(((((((((((farmergirl)))))))))))
oh how i hate that big black hole!!!! hope this passes quickly for you with t's help

sending safe hugs

work @ 630am, good...
home now, bored and tired.... and hungry....
hate dieting, need to lose about ten more pounds, sux!!!!!

hot cocoa with mini marshmallows for dinner. love it!!!! especially when the marshmallow get all gooey!!!!!

missing my boys (ages 21 and 23) we're very close, but they are with their g-ma on vacation. Good for them and her!!!!

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by crazycanbegood

we are holding hands

Does that mean we'll sink faster?

[nicoleb2]

Feeling really bad today. I had been doing ok, but am hitting that spiral again. I SI'd last night because I couldn't take it anymore

[WePow]

UPDATE: Saw my T today. I made an effort to not let myself put up my guards.
I was early for session and sitting in the waiting room. He said hello then went into his other room and closed the door so he could have privacy to eat fast his lunch and make a phone call. I had went into session filled with desire to just BE with him, and then this was how it was to start?

I filled my pain rush into me. I wanted to run away and never return. But even more, I wanted to have what I came there to get. So I allowed those emotions to be what they were. And I decided to not "re act" on them. I decided to honor the emotions and then ACT by staying in place and grounding myself... by being my own T for a small bit while I waited on my T to be ready for me in his rightful time.

It paid off !!! I was able to go into session fully with an open heart.
I was able to enjoy totally the feeling of his presence with me for that hour.
I was able to share what I wanted to share and to hear from him what he wanted to gift to me back.

I have had many powerful sessions with my T, but I honestly can say this was the most wonderful of all.

Now to just work on applying that ability to be authentic and open to the world I live in that appears so much more dangerous than my safe T space :-)

[delicatefade26]

Originally Posted by WePow

I have had many powerful sessions with my T, but I honestly can say this was the most wonderful of all.

That's awesome-I'm glad it was so wonderful!!!

[crazycanbegood]

Originally Posted by skysblue

Does that mean we'll sink faster?

haha maybe so but at least our miseries have company.

Had my session today. It was nothing at all like I had planned. Too many things had come up throughout the day that were on my mind. We talked about chit-chat stuff. I kept telling her how dumb it was to talk about my financial situation and other petty things that were going on at school.

She said that actually this was very good. I was able to talk about my day to day things and we could work through them. She told me that this showed progress. We were beginning to move into a new phase. One that was not so much about my past, but about my present. She said that it was important to talk about my daily activities and stresses. She could help me work through them and learn better ways to manage my stress. It turned out to be a great session afterall!

I"m up at 4 in the morning. Awful, awful, awful night full of violent, disturbing dreams. That doesn't happen to me very often. It's just how keyed up and reactive my mind is right now. I just feel like it's all coming unglued for me. I'll see my t this morning again, and it's probably time to put in a call to my pdoc. See if we can stop this runaway train before it hits a wall.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

I"m up at 4 in the morning. Awful, awful, awful night full of violent, disturbing dreams. That doesn't happen to me very often. It's just how keyed up and reactive my mind is right now. I just feel like it's all coming unglued for me. I'll see my t this morning again, and it's probably time to put in a call to my pdoc. See if we can stop this runaway train before it hits a wall.

I'm sorry Farmergirl, do you have something like klonopin that can put the brakes on just for a little bit?

Allow you to get your footing?

No, no klonopin. Don't want any in my possession. This too shall pass.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

No, no klonopin. Don't want any in my possession. This too shall pass.

I understand completely and you are right, it will pass. I'm sorry you are so uncomfortable though.

Take good care.

I see T tomorrow after two weeks. And then again on Friday. Finally, he's back from vacation!

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by WePow

I have had many powerful sessions with my T, but I honestly can say this was the most wonderful of all.

Because of the work that you did ahead of time.

[Korin]

Just checking in.
I'm doing good.
Hope everyone has a good week.

[Rose76]

I got right up at 6a.m. and have been getting things done. This is a big improvement from how I was. Two months ago, I was in bed around the clock. Or flaked out on the couch.

[MASIMO]

Missing my T, on vacation. Looked up where he is in Oregon camping. Makes me feel more connected. One day at a time but 14 more to go. Today would have been our session Trying to stay busy.

[nicoleb2]

Tired, having a lot of suicide and SI urges. Frustrated because my therapy appointment got cancelled and I was going to actually admit to her that I cut on Sunday. Now I'm not sure if I will. I just want it all to go away

[delicatefade26]

My anxiety is getting worse about waiting to hear back from T about session this week-I just want to know-I hope he isn't annoyed about me changing my mind about wanting a session this week...I hope I can see him tomorrow soo bad!! I can't stand that he takes forever to get back on my emails : /

[SoupDragon]

Wish you could post swear words, because "Blasted" therapy doesn't quite convey it.

[kaliope]

Im doing well.
The thought of having an appt with a new pdoc is forever on my mind. Its getting closer, next monday, and the anxiety wont go away. I dont do good with drs. All i know is his name is nathaniel. and his last name starts with a c. hes an intern from the college. i hope he is nice. are the a**holes yet when they are still interns?

hope everybody is doing as well as they can be.

A better day. Which shows that I need to leave the house every day and go to a place where there are people. Being disciplined about this makes all the difference. Running out of time before T's holiday. And indeed before my 'holiday', which doesn't feel real yet. Have felt chronically stressed these last few weeks- can understand why moving house is up there in the top stressful life events. I moved just in time though- last night the rioters and looters trashed and burned the shopping centre I could see from my bedroom window, including the Starbucks where I used to study most days. A sad and frightening time in London right now

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by Improving

A better day. Which shows that I need to leave the house every day and go to a place where there are people. Being disciplined about this makes all the difference. Running out of time before T's holiday. And indeed before my 'holiday', which doesn't feel real yet. Have felt chronically stressed these last few weeks- can understand why moving house is up there in the top stressful life events. I moved just in time though- last night the rioters and looters trashed and burned the shopping centre I could see from my bedroom window, including the Starbucks where I used to study most days. A sad and frightening time in London right now

Oh yes, reading the news about it all is heart-rending. You know, with our cultural bias we 'expect' this to happen in other parts of the world but not in the 'civilized' places we call home. Hang in there and lock the doors.

I try not to watch the news most of the time. Not that ignorance is bliss; it just sends me over the top.
My T is still away and more health issues have crept up on me. Besides a pylonidal cyst, I found out I have a compression fracture of my lumbar spine. I am sick of being sick. I have no patience for it and tend to take it out on myself. The depression lurks so close right now....

I am so glad that I slept well last night. No sleep paralysis, insomnia, or strange dreams. Just peaceful sleep!