around for so many years. How do I make peace with her so she doesn't need to do what she does, anymore? You've got to help me accept that maybe I have to just live with her like my other Ts told me.

Is it still okay to love you? I'm sure you'll say yes to that. I'm trying to make it black and white but I know you aren't taking our relationship away; you're just putting into perspective. Reality hurts me. It always has. I'm sorry to still be at that stage when you're trying so hard to help me. You're still my favorite T but is that good? I hope so, or am I deceiving myself about that too? IFS and EMDR get at where I need to be.

Hi T,

Thank you. Geez, I was so scared today in your office. I don't know where this is going. I don't know where we will end up. But I'm glad that I have you beside me for the ride.

No, I can’t not tell her everything. I have told her every embarrassing thing about my life, also that she is the most beautiful woman in the world (several times). Also I told her that I’m a bit disturbed by the fact that I feel she is so beautiful but can’t come up with a sexual fantasy about her, whenever I fantasize about her (and I do it a lot) it always seems to be just variations on the same theme. Us just having a "normal" conversation, and me getting to know her as a person better.

Dear T,

I feel like my connection with you was burdened not only by my issues, but your own as well. I wish that I would have sensed the way we were connecting and that it was damaging to me much, much earlier and taken steps to flag what the problems were. I wish that I had the equanimity to withstand what I felt were your "TESTS" but I think the very fact that you conducted therapy in this way was hurtful to me. I felt violated by aspects of your care, and when I insisted that you work from a position of "first, do no harm," that was the beginning of the end of our work together. I wish that you had allowed me to slow our work together down. I wish I'd had the gumption to be able to more fully deal with the aspects of our work that seemed so volatile but I didn't feel calm or centered enough to do so, and your non verbal communication was so toxic that I never felt like I could go there. I'm sure that you found me exasperating and you allowed that to show. I feel so much shame and self loathing about this. Today, it's beginning to lift mainly through the help of this forum, but it's been hard. My friends have encouraged me, which is wonderful. I have support, but I wanted it in your office, and I felt very, very exposed, vulnerable and alone when in your presence. I feel you are probably doing this to others, and I've talked to some of your escapees...people I know who abandoned you. I wonder where they got the courage and good sense to see that in three sessions when I could not see it for nearly a year. I'm humbled that I have so much work to do. But you have cast a light on some dark places and for that, I suppose I am grateful, though in a lot of ways, I really really hate you. I need to forgive myself for hanging in there, and forgive you but right now, that seems a long ways away. MCL

I'd like to tell my therapist that I am misusing my prescribed medications as well as OTC medications.

Dear T,
I hope your week is going well. I miss you but am doing okay and I look forward to seeing you on Monday!

So far I haven't read a single thing that isn't worth discussing.

dear pdoc
you still havent called me. am i not worth your time? it took a lot for me to request a call. i am doing what you asked of me and it is taken a toll on me. i had my reoccuring nightmare of a tsunami coming to get me last night. no matter what i did to be proactive to get away from it, that wall of water was right there to get me. i only have this dream when i am not doing well. i havent had this dream for a long time. i meet you and do what you want to challenge my anxiety and now the dream is back. and you cant even call me. put me in distress and leave me hanging. what kind of trusting relationship is this here.

Dear T,
I am SO thankful to have you as my T...I know this is something very special that I need to feel blessed to have in my life-a safe sacred space filled with moments of healing, hurt, rupture & repair, laughter, intimacy and self-growth-I just feel excited that I can call you my T-and it's even better now that I truly believe that you like working with me, you won't leave me, and that I can never hug you too long-and that you accept me for who I am and where I am at...I'm ready to start more serious work now that I believe you (even the 10 year old little girl trusts you) sooo let's go! I'll see ya Monday! Also-I have read your email where you are excited for me about a big move in my life like 3 times..it makes me feel great : )

Dear T, i hate this part of therapy. i am sorry i am being so mean to you. you do not deserve it. i think you try very hard to help me and i about freak if i think you are kicking me out and that sometimes you just don't know what to tell me anymore. and then my life just gets more and more complicated. i think sometimes you just need a break from me and this is the only way you can get it. i understand and i am sorry. you worked for it, you earned it, you deserve it. i will go away. i am sorry. please forgive me.

Dear T,

Don't you ever get tired of sitting in that chair? For 90 minutes straight! At least that's how long my session is. You never get up. That chair cannot be that comfortable. It is okay if you want to join me on the couch sometyimes. I am okay with that. I have moved on from the anxiety of you getting too close to. I think you would see that as another huge step into progress?

I see it that way. I didn't think I would ever be okay with that. We still have not really pinpointed why I had such a fear of that. I would like to know, but I don't want to talk about that. I fear that it may trigger something that is uncomfortable for me. Don't have any idea what that could be.

Thinking back on what I just said, I don't think I would like to have to turn sideways to look at you. Not that I look at you that much, but having to turn toward you would make my positioning on the couch a little awkward. I still like you to sit across from me, but I was just thinking about how uncomfortable that must be for you.

Squiggle

Dear T,

I don't know how I could spend over a year in therapy wanting it to be about you and me. How could I do that to myself AGAIN? I told you at the first session that my goal was to stop wanting that pattern to continue. You always tried to get me to focus on RL and I kept fighting you. I don't know what is wrong with me.

You used to say that the young part or parts didn't get what they needed long ago. You said I could learn to give them what they need now. Almost every time you asked me what I could give that part, I said "I want you to give it to her." I really needed someone outside of me to make me feel safe and loved.

Sometimes now I can picture myself giving to the child part, or you and I holding her. You said you can be there too. You have never wavered from your goals for me even though I have made progress like a turtle. I don't want you to give up on me. Will you please help me cope with the reality of our relationship?

Dear T,
thank you for not judging me when i repeatedly come in and say i have si'd. Thank you for being willing to help me figure out the emotions behind the urges.
You are so important. I always worry about how you will respond, but you are always kind

Dear T,

Thanks for the apology about cancelling last week and for offering to see me twice a week. I think it would be good, but unsure about half sessions? It takes me over 30 mins to speak in a full session so what happen if it was cut to 25?! maybe you're just trying to save me money but an hours travel for 25 minutes? Not sure if it's worth it

Daughter's T:

We'll be there at 11. Are you ready?

I'm feeling brave today. I just might tell you how angry I am.

... but ... I won't.

Maybe one day.

Dear T,
I just want you to hug me. I won't ever ask for it, because I know you don't "do" hugs, but I want one so bad. I don't want just any hug though, I want to be held. I want to put my head on your chest and breathe in your cologne. I want you to sit by me, and just hold me while I look out the window of your office. I want to feel what it means to be held by a man without any indication of an ulterior motive. Part of the reason I want this from you specifically though, is because I have a feeling your gay. But I totally don't care, in fact, I prefer it because I know you're not ever going to "pull a fast one" on me and it makes me feel even safer to be with you.

Love, BM

Geez, processing these feelings is so hard.

Daughter's T,

You just don't get it, do you.

See you in 6 weeks.

dear pdoc
i didnt obsess about you today. anytime my phone buzzed i didnt think it was you, didnt hope it. i have pretty much given up on you calling me. will you even mention it when i see you next? now i only think of you when i am doing my homework. i think how i am doing what you asked of me, i am holding up my end of the bargain, but where do you give in this relationship? you make this big deal about building trusting relationship with pdocs and then you do nothing to carry out your end of the relationship. why should i put my trust in you? youre making this very confusing for me. why did you get involved in my life? why couldnt you just write a script and leave me be? you have so complicated matters for me. T is right. you have crossed boundaries by doing therapy with me. you have established a therapuetic relationship, opened those doors, but not carrying thru on your end of that. opened me up and leaving me raw and not dealing with the consequences of what happens to me as a result of that. tht is not fair to me. did you think this thru?bastard.